What my husband did . . .
 

Okay -- since this is a thread for ladies only, I want to start a place where we can simply VENT about our husbands/boyfriends/significant others/partners, etc.

I figure this is a safe forum.

RULES --

• You can vent all you want.
• If you don't want a "supportive/advice-type" reply -- say -- "Just venting" at the end.
• If you want support/replies, ask for it.
• Don't offer replies to those who say "just venting" -- we may just need to b&tch and be heard so we can move on -- even if we are being unreasonable
• If someone is talking about real abuse -- all rules do not reply -- we will support each other by saying "get help, now!!!"

Enjoy.

And I'll start it off -- my husband often accuses me of "shouting" at him when I do not raise my voice to him. His definition of "shouting" means "asking him to be accountable for anything he doesn't want to have to be accountable for." It enrages me because I am not a "shouter", I am not a person who leans towards "violence" or any kind of behavior that is anything but ladylike -- I am a southern woman. But he was raised in that environment and so he puts those feelings on me --he "hears" me shouting when I am not doing anything of the sort. And it make me so angry . . . I WANT TO SHOUT AT HIM!!!!! Which is, of course, the irony.

Just venting.

Ang

LOL, you have to chuckle at the irony there. I also am not a shouter, well I wasn't a shouter until we had children, yet I never take that tone with my DH as it would gain me nothing. Yet he frequently plays the whole "I'm henpecked to death" card. Now my mother is like an Olympic Gold Medalist in the sport of nagging, so I know a thing or two about how to henpeck a man. And although I love that woman to pieces, there are times when I pretend I'm not turning into her. I always manage to take a deep calming breath before I begin on any "touchy" subject, and work very hard to maintain a facade of civility. And still he goes in to "henpecked to death" mode. Sort of makes you wonder what would happen if he really got blasted with the nag pistols his little wifey is hiding under her bonnet.

Great idea for a thread BTW.

That's what is SOOO frustrating. I am putting into practice things my counselor is teaching us like 'okay, take a deep breath before you say this and make sure the response is measured' and he STILL plays the "henpecked to death (love that expression)" card. SIGH, SIGH, SIGHHHHHHHHHH. And when I tried to discuss yesterday's incident with him today and explain why him accusing me of "shouting" when I'm not bothers me, he still insisted I was "shouting" or "taking a tone of you've been a naughty boy" when I was not, I SWEAR!!"

Thanks -- and one reason I want to start this is so we can EXPRESS, rather than EAT through our feelings.

Take care,
Ang

Halleuia what a great post - I thought I was married to the only one of these!! We are fighting now over CVS screwing up Rx's last night as they do every month. Hate the damn place. He thinks I should let it go. And our divorced 49 year old daughter is driving me nuts. She lives alone but likes to play the poor me card. Oh happy day - Not.

ok, i totally need to vent--but please offer advice too. last night my roommate went on a rampage about how i stole her coconut oil. she was screaming at me, my heart was racing but I kept calm and kept explaining that I didn't steal her coconut oil, just like I did last week when she brought up the same issue. she is so scary! :( i don't want to see her...and yet I have to.

i don't know if any of you are readers of the 5-15 pound club but I wrote about it there last week and I thought it was over, but it's not! i am now back to thinking I should buy her a bottle of coconut oil bc I don't know what else to do--altho I'm pretty sure living with her will be miserable no matter what. She called me some really nasty names last night: like screaming that I was a liar numerous times!

I am shocked about this whole fiasco bc I feel like I have gone out of my way to be a considerate roommate. Annie is a debbie-downer, she hates school, her research, and she has a very limited circle of friends bc she is no fun to be around. I have really tried to be kind to her and try to point out the positives, and be there for her when she complains everyday about how much she hates everything here. It's absolutely draining and I feel like her therapist or something bc I just come home from school and listen to her whine. and I'm always trying to show her the positive side/lift up her spirits. So this is how she treats me? She doesn't believe me when I'm telling her the truth? Give me a break!!! she is supposed to graduate at the end of December. I am really hoping this happens. 9 more weeks together....i can make it..right?

