Darlean

Looks like there are a lot of us living with challenging people. My sweatheart is just that most of the time, but can really be a pain. I have no time to myself or privacy...even in the bath tub. He has to come in and talk to me there. We have absolutely no issues with trust, but he still has to sit next to me while I'm on the computer and look over my shoulder at everything I do. It drives me crazy! I work my posts here into his bathroom breaks. (hee hee) Diet and exercise are so tough as well. We have to buy and eat what "he" wants ("fresh fruits and vegetables are a waste of money") and unless I get up at 5 a.m. to exercise, it doesn't get done because I'm supposed to spend all my time right next to him...which is usually on the couch watching tv. He has taken up an hour long bike ride after work the last week, but the weather's starting to get bad and I see that ending very soon. I don't have a bike that can handle that, so we don't go together. I do my treadmill or weights while he's gone. We both leave for work at the same time and get home at the same time. My lunch breaks are only 30 minutes and I wear a uniform to work so there really isn't much time to change my clothes and get any amount of a workout there. I've tried running on my lunch break at work, and I can get one mile in with enough time to get cleaned up and back to work. I could be more consistant about that. I've tried telling him how discouraged I'm getting with my lack of fitness, but he promises to help and that's as far as it goes....just the promise. Then we're right back to the same old..same old..
Any suggestions?

GameGal

I think I would have to have a heart to heart with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that while you DO love him ( or whatever the actual feeling is), that there is such a thing as too much togetherness and not only do you feel smothered ( if indeed you do feel that way), but you have made some decisions about YOUR life * list them* ( get fitter, lose weight, eat healthier etc) and he can either join you in that venture, or he can sit back and watch while you do it, but that it WILL get done. I would let him also know that the way he is being non-suportive is driving a wedge there.

But my thinking goes beyond that. Why does he feel the need to control your every move and activity? (To me, that would be a danger sign.) When you have to "sneak" in exercise or posting on a forum, there is , to me, a real problem. It sounds not only like you are battling the food issues/weight issues, but also him and the non encouragement as well as trying to fight to get some time to post or exercise. What on earth does he find to 'talk' about 16 hours a day ( that you are not at work ) that you cant even take a bath alone? I dont want to overstep, but I really do think there is a problem there and one that could get worse in time if limits arent set now.

cjohnson728

I am hesitant to comment about any of the specifics because I don't know your family or your relationship, but I can say from years of experience conducting couple's therapy that a healthy relationship is like two overlapping hula hoops laying on the floor, with your shared stuff in the overlapped part and each of you having some free and clear area as well. There is a time and a place for togetherness, but if you don't each have the "independent, my own stuff" aspect, it can lead to problems. You do say you're frustrated and I would be, too, in your shoes, based on what you describe. It may be that you need to be really, really firm about setting limits and prepare yourself to deal with the fallout that happens (in that he probably won't like it), or it may be that you could consider doing a few couples sessions together; I think any therapist would be quick to point out that his behaviors don't seem healthy for you or for him. Sometimes having that come from a neutral party is easier for the other person to hear. Good luck

almeeker

Darlean, my DH and I met at work, and although technically we didn't "live" together, we lived together - if you know what I mean. We were literally in each others pockets 24/7/365, and my DH is a little like your sweety. We get along really well, but it was sort of weird not having any privacy, and I found myself doing everything his way, not so much because it was mandatory, probably more in order to keep everything running smoothly (because as women that's what we do, right?). As we got engaged our jobs changed and we no longer worked in the same cubicle, but outside of work we were always together. Over the years I've learned that when I need something to change for me or "us", I can change it and he goes along with that readily enough, although there is sometimes a grumble or two. For example, I used to be embarrassed to workout around him, but I'm over that. Now we work out together in the mornings, he does yoga in the living room, I do cardio in the dining room or intervals in the den. I plant a garden and he eats fresh veggies because they fit in our budget, he hates squash but he eats it anyway, because I cooked it and set it in front of him. He eats fruit because I buy it and put it in a big bowl in the middle of the kitchen, and there are no junky snacks in the house. It takes a while to work your man into some healthy habits, but it's very possible. And while it might be that he is controlling and you need to consider that for the long term, it might just be that your relationship is still in the "honeymoon" stage for him, or that he's someone that either needs or expects to be right by your side and flat out doesn't need the same degree of privacy that you do. My DH never spent a lot of time alone, so he doesn't need it like I sometimes do.

