venting/in need of encouragement

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Old 03-09-2011, 09:41 PM
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Hey all,

I've been using Fitday for about a year and have lurked on the forums a bit, but I'm not much of a poster. I need an outlet, though, so here I am. =)

I don't really even know where to start. I was never athletic growing up, and I had never paid a lot of attention to what I ate. I didn't ever think of myself as terribly overweight, because I've always had a very proportionate body type. Even if I put on weight, I keep the same type of figure, it's not like I just get a gut. Even a few years ago, I thought I looked pretty good and was confident, even if I felt like I could lose a few, it was never a big deal. Two years ago, I started working out and lost weight easily without a lot of change to my diet. When I plateaued, I met with a nutritionist and cracked down on my diet, and lost some more. It's been very gradual over the two years, but I've lost about 40 pounds of fat and have become very muscular. A few months ago, I was meeting with a personal trainer and I was at 19% body fat. Around the same time, I was seeing a therapist to deal with body image problems and disordered eating habits I'd developed. I still see the old me when I look in the mirror, and I feel like if I go buy a pair of jeans, the girl at the store is thinking "there's no way you wear this size." I'd gotten away from the disordered eating for a while, but I've been back in a cycle of starving/binging/purging again as of late. A lot of problems sprung up with the birth control pill I was on, as I started gaining weight over the past few months despite my activity level and diet. I had my thyroid checked before coming to any conclusions with the pill, so I've ruled that out. I've been off the pill for a couple of weeks, but the one I was on contained a diuretic, so now I'm retaining water like crazy. It's really hard to deal with the weight fluctuation, because I'm up ten pounds from my normal weight and I'm having trouble with my clothes fitting. I know it's temporary, but it's making me nuts. On top of all of this, my significant other of three years has, what I'm referring to in the nicest of ways, a cruel sense of humor and makes frequent remarks about the size of my bum or my tummy. This morning he commented on how I look like I'm bloated. Well no freaking kidding, dude. He thinks he's funny. He does have redeeming qualities, but it's hard to deal with him on top of dealing with myself. He is completely unaware of any disordered eating or therapy at all. I guess the relationship is a whole other issue on it's own.

I don't know why I'm airing this like this, but it's making me crazy. I'm 27, 5'4", and typically a pretty muscular 130 (though this birth control stuff is puffing me up), so logically I know that I'm being stupid. My heart, mind, and body are all on different pages, though. I am so disappointed in myself that this has become what I'm about, that this is what I'm basing my self worth upon.

I'm at a loss right now and I'm exhausted with trying to feel better. I love him, but I don't know how to get him to stop or make him understand the impact he's having. I'm putting more time into my faith, my volunteering, and taking care of myself, but he is really dragging me down. Ughf.
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Old 03-09-2011, 11:39 PM
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Hi Samantha

You have a lot going on. The hormone changes from the pill -- and from going off it can affect you emotionally as well as physically. I can't give you much advise on your partner's "cruel sense of humour". My ex had the same problem and I never resolved that issue with him. Be careful of how his remarks can destroy your self confidence.

It sounds like you have some professional support lined up. Make sure you use them and also rely on friends. Hopefully you will get the support you need here as well.

Remember this will pass. Mary
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Old 03-11-2011, 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by samantha761 View Post
Hey all,

On top of all of this, my significant other of three years has, what I'm referring to in the nicest of ways, a cruel sense of humor and makes frequent remarks about the size of my bum or my tummy. This morning he commented on how I look like I'm bloated. Well no freaking kidding, dude. He thinks he's funny. He does have redeeming qualities, but it's hard to deal with him on top of dealing with myself.
This seems like a red flag to me. Does he think you are being "over-sensitive" and "can't take a joke" ? If you can't get him to understand, I would seriously reconsider the relationship, because the teasing isn't going to stop. That's my two cents from being in my 40s and seeing myself and friends go through similar things.

It sounds like you are at a great height and weight and 19% body fat is enviable. You are at a great place right now and you are doing the right things to move forward.

Good luck.
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Old 03-11-2011, 07:44 PM
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I have to agree with rmdaly. You described his humour as cruel, and that he's making your other issues worse. Have you told him to stop, or that it bothers you? Have you considered telling him about your disordered eating? If you don't trust him with that information, that might be telling right there. The person you're with should make you feel safe, not worse. Even toxic people can have redeeming qualities, this is usually why people stay.