my idea of a solution: write her a letter and tape it to the coconut oil. I will once again explain that I didn't use her coconut oil (it is half gone and she says she only used it once...i never remember it being full and I used it once and she knew about that time bc we were home together and cooking together). after I do this she will still be nasty. i just know it. she is unforgiving and apparently a bit crazy.

my biggest issues are mornings and evenings. i am trying to spend more time at the gym and at school. i have to see her though and i just feel such tension. i was saying hello, good morning, etc to her and she just says them back in an angry tone--or doesnt say anything. i have always been the first one to say good morning to her bc i basically try to kill her with kindness as she's never been that great of a roommie. this morning i said nothing. she didn't say anything either. it was sooooo awkward. i hate living like this. i can't not talk for the next 9 weeks! ughh.

This is an awesome thread!! I don't need to vent (too much) about my husband, but it's my mother.

Black Rhino, it sounds like your roommate has some personal issues that have resulted in her need to control someone, and that someone is you. Don't give in, stand your ground or it will continue to happen over and over. Keep doing what you are doing, even thought it is awkward, and get out if you can.

My mother (I keep wanting to call her mom - but that sounds like she was a normal mom) has some major personality issues (none officially diagnosed). She was emotionally abusive my entire life and I recently stopped seeing her and won't allow her to see my children. She feels the need to control and manipulate me. Her latest stunt is to contact my husband - because I won't answer her calls or emails - and threaten legal action to see my kids. Then she goes and tells him that he is unsupportive and a horrible husband and father. I guess it's not working with me right now, so she thought she would aim at my husband, despite him being more supportive than I can imagine. She also tells me I'm mentally ill and depressed, despite my therapist saying the opposite. Anyway, this is the reason I binge eat and, while I manage to keep it under control, it has been so difficult lately since I feel like our relationship has hit rock bottom and I don't see an end to her manipulation.

I don't need advice, but support is always welcome :)

Woah! Blackrhino Your roomate sounds like my mom lol The only thing that makes me realize it's not her is she's in school. Even the name is a similar ringer lol Really, my mom showed the same behavior throughout her life, and she still does. I hear the things she says about all the variety of people she's lived with through her life- and she's lived with many, and all of them are apparently at fault and Not her. She still does this with me too.

The best advices I can offer you are:

For relatively fast but unrealistic but fast fixes:

A) find another place to live for the next 9 weeks-but I know how difficult it can be to move in a ruch, for a short period of time. If you can't move then B) Find every reason you can to avoid being near her, including asking to spend the night at other friends houses on weekends-this isn't necessarily a great idea but it can help when tensions are extremely high.
C) Apologies, and give a new coconut oil to make her shut up. (I've had to do this with my own mom on many many MANY occassions, and it may not solve the problem, but it makes her stop at the moment. I tried sticking to what I knew was true but when someone like this has it dead set that YOU stole the object, there's no convincing them and often the truth makes them more angry.

More realistic Fixes, but not fast:

A) Stick to the Truth, and refuse to buy the coconut oil, and tell her she is behaving like a two year old child. I mean really! It's a replaceable food! Tell her to get over the Mine phase, and grow up! Even if you did eat it, so what?! Did anyone get injured?
B) Sit down with her- and maybe some other mutual friend who experience the same behavior from her- and have a serious discussion about her unnaceptable behavior. She may still think she's right, but if others join you at least you know you're not alone when confronting her together. The more support the less fear of being isolated by verbal abuse. You will have others to talk to, and she'll know it.
C) Be boldly blunt with her, and tell her exactly how she's acting, but in a non-abusive way. Always be calm too. (This gets under my moms skin) If you're calm, the chance of them becomming aware that they are the only one acting foolish is greater.
D) If it turns to loud enough shouting, and verbal abuse- walk out. You don't have to listen to her at all!!! You deserve you own sense of peace in your own home- and shouldn't have to feel threatened or as if you must walk on egg shells to have peace. If she gets more angry, that's her problem, and tell her that when she confronts why you just walked out. Tell her you don't have to listen to her abuse over such an insignificant topic, and it's really childish of her.


