What my husband did . . .

Old 10-06-2010, 05:08 AM
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Default What my husband did . . .

Okay -- since this is a thread for ladies only, I want to start a place where we can simply VENT about our husbands/boyfriends/significant others/partners, etc.

I figure this is a safe forum.

  • You can vent all you want.
  • If you don't want a "supportive/advice-type" reply -- say -- "Just venting" at the end.
  • If you want support/replies, ask for it.
  • Don't offer replies to those who say "just venting" -- we may just need to b&tch and be heard so we can move on -- even if we are being unreasonable
  • If someone is talking about real abuse -- all rules do not reply -- we will support each other by saying "get help, now!!!"


And I'll start it off -- my husband often accuses me of "shouting" at him when I do not raise my voice to him. His definition of "shouting" means "asking him to be accountable for anything he doesn't want to have to be accountable for." It enrages me because I am not a "shouter", I am not a person who leans towards "violence" or any kind of behavior that is anything but ladylike -- I am a southern woman. But he was raised in that environment and so he puts those feelings on me --he "hears" me shouting when I am not doing anything of the sort. And it make me so angry . . . I WANT TO SHOUT AT HIM!!!!! Which is, of course, the irony.

Just venting.


Last edited by brandismom1990; 10-06-2010 at 06:04 AM.
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Old 10-06-2010, 05:27 AM
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LOL, you have to chuckle at the irony there. I also am not a shouter, well I wasn't a shouter until we had children, yet I never take that tone with my DH as it would gain me nothing. Yet he frequently plays the whole "I'm henpecked to death" card. Now my mother is like an Olympic Gold Medalist in the sport of nagging, so I know a thing or two about how to henpeck a man. And although I love that woman to pieces, there are times when I pretend I'm not turning into her. I always manage to take a deep calming breath before I begin on any "touchy" subject, and work very hard to maintain a facade of civility. And still he goes in to "henpecked to death" mode. Sort of makes you wonder what would happen if he really got blasted with the nag pistols his little wifey is hiding under her bonnet.

Great idea for a thread BTW.
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Old 10-06-2010, 06:06 AM
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That's what is SOOO frustrating. I am putting into practice things my counselor is teaching us like 'okay, take a deep breath before you say this and make sure the response is measured' and he STILL plays the "henpecked to death (love that expression)" card. SIGH, SIGH, SIGHHHHHHHHHH. And when I tried to discuss yesterday's incident with him today and explain why him accusing me of "shouting" when I'm not bothers me, he still insisted I was "shouting" or "taking a tone of you've been a naughty boy" when I was not, I SWEAR!!"

Thanks -- and one reason I want to start this is so we can EXPRESS, rather than EAT through our feelings.

Take care,
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Old 10-06-2010, 06:21 AM
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Halleuia what a great post - I thought I was married to the only one of these!! We are fighting now over CVS screwing up Rx's last night as they do every month. Hate the damn place. He thinks I should let it go. And our divorced 49 year old daughter is driving me nuts. She lives alone but likes to play the poor me card. Oh happy day - Not.
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Old 10-07-2010, 01:20 AM
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ok, i totally need to vent--but please offer advice too. last night my roommate went on a rampage about how i stole her coconut oil. she was screaming at me, my heart was racing but I kept calm and kept explaining that I didn't steal her coconut oil, just like I did last week when she brought up the same issue. she is so scary! i don't want to see her...and yet I have to.

i don't know if any of you are readers of the 5-15 pound club but I wrote about it there last week and I thought it was over, but it's not! i am now back to thinking I should buy her a bottle of coconut oil bc I don't know what else to do--altho I'm pretty sure living with her will be miserable no matter what. She called me some really nasty names last night: like screaming that I was a liar numerous times!