I was caught in this trap before as well. For me it was two years, by the time I got out, I had barely any self esteem left. Frankly I hated myself.
Sit him down, and tell him you do not want him making any more remarks about your body. Tell him it hurts you. Look him dead in the eyes and tell him to STOP. If he laughs, tells you to lighten up, stop making a big deal, or anything else along those lines, or continues - its not going to change. Don't let someone rob you of life.

Have you considered going back to therapy (not sure if you still are)? I found it helped me through those roughest spots.

Focus on what will make you better, it doesn't make you selfish but strong enough to know that you're worth it (and you are).
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:31 PM
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Originally Posted by rmdaly View Post
This seems like a red flag to me. Does he think you are being "over-sensitive" and "can't take a joke" ? If you can't get him to understand, I would seriously reconsider the relationship, because the teasing isn't going to stop. That's my two cents from being in my 40s and seeing myself and friends go through similar things.
Yep, that's exactly what he thinks... and then he thinks I'm nuts when I try to talk to him about it, like I'm the one that's completely mental. Well, maybe I am, because I put up with his nonsense.

Anyway. I really appreciate you all taking the time to read and reply. It helps to have validation and have unbiased people back me up that aren't friends or family. I haven't been to the therapist in a while as my insurance stopped covering it and I just can't afford it as my darling horse has fallen ill and is incurring hefty bills on top of everything else. The thrills never stop! My HMO does offer an eating disorders group that I have been reluctant to attend, but maybe it's time. I keep thinking that I'm not troubled enough to go to a group, like I'm wasting their time, that if I really belonged there, I'd be skinnier, etc etc... but really, something's got to give. I know better than to think my value has anything to do with my jean size or weight, it's just a matter of believing it.

Thank you all. Your responses mean a lot. =)
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Old 03-11-2011, 11:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Chocoholic89 View Post
You described his humour as cruel, and that he's making your other issues worse. Have you told him to stop, or that it bothers you? Have you considered telling him about your disordered eating? If you don't trust him with that information, that might be telling right there. The person you're with should make you feel safe, not worse. Even toxic people can have redeeming qualities, this is usually why people stay.

I was caught in this trap before as well. For me it was two years, by the time I got out, I had barely any self esteem left. Frankly I hated myself.
Sit him down, and tell him you do not want him making any more remarks about your body. Tell him it hurts you. Look him dead in the eyes and tell him to STOP. If he laughs, tells you to lighten up, stop making a big deal, or anything else along those lines, or continues - its not going to change. Don't let someone rob you of life.

Have you considered going back to therapy (not sure if you still are)? I found it helped me through those roughest spots.

Focus on what will make you better, it doesn't make you selfish but strong enough to know that you're worth it (and you are).
On this one... I have a very hard time trusting him, and you're right, that's a huge problem. It's all taken a massive toll on my confidence and self-esteem, and I am definitely at a place where something needs to change... sadly, I don't think he's going to do any changing, so that's probably that. It's just a matter of be getting up enough backbone to do something about it. Always easier said than done, but the encouragement to take care of myself helps a ton. Thank you. =)
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Old 03-12-2011, 12:48 AM
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Originally Posted by jjeand View Post
Definitely going to have to be clear and probably a little honest about what you are going through. Something like "You're jokes are rubbing salt in wound I realize you didn't know existed. I've had problems with bulimia in the past. It has to be an off limits area for jokes or comments." Maybe even write it down and give it to him if it's too difficult to say.
I think this is wonderful advice. I also think he deserves a chance to understand the whole problem, and if confronting him directly is too hard for you, writing it down is a great way to be clear and complete. Once he is confronted with the entire situation, including your past difficulties, then you can see how he handles them and make your decisions accordingly.

Men can be wonderful, but they can also be remarkably dense. Sometimes a situation can seem crystal clear to us women, but they have no clue what they are doing is the wrong thing or hurtful to us. Only when the situation is clearly presented to him and you can see his response, then can you decide if he is a keeper or another one to throw back. But don't assume he understands until you explain something to him completely.

These are just things I have learned. Your mileage may vary!
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Old 03-12-2011, 01:44 AM
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in response to the op, I hope this may help, it's a long read:

Freedom from bulimia!
Well girls...I suffered w/bulimia for 7 years. Struggled w/weight & self esteem issues as a young girl( beginning in the 2nd grade), even starved myself for a few days in jr high...my mother & grandmother stopped me...and into high school and my twenties I struggled. In my mid 20's I watched a news program about eating disorders. I thought, "hmm, if I do binge & purge, I'll do it just to lose the weight and then I'll stop"...I was clueless about how my body worked and I became addicted.