Also, count your blessings..this truly helps! At the end of the 9 weeks at least you get to be away from her, and not deal with her anymore unlike her own family. Sometimes this alone is enough to get through the hard times. Maybe you can even discuss it with her school counselor. It's difficult dealing with a person that has these tendancies, especially when you don't have the ability to get away from it as quickly as you wish. Kill her with kindness, but make it clear to her that you're a nice, honest person who doesn't deserve her abuse. She needs to seek help for her behavior regardless of its reasons.

Wylie,

It sounds like you really had a hard time of it, but are now taking control of your life. The facts that you are seeing a therapist and are not letting your abusive parent see your children are two actions to keep her posion from spilling over into the next generation. And kudos for your attitude of not letting your mother issues turn into reasons for binging!
(And I hope you have mentioned to your husband how much you appreciate his support--more than once!)

Brandismom, what a great idea for a thread!

Julia, I feel your frustration! Living with people you can't get along with is the most awkward thing. But frankly, I wouldn't buy your roomie that bottle of coconut oil. You didn't take it, so getting her some oil would almost be like making the confession that she had a point screaming at you after all. Getting her that silly bottle won't change all that much, I'm afraid, since her outburst(s?) seem to stem from general dissatisfaction rather than simple annoyance over an empty bottle. I don't know... on the other hand, if there is any hope that the tensions will cease once she gets a new bottle of freakin' cocnut oil, it might be worth spending a couple of bucks... I'd try to sit it out though.
Whatever you decide on, I wish you lots of strengh and energy to deal with her as courteously as you can and that special ounce of humor that some roommate-situations simply require...

Oh Julia, I totally feel for you! I had a roommate just like that when I was in college. I swear, sounds like the same person. The resemblance is uncanny. I said this exact sentence back then,

"It's absolutely draining and I feel like her therapist or something bc I just come home from school and listen to her whine."

First of all, you have to pull back on what you give her. Don't go to so much trouble trying to cheer her up or be positive for her. It won't help her anyway and the last thing you need is to be drained even more.

I also know all about the feeling of your heart racing while someone calls you names like "liar." I feel your pain. All I can tell you, as someone who has been there, just try the best you can to make it through these next 9 weeks and keep your eye on the prize. Obviously you will never live with her again. If you ask me, she sounds like she has a personality disorder. My roommate was actually diagnosed with one, years after we stopped living together and she said the diagnosis was bull. (I agree with her doctor!) Anyway, my only regret is that I let my roommate dictate my actions to a ridiculous degree. I know it's hard, but somehow you need to strike a balance between standing your ground and keeping the peace. I would definitely not buy her another bottle of coconut oil and the next time she yells at you, you have to walk away immediately. Do not give her the stage on which to perform her evil monologue. Walk away immediately and tell her that you refuse to argue or fight with her. The less you can engage her the better. She is an attention seeker and she will just continue to suck energy out of you. Talk to a friend or relative that is a good listener. Come here to vent and keep focused on your own path to self improvement. I really wish you the best of luck with this!

thank you for all of your responses. I need it so much!! it means so much to me and really helps me feel some relief.

i'm definitely still up in the air for how to approach this but what I hope to do is stand my ground in a calm and clear manner in writing. I don't know if I'll get her the silly coconut oil or not. I will still be pleasant but not anything more than that. I will go away every weekend and I will suggest that if she wants to talk about this we get a 3rd person involved to mediate.

I will try to spend all of my time at home reading books or internet, not sitting on the couch with her.

Also, I will *try to continuously remind myself of how my life is really pretty good, this is just a drop in the bucket, things could be worse and I really have a lot to be grateful for. I can't let this prevent me from enjoying life.

I read these 7 axiom's of life from a website and I am repeating some of these to myself to get me through this. Here they are if they help anyone else:
1. You are exactly where you are supposed to be
2. Fear and pain are life’s greatest teachers
3. Laughter and play are the keys to the fountain of youth
4. Exercise and rest are the keys to vibrant health
5. Touch and intimacy are basic human needs
6. Everything is impermanent
7. Everything is connected

I've had a few roomies from hell, and one thing I've learned is that it takes much less energy to admit to something than it does to defend yourself against a lunatic. So if she brings up the coconut oil incident again, just say (with a smile) "yes it's all my fault, now let's move on". Clearly she wants a confrontation, some people are wired to seek it or have just lived so long in a constant stage of abrasion they can't function without it. So when she's ready to battle it out, deny her the opportunity. If you won't take the bait, you can't be a victim. The other thing you might consider is wearing headphones all the time and spending your off-hours at the gym working out. All that aggravation and frustration should make excellent workout fuel, especially if you do any sort of boxing/kick boxing workout. Make your stress work for you rather than against.