I am shocked about this whole fiasco bc I feel like I have gone out of my way to be a considerate roommate. Annie is a debbie-downer, she hates school, her research, and she has a very limited circle of friends bc she is no fun to be around. I have really tried to be kind to her and try to point out the positives, and be there for her when she complains everyday about how much she hates everything here. It's absolutely draining and I feel like her therapist or something bc I just come home from school and listen to her whine. and I'm always trying to show her the positive side/lift up her spirits. So this is how she treats me? She doesn't believe me when I'm telling her the truth? Give me a break!!! she is supposed to graduate at the end of December. I am really hoping this happens. 9 more weeks together....i can make it..right?

my idea of a solution: write her a letter and tape it to the coconut oil. I will once again explain that I didn't use her coconut oil (it is half gone and she says she only used it once...i never remember it being full and I used it once and she knew about that time bc we were home together and cooking together). after I do this she will still be nasty. i just know it. she is unforgiving and apparently a bit crazy.

my biggest issues are mornings and evenings. i am trying to spend more time at the gym and at school. i have to see her though and i just feel such tension. i was saying hello, good morning, etc to her and she just says them back in an angry tone--or doesnt say anything. i have always been the first one to say good morning to her bc i basically try to kill her with kindness as she's never been that great of a roommie. this morning i said nothing. she didn't say anything either. it was sooooo awkward. i hate living like this. i can't not talk for the next 9 weeks! ughh.
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Old 10-07-2010, 01:43 AM
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This is an awesome thread!! I don't need to vent (too much) about my husband, but it's my mother.

Black Rhino, it sounds like your roommate has some personal issues that have resulted in her need to control someone, and that someone is you. Don't give in, stand your ground or it will continue to happen over and over. Keep doing what you are doing, even thought it is awkward, and get out if you can.

My mother (I keep wanting to call her mom - but that sounds like she was a normal mom) has some major personality issues (none officially diagnosed). She was emotionally abusive my entire life and I recently stopped seeing her and won't allow her to see my children. She feels the need to control and manipulate me. Her latest stunt is to contact my husband - because I won't answer her calls or emails - and threaten legal action to see my kids. Then she goes and tells him that he is unsupportive and a horrible husband and father. I guess it's not working with me right now, so she thought she would aim at my husband, despite him being more supportive than I can imagine. She also tells me I'm mentally ill and depressed, despite my therapist saying the opposite. Anyway, this is the reason I binge eat and, while I manage to keep it under control, it has been so difficult lately since I feel like our relationship has hit rock bottom and I don't see an end to her manipulation.

I don't need advice, but support is always welcome
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Old 10-07-2010, 01:58 AM
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Woah! Blackrhino Your roomate sounds like my mom lol The only thing that makes me realize it's not her is she's in school. Even the name is a similar ringer lol Really, my mom showed the same behavior throughout her life, and she still does. I hear the things she says about all the variety of people she's lived with through her life- and she's lived with many, and all of them are apparently at fault and Not her. She still does this with me too.

The best advices I can offer you are:

For relatively fast but unrealistic but fast fixes:

A) find another place to live for the next 9 weeks-but I know how difficult it can be to move in a ruch, for a short period of time. If you can't move then B) Find every reason you can to avoid being near her, including asking to spend the night at other friends houses on weekends-this isn't necessarily a great idea but it can help when tensions are extremely high.
C) Apologies, and give a new coconut oil to make her shut up. (I've had to do this with my own mom on many many MANY occassions, and it may not solve the problem, but it makes her stop at the moment. I tried sticking to what I knew was true but when someone like this has it dead set that YOU stole the object, there's no convincing them and often the truth makes them more angry.