Let me share with you a few of my reality moments:

1st reality moment: I'd been to a counseling clinic, a psychologist on a regular basis, a psychiatrist for both counseling and meds, and had been treated by my family doctor who was wanting me to go back to a counselor over a 5 year time frame. That day I was rock bottom. I called my husband home from work, who came to my bedside as I cried for 2 hours. He didn't know what to say. Finally, he told me that I had to take every thought captive and bring them into submission to the Word of God(Holy Bible). I realized that I had the power to turn the channel in my head. I have the ability to control what I think. I had to start believing what God thinks about me and throw out the lies that Satan wanted me to believe. All the lies that I wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't thin enough. Whatever the lies were. I had to realize that if it was negative towards me and not true then I had to throw it out of my head!

Then, my husband made me stand in front of a mirror and tell myself that I was pretty. Bless his heart!

2nd reality moment: Sept 11, 2001...I stood in front of the mirror naked and my life flashed before me. I thought, "Oh, it doesn't matter how much I weigh or what my hair looks like...I'm here for God's glory."

3rd reality moment: It was a process...but I can share with you that on the day that I had my final reality moment, I realized that God had a plan and purpose for my life, and satan wanted me dead and I was killing myself by doing this to myself. I couldn't accomplish God's plan & purpose for my life with the addiction. I was furiously angry!!!

Now, within a few months of completely giving it up...I was tempted a few times after that but I'd quickly remind myself that satan wanted me dead and I couldn't accomplish what God had for me. I'd get so mad!!!! I'd get furious and say, "NO!"

My husband and I watched the very first Discovery Health Body Challenge in 2001. We watched the program and applied what we learned. It was count calories, eat low fat and exercise...within 12 weeks I lost 40 pounds! I was in awe. I'd struggled all my life and was finally able to have the victory, not only over the addiction but my weight!!!

I decided that day that it was all or nothing and I've given it my all. You'd be blown away to know all the things that I've gotten to do because of that moment. I'm just excited thinking about it!!!! Within 3 months I was driving a 6 hour round trip to counsel women with eating disorders at a drug rehab center. The directors told me there wasn't anyone else that would come. I guess not for free ) I think that year of commuting every month solidified it all in me as I had to share with those women. Then the doors started opening even more. I was invited to share my story at a women's conference in Athens, Greece. I shared my story in Colombia. Now I live full time in Mexico!!! I've got to do some BIG things!!! And had I never given it over to God that day, I can't even imagine where I'd be today, but it wouldn't be here. I have a wonderful full complete and joyful life!

So what were some of the things I'd teach the ladies at the rehab center?

I said look...you're passionate about being addicted to this. It's bad for you. The bile from your stomach will erode the enamel off of your teeth. You will grow peach fuzz prematurely on your face like an old lady. You run the risk of erupting your esophagus and dying.

You have what it takes to overcome this girls...You've already got it inside of you. With the same passion & drive you have to be addicted to this. Be addicted and passionate for what's going to be beneficial to you!!! The adventure has gotten even more exciting for me in the past year!!! Even today!!! Obsessed?? Be obsessed with what is good for you!! Research ladies. google the info that you need. Find out what foods are good for your body. Be all that you can be!!!

16 months ago, I was 40 years old and I felt like an old lady. I was eating so much processed food and eating out so much that I felt terrible. I had no energy. I still counted calories but the problem was what I was eating. I was inspired, once again, by a program that I'd seen on tv. Google David Murdock's interview w/Oprah. I looked at that clip and was done in! We went and bought a juicer. When he said we don't need supplements because we CAN get our nutrition from food, I was in!

Now I make everything from ketchup to pasta...I even learned how to grind my own whole wheat flour, planted a vegetable/herb garden and got 5 chicks!!!! lol Life is awesome!!! You can do it. Decide today that you're done w/this binge eating and move on to your new, happy, wonderful life!!!

I love food! lol I eat a little too much of it and that's why I'm here.

Last Saturday, I wrote out what I want from myself. Here's my list:

I will weigh 145 lbs
Go to bed at 10 p.m
Get up at 7 a.m. coffee/journal/Bible

Workout 5 days a week
Walk Bruno 6 days a week
Ride bike 3 days a week

Not eat after 7 p.m.