ROOMATE ISSUES CAN MAKE YOU HATE LIFE!! I know, I've had about 30 of them since college -- I always needed them to help with bills until I was about 32. I'm so sorry. Can you get OUT of the situation? Can you request a transfer to another room (sounds like this is a college situation). It doesn't sound like sitting down for a reasonable discussion would be something she'd be willing to participate in. If not, just continue to kill her with kindness, be firm and calm whenever she raises her voice and state that it's unnacceptable for her to speak to you that way -- and find good friends where you can crash on occasion? I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hi guys,
I think the roomie situation may be getting more bearable soon. I bought her the coconut oil and left it on the kitchen table, after she had already left for school. I attached a note that read:
Annie,
I understand you are under a lot of stress with your dissertation coming due soon. Maybe all that stress has clouded your judgment and made you accuse me of such things as taking your coconut oil when I truly have not taken it, other than the one time we spoke of. It is completely out of my control if you believe me or not. I hope you choose to believe me since I know I am being honest with you. Maybe one day you can apologize for accusing me of something I did not do. In the meantime, I bought you more coconut oil in hopes that we don't live in such tension over the next few weeks. I hope the next 8-9 weeks we have together, before you move out, are not a miserable time for us and that we can have peace in the house, which is what I want and will work towards.

Sincerely,
Julia

*Note, I doubt she will never apologize and it will majorly piss her off that I even included that in the letter..but whatever I wanted to say it!

Good news: the girl above me is looking for a roommate right now, and I think she is very nice! My plan is to wait it out another week, see how Annie treats me during this time--if she'll talk to me or just continue to stop around and be angry. If she continues to be rude and unpleasant than I will move upstairs! If she is pleasant than I won't create added drama and I will stick it out through December. Then it's FREEDOM!!!!!!! I feel such relief just to know I have an option to move out--something a lot of you guys mentioned.

Thank you Almeeker and Brandismom for your advice. Almeeker, I agree, if I had just said "yes, it's all my fault" then she prob would have been satisfied. I will try to be the bigger person and get good at doing this...but at the moment I think I am way to stubborn to give in.

Hey Julia, i'm hoping the roommate situation has cooled down already, and i'm glad you now have te opton of moving upstairs with a nicer person! i think maybe let the other girl know what you're thinking, and ask her to hold the place availablefor a week or so, until you know if you're moving or not. Anyway, like you, i can not ever admit to something that i didn't do, no matter what the situuation, it might cool off the situation, but only on a temporary basis, things will come up again and everytime you have to take the blame? not fair and not right! just my opinion!
anyway, i've reached my goal weight and i feel on top of the world, but hubby thinks i have lost too much weight. he says i've become too boney! don't think it's the case, but that's what he thinks. i'm a pixie size girl, only 5 feet and 125 lbs is still good enough, not too low, my range is 94 lbs to 128 and i'm not too far from the max for my height. i don't know how to feel about his comments! any idea?

Julia, I really liked the "before you move out" part :D
Farah, I think just stick to your guns and tell him you're happy where you're at, he'll just have to adjust to the new you. My sister is 5 feet and 3/4 inches tall (that 3/4 is very important to her) and 98 lbs, and is quite the toothpick, she's got a ballerina type body. I think 125 on your frame sounds pleasantly curvy.

Hi Lizzie, it's silly, i needed support to lose the extra weight and now seems i need support to fight negative feedbacks and stay in my healthy range too! Thank you for your supporting words, i do also think i'm curvey enough but it just gets to me anytime he makes a negative comment about my body! :(

I think 125 sounds about right for a pixie sized girl. I'm actually a teeny bit shorter and have been shooting for 120, but I've been stuck so long in the 150's I would take 125 in a hot second. I guess my first question about the hubby would be is he overweight? Is it possible he wants you to be a little overweight with him?