blackrhino2

I came home Monday night to a really nasty, horrible note written to me from Annie, my former roommate. Also, over the weekend she took a dustpan of dirt from the floor and dumped it on the table where my placemat is. Wow. She has way more issues than I knew about. I never confronted her about this. I walked outside, called the landlord and got the OK to move. I came back inside to her yelling at me more. It was a bad night, but I never raised my voice or anything. I stayed calm infront of her even though I felt like I was having a heart attack. I left as soon as I could and hung out at the grocery store until I knew she was asleep. The next morning I moved out after she left for school (I didn't want her to know I was moving and come home to scream at me). I emailed her at 2pm to let her know I was moving out. So, I'd like to think its all over! Of course, I moved upstairs and so she is still someone I will see semi-frequently. Yesterday, she left a nasty note on my car accusing me of stealing her dishes before she realized she had put them in the dishwasher. She's really great at accusing me of things! She also came up and pounded on my apt door when my new roommate wasn't there. I jsut froze in the kitchen and didn't move. There is no way I'm talking to her with out a 3rd person around! Also, in the email I wrote to her I asked that all future correspondence be through email. She never wrote back.

So I am out!! I have a new roommate that I am getting used to---and I think she is very nice. I still feel somewhat screwed over and angry but I keep trying to just be happy I moved out.

All of this stress had made me not want to eat. I haven't been hungry since Monday morning, but I am making sure to stay healthy and eat well. It's been nice to not have to worry about bingeing but it's been pretty hard in other ways these past few days, as you can imagine.

Thank you ALL for commenting and leaving your advice and support. It makes me feel better when I read it..and then re-read it

GameGal

I am Soooo happy you moved out! I hope that your new roommate will also be helpful in helping you achieve your goal.

One other thing, I wouldnt hesitate to either tell the landlord you have concerns about this woman and her unstable-ness and call 911 if she continues to harrass you or come to your door.

Wylie7

Congrats on moving out! It sounds like you did the right thing since she's taken it to a new level - and I agree with Pam, make sure the landlord knows your concerns.

I really hope it works out for you with the new roommate!

cjohnson728

Happy for you, Julia...sometimes the only way to deal with toxic people is to avoid them altogether Take a deep breath and congratulate yourself on making the best decision for you and for handling like a mature adult .

farahb7

congratulations Julia!!!!! i am soo happy for you!! you made a very good decision by moving out and i hope your new room mate is as good and better than you expected!
ok, back to my issue, Almeeker, my hubby is a bit overweight and like Darlean's partner, his favourite pass time is watching tv. i have tried encouraging him to work out, with no effect, so it might be that he wants me to be overweight with him.
and Cassie, i do love my new body so much i won't put an extra ounce of fat on it for anybody! i worked hard to get where i am(with supports from all of you) i won't change it for anyone's sake! so, he better get used to it.
and Darlean, my hubby, just like yours wants me to spend every minute of every hour home, sitting next to him, on the couch, watching tv. that's what i used to do, but now, i either get online to do my food entries or post or whatever, or exercise. i know to him, this is all a waste of time, since it keeps me away from him, but i need my time and privacy too.

brandismom1990

Darlean --

One of the reasons I started this thread was because my husband and I are going through counseling and sometimes I need to "vent" about an issue that doesn't need to go in front of the therapist, but needs "exhaling".

I am concerned by how much your husband seems to want to control how things work in your house and that you allow him to do that -- especially in ways that can damage your health -- fresh veggies a waste of money??? I say this from a place of love -- not judgment -- because I DID WHAT YOU ARE DOING in a manner of degrees for years and have ended up in therapy and counseling. I was more like ALMEEKER who said "I found myself doing everything his way, not so much because it was mandatory, probably more in order to keep everything running smoothly (because as women that's what we do, right?). " But it is all a matter of degrees and I think you have to stand up for your own space and time early on, or you will never get it.

In fact, that's why I came to vent today. After my helping my husband entertain a business partner and client, he didn't even consider my schedule this weekend and made plans with friend who is coming to town. (Doesn't help that I ABSOLUTELY HATTTTEEEEEEE this "friend" and think he is scum and that whenever he's with my husband, DH ends up acting like an idiot, but that's another issue). And I am Pi&&ed because he should consider me and my schedule before making plans with others. Not that I would say "no you can't go out, you have to be with me" but rather than TELLING me "I made plans and I didn't know your schedule, so I'm not at fault." Why couldn't he say "Hey, friend is coming to town on Saturday. Is that your day off? It is? Would you mind very much if I went out with him anyway and I'll make it up to you next week?" But that is not how it is EVER presented because my husband doesn't want to be accountable to ANYONE.

He has real issues with authority of any kind, so it's not just me, but it is infuriating HOW he handles it.

He simply doesn't understand that courtesy and accountability to a partner is not "being controlled". It's respectful behavior and anything less is disrespectful.

I'm really getting to the point where I am "OVER IT" too.

Just venting on my end. Darlean -- make time for you now, take a stand, don't end up where I am having to "re-learn" how to have equity in a marriage and make it work.

Ang