More realistic Fixes, but not fast:

A) Stick to the Truth, and refuse to buy the coconut oil, and tell her she is behaving like a two year old child. I mean really! It's a replaceable food! Tell her to get over the Mine phase, and grow up! Even if you did eat it, so what?! Did anyone get injured?
B) Sit down with her- and maybe some other mutual friend who experience the same behavior from her- and have a serious discussion about her unnaceptable behavior. She may still think she's right, but if others join you at least you know you're not alone when confronting her together. The more support the less fear of being isolated by verbal abuse. You will have others to talk to, and she'll know it.
C) Be boldly blunt with her, and tell her exactly how she's acting, but in a non-abusive way. Always be calm too. (This gets under my moms skin) If you're calm, the chance of them becomming aware that they are the only one acting foolish is greater.
D) If it turns to loud enough shouting, and verbal abuse- walk out. You don't have to listen to her at all!!! You deserve you own sense of peace in your own home- and shouldn't have to feel threatened or as if you must walk on egg shells to have peace. If she gets more angry, that's her problem, and tell her that when she confronts why you just walked out. Tell her you don't have to listen to her abuse over such an insignificant topic, and it's really childish of her.

Also, count your blessings..this truly helps! At the end of the 9 weeks at least you get to be away from her, and not deal with her anymore unlike her own family. Sometimes this alone is enough to get through the hard times. Maybe you can even discuss it with her school counselor. It's difficult dealing with a person that has these tendancies, especially when you don't have the ability to get away from it as quickly as you wish. Kill her with kindness, but make it clear to her that you're a nice, honest person who doesn't deserve her abuse. She needs to seek help for her behavior regardless of its reasons.
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Old 10-07-2010, 02:13 AM
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It sounds like you really had a hard time of it, but are now taking control of your life. The facts that you are seeing a therapist and are not letting your abusive parent see your children are two actions to keep her posion from spilling over into the next generation. And kudos for your attitude of not letting your mother issues turn into reasons for binging!
(And I hope you have mentioned to your husband how much you appreciate his support--more than once!)
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Old 10-07-2010, 02:39 AM
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Brandismom, what a great idea for a thread!

Julia, I feel your frustration! Living with people you can't get along with is the most awkward thing. But frankly, I wouldn't buy your roomie that bottle of coconut oil. You didn't take it, so getting her some oil would almost be like making the confession that she had a point screaming at you after all. Getting her that silly bottle won't change all that much, I'm afraid, since her outburst(s?) seem to stem from general dissatisfaction rather than simple annoyance over an empty bottle. I don't know... on the other hand, if there is any hope that the tensions will cease once she gets a new bottle of freakin' cocnut oil, it might be worth spending a couple of bucks... I'd try to sit it out though.
Whatever you decide on, I wish you lots of strengh and energy to deal with her as courteously as you can and that special ounce of humor that some roommate-situations simply require...
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Old 10-07-2010, 03:20 AM
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Oh Julia, I totally feel for you! I had a roommate just like that when I was in college. I swear, sounds like the same person. The resemblance is uncanny. I said this exact sentence back then,

"It's absolutely draining and I feel like her therapist or something bc I just come home from school and listen to her whine."

First of all, you have to pull back on what you give her. Don't go to so much trouble trying to cheer her up or be positive for her. It won't help her anyway and the last thing you need is to be drained even more.

I also know all about the feeling of your heart racing while someone calls you names like "liar." I feel your pain. All I can tell you, as someone who has been there, just try the best you can to make it through these next 9 weeks and keep your eye on the prize. Obviously you will never live with her again. If you ask me, she sounds like she has a personality disorder. My roommate was actually diagnosed with one, years after we stopped living together and she said the diagnosis was bull. (I agree with her doctor!) Anyway, my only regret is that I let my roommate dictate my actions to a ridiculous degree. I know it's hard, but somehow you need to strike a balance between standing your ground and keeping the peace. I would definitely not buy her another bottle of coconut oil and the next time she yells at you, you have to walk away immediately. Do not give her the stage on which to perform her evil monologue. Walk away immediately and tell her that you refuse to argue or fight with her. The less you can engage her the better. She is an attention seeker and she will just continue to suck energy out of you. Talk to a friend or relative that is a good listener. Come here to vent and keep focused on your own path to self improvement. I really wish you the best of luck with this!
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