Just catchin' up on all your drama, Julia...wow, you have really been through it. I also had a difficult roommate in grad school and I know it can be pretty awkward. I think you handled it very well attempting to make peace but reiterating that you are not the one at fault here. I hope things are better by now; if not, maybe you can exercise your option to move. Just remember, you can't change crazy, or anyone else, for that matter, so do what you can on your end and let the rest of it go to the extent that it's possible.

Farah, I think it's common to be on the defensive about successfully losing, although it's a bummer that some comments have to come from your hubby. In addition to almeeker's point, whether or not yours is pudgy himself, it may simply be that this is a new change he's trying to get used to. By and large, people resist change, even when it's positive sometimes. He may also be feeling threatened (consciously or unconsciously) that you might be more appealing to other guys at this point. The bottom line, though, is that you did this for you, and at the end of the day, that's who has to be happy with it. Say this to yourself: "I am going to gain a few pounds back to make my husband happy." Now, wasn't that silly sounding? You sound like you are really healthy and healthy is attractive...and he'll get used to it.

Julia, I am sorry you are having a roommate from hell!

I agree to let the girl upstairs know what you are thinking and ask her to hold it ( unless you jump at the offer, which is what I would do) and here's why.

Your roommate might be temporarily appeased by the new bottle of oil but 9 weeks is a longgggg time. And there is nothing saying that tomorrow she could find something else to cause problems about.

To me, this is no different than an abused wife or child. And even though it quiets down for a little while, the abuser (even if it "only" verbal abuse) will keep escalating out of control, and you need to get out of the situation. Save yourself the energy of trying to keep the peace for the next 9 weeks! The other thought is, even after she is gone ( hopefully in December) there is no garantee the next roomie will be any better or worse. You might as well go to a roomie that you think is nice and save the aggrevation. The opportunity to get a nice roommate may not come along again if the situation doesnt improve.

As everyone else said, dont let her words and perceptions take you off course at bettering your own life! You are a valuable person and worth all the goodness that can come your way!

Looks like there are a lot of us living with challenging people. My sweatheart is just that most of the time, but can really be a pain. I have no time to myself or privacy...even in the bath tub. He has to come in and talk to me there. We have absolutely no issues with trust, but he still has to sit next to me while I'm on the computer and look over my shoulder at everything I do. It drives me crazy! I work my posts here into his bathroom breaks. (hee hee) Diet and exercise are so tough as well. We have to buy and eat what "he" wants ("fresh fruits and vegetables are a waste of money") and unless I get up at 5 a.m. to exercise, it doesn't get done because I'm supposed to spend all my time right next to him...which is usually on the couch watching tv. He has taken up an hour long bike ride after work the last week, but the weather's starting to get bad and I see that ending very soon. I don't have a bike that can handle that, so we don't go together. I do my treadmill or weights while he's gone. We both leave for work at the same time and get home at the same time. My lunch breaks are only 30 minutes and I wear a uniform to work so there really isn't much time to change my clothes and get any amount of a workout there. I've tried running on my lunch break at work, and I can get one mile in with enough time to get cleaned up and back to work. I could be more consistant about that. I've tried telling him how discouraged I'm getting with my lack of fitness, but he promises to help and that's as far as it goes....just the promise. Then we're right back to the same old..same old..
Any suggestions?

I think I would have to have a heart to heart with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that while you DO love him ( or whatever the actual feeling is), that there is such a thing as too much togetherness and not only do you feel smothered ( if indeed you do feel that way), but you have made some decisions about YOUR life * list them* ( get fitter, lose weight, eat healthier etc) and he can either join you in that venture, or he can sit back and watch while you do it, but that it WILL get done. I would let him also know that the way he is being non-suportive is driving a wedge there.