Drink 10 glasses of water a day

1200-1400 calories a day
one day 1800 calories ok

Ladies, I'm challenging you! Who do you want to be? What do you want from yourself. Grab it and become it!!! You've got it inside of you. You've already proven you've got the drive...you just need to drive it in the right direction
I forgot to mention a key element to the whole deal...when giving up something, you've got to replace it. Set up a game plan. You know the situations that trigger it off. Sounds like you came home, were stressed out, possibly hungry and have a very strong sugar addiction. Can you do something for yourself tonight that's going to get you to the victory on this? Google side effects of sugar. It's so bad for us! It makes horrible mood swings and instability w/our emotions.

In May, my parents came down for a visit and my dad wanted to make milk shakes, so we started buying ice cream. I gained weight! It's my weakness. I LOVE...did I say I LOVE ice cream??? After their 10 day visit, the ice cream kept coming to my house and guess what? I ate it! It tastes good! And you know what? It messed me up! I had gained weight that make it hard for me to move around, I have 3 herniated discs and I'm limited on some of my activities. Finally, two months ago I told my husband no more! He said I needed to control myself. I said it's not good for us, why bring it in here? Don't bring it home anymore. If you want it, eat it out but don't bring it here. There's no reason for it, it makes my life miserable! So, it's been banished! lol

Then I went from eating ice cream to chowing the cold cereal. Guess what? That's out now too! lol

So, you and your hubby, if you're married, are going to have to be bigger than all of this and recognize that it's going to have to go!

Now, I did replace the ice cream with something good for us!!! It's super yummy and every ounce of it is beneficial to our health and taste buds! D I make natural yogurt but plain yogurt from the store w/out sugar will work. I dump 1-2 cups of yogurt in the blender and add 2-4 cups of frozen berries!!! We get lots of fresh berries in our area so I freeze them. THEN, I add 1/2-3/4 cup of local raw honey! It's to die for! Honey is God food. You will acquire a taste for it. If it was all you knew, you'd never have a qualm about it. But you were introduced to sugar and so making a change will take an effort. I bake with it, add it to salad, tea & coffee. It's wonderful! I don't buy it at the local stands because they add corn syrup! YUK!

Please, please, please...make out a game plan. Recognize what sets you off and figure out ahead of time what you're going to do in it's place. After awhile, it all becomes second nature and you think nothing of it. You feel great! Happy and content that you overcame it! I guarantee it! If I can do it, you can too!

You're going to be a success!!!! Decide to be a success right now!

Last edited by funnygirl0940; 03-12-2011 at 01:48 AM.
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Old 03-12-2011, 09:51 AM
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I wouldn't tell him about bulimia, men find it gross and have generally zero understanding for eating disorders. Relationship is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. Take advice from Dr. Greg (co-writer of He's Just Not That Into You) and consider losing of 175lb - in the form of your boyfriend.
I'm speaking from a position of on-off bulimic for many years, and a person who was married to the worst manipulator and brainwasher in the whole world. After I left him, I had absolutely zero self-confidence, I thought I can't decided or live on my own. I had hallucinations ( I heard shoes scream, people walking in my corridor, freaking as hell) when I left him and had nothing, was in the shop and needed a toothbrush and toothpaste, I broke into sweat and panicked (he 'taught' me that this was wasting of money) I bought the toothbrush first and toothpaste the next day, and then I realised some therapy was needed. Sure no one wants to end up like this.
A year on, several court hearings later, I was free from him and i was like a different person - self-confident, independent, better mother. Another year later I met the best, best man in my life, now we live together (am not saying he is perfect no one is, but he is quite near to being perfect)
Really, sit down and think, are you happy? no one is happy 24/7 but overall, are you happy? if your answer is no, then you have to decide how you want to live.
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Old 03-12-2011, 09:06 PM
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Venting ...

Think of this relationship as either healthy or tearing you down. A book that I am reading is teaching me to look at life as though I have one year left to live.

What would you do with that year? Would you look at yourself differently and love the things that drive you crazy? Would you have someone in your life that tears you down, you only have 12 months to live. Or would you learn more about yourself, love yourself and surround yourself with people that love you just the way you are.

You are a threat to this person who is unkind. I too know what it is like to binge, purge, even do drugs for years. I do not do these things now, but I completely understand how your mind justifies sticking your finger down your throat. I am now 55 and my beautiful teeth are destroyed. Did you know that you are burning the lining of your throat and can get cancer? Is anyone worth that?

Tell this guy to stop or kick him to the curb. You are someone special and you only have 12 months to live...
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