But my thinking goes beyond that. Why does he feel the need to control your every move and activity? (To me, that would be a danger sign.) When you have to "sneak" in exercise or posting on a forum, there is , to me, a real problem. It sounds not only like you are battling the food issues/weight issues, but also him and the non encouragement as well as trying to fight to get some time to post or exercise. What on earth does he find to 'talk' about 16 hours a day ( that you are not at work ) that you cant even take a bath alone? I dont want to overstep, but I really do think there is a problem there and one that could get worse in time if limits arent set now.

I am hesitant to comment about any of the specifics because I don't know your family or your relationship, but I can say from years of experience conducting couple's therapy that a healthy relationship is like two overlapping hula hoops laying on the floor, with your shared stuff in the overlapped part and each of you having some free and clear area as well. There is a time and a place for togetherness, but if you don't each have the "independent, my own stuff" aspect, it can lead to problems. You do say you're frustrated and I would be, too, in your shoes, based on what you describe. It may be that you need to be really, really firm about setting limits and prepare yourself to deal with the fallout that happens (in that he probably won't like it), or it may be that you could consider doing a few couples sessions together; I think any therapist would be quick to point out that his behaviors don't seem healthy for you or for him. Sometimes having that come from a neutral party is easier for the other person to hear. Good luck :)

Darlean, my DH and I met at work, and although technically we didn't "live" together, we lived together - if you know what I mean. We were literally in each others pockets 24/7/365, and my DH is a little like your sweety. We get along really well, but it was sort of weird not having any privacy, and I found myself doing everything his way, not so much because it was mandatory, probably more in order to keep everything running smoothly (because as women that's what we do, right?). As we got engaged our jobs changed and we no longer worked in the same cubicle, but outside of work we were always together. Over the years I've learned that when I need something to change for me or "us", I can change it and he goes along with that readily enough, although there is sometimes a grumble or two. For example, I used to be embarrassed to workout around him, but I'm over that. Now we work out together in the mornings, he does yoga in the living room, I do cardio in the dining room or intervals in the den. I plant a garden and he eats fresh veggies because they fit in our budget, he hates squash but he eats it anyway, because I cooked it and set it in front of him. He eats fruit because I buy it and put it in a big bowl in the middle of the kitchen, and there are no junky snacks in the house. It takes a while to work your man into some healthy habits, but it's very possible. And while it might be that he is controlling and you need to consider that for the long term, it might just be that your relationship is still in the "honeymoon" stage for him, or that he's someone that either needs or expects to be right by your side and flat out doesn't need the same degree of privacy that you do. My DH never spent a lot of time alone, so he doesn't need it like I sometimes do.

i moved out!
 

I came home Monday night to a really nasty, horrible note written to me from Annie, my former roommate. Also, over the weekend she took a dustpan of dirt from the floor and dumped it on the table where my placemat is. Wow. She has way more issues than I knew about. I never confronted her about this. I walked outside, called the landlord and got the OK to move. I came back inside to her yelling at me more. It was a bad night, but I never raised my voice or anything. I stayed calm infront of her even though I felt like I was having a heart attack. I left as soon as I could and hung out at the grocery store until I knew she was asleep. The next morning I moved out after she left for school (I didn't want her to know I was moving and come home to scream at me). I emailed her at 2pm to let her know I was moving out. So, I'd like to think its all over! Of course, I moved upstairs and so she is still someone I will see semi-frequently. Yesterday, she left a nasty note on my car accusing me of stealing her dishes before she realized she had put them in the dishwasher. She's really great at accusing me of things! She also came up and pounded on my apt door when my new roommate wasn't there. I jsut froze in the kitchen and didn't move. There is no way I'm talking to her with out a 3rd person around! Also, in the email I wrote to her I asked that all future correspondence be through email. She never wrote back.

So I am out!! :) I have a new roommate that I am getting used to---and I think she is very nice. I still feel somewhat screwed over and angry but I keep trying to just be happy I moved out.

All of this stress had made me not want to eat. I haven't been hungry since Monday morning, but I am making sure to stay healthy and eat well. It's been nice to not have to worry about bingeing but it's been pretty hard in other ways these past few days, as you can imagine.

Thank you ALL for commenting and leaving your advice and support. It makes me feel better when I read it..and then re-read it :)

I am Soooo happy you moved out! I hope that your new roommate will also be helpful in helping you achieve your goal.

One other thing, I wouldnt hesitate to either tell the landlord you have concerns about this woman and her unstable-ness and call 911 if she continues to harrass you or come to your door.

Congrats on moving out! It sounds like you did the right thing since she's taken it to a new level - and I agree with Pam, make sure the landlord knows your concerns.

I really hope it works out for you with the new roommate!

Happy for you, Julia...sometimes the only way to deal with toxic people is to avoid them altogether Take a deep breath and congratulate yourself on making the best decision for you and for handling like a mature adult ;).

congratulations Julia!!!!! i am soo happy for you!! you made a very good decision by moving out and i hope your new room mate is as good and better than you expected!
ok, back to my issue, Almeeker, my hubby is a bit overweight and like Darlean's partner, his favourite pass time is watching tv. i have tried encouraging him to work out, with no effect, so it might be that he wants me to be overweight with him.
and Cassie, i do love my new body so much i won't put an extra ounce of fat on it for anybody! i worked hard to get where i am(with supports from all of you) i won't change it for anyone's sake! so, he better get used to it.
and Darlean, my hubby, just like yours wants me to spend every minute of every hour home, sitting next to him, on the couch, watching tv. that's what i used to do, but now, i either get online to do my food entries or post or whatever, or exercise. i know to him, this is all a waste of time, since it keeps me away from him, but i need my time and privacy too.

Darlean --

One of the reasons I started this thread was because my husband and I are going through counseling and sometimes I need to "vent" about an issue that doesn't need to go in front of the therapist, but needs "exhaling".

I am concerned by how much your husband seems to want to control how things work in your house and that you allow him to do that -- especially in ways that can damage your health -- fresh veggies a waste of money??? I say this from a place of love -- not judgment -- because I DID WHAT YOU ARE DOING in a manner of degrees for years and have ended up in therapy and counseling. I was more like ALMEEKER who said "I found myself doing everything his way, not so much because it was mandatory, probably more in order to keep everything running smoothly (because as women that's what we do, right?). " But it is all a matter of degrees and I think you have to stand up for your own space and time early on, or you will never get it.

In fact, that's why I came to vent today. After my helping my husband entertain a business partner and client, he didn't even consider my schedule this weekend and made plans with friend who is coming to town. (Doesn't help that I ABSOLUTELY HATTTTEEEEEEE this "friend" and think he is scum and that whenever he's with my husband, DH ends up acting like an idiot, but that's another issue). And I am Pi&&ed because he should consider me and my schedule before making plans with others. Not that I would say "no you can't go out, you have to be with me" but rather than TELLING me "I made plans and I didn't know your schedule, so I'm not at fault." Why couldn't he say "Hey, friend is coming to town on Saturday. Is that your day off? It is? Would you mind very much if I went out with him anyway and I'll make it up to you next week?" But that is not how it is EVER presented because my husband doesn't want to be accountable to ANYONE.

He has real issues with authority of any kind, so it's not just me, but it is infuriating HOW he handles it.

He simply doesn't understand that courtesy and accountability to a partner is not "being controlled". It's respectful behavior and anything less is disrespectful.

I'm really getting to the point where I am "OVER IT" too.

Just venting on my end. Darlean -- make time for you now, take a stand, don't end up where I am having to "re-learn" how to have equity in a marriage and make it work.

Ang

Congratulations Blackrhino, I'm totally psyched for you!!! New place, mentally healthy-ish new room mate, a solid door and lock between you and old nut job room mate with the landlord on board to boot! All that and NO BINGING!!! It's win-win-win in your corner this week. I applaud your strength in the situation and I raise my artificially sweetened ice tea in your direction, cheers baby!

Brandismom, I'm so sorry that you're having difficult issues with your spouse. I'm sending mojo your way for DH to get a new good friend that intrudes on your home and time off, only the new good friend will be hot and ripped all over and think you're adorable... And yes, for the record I am that evil. My husband has a couple of irritating friends too, one I wished to perdition, and guess what? He got transferred to AZ (where it's hotter than hell). Coincidence? Not likely. A few others were just ooky enough to make my skin crawl and one by one they got hung in the parsons noose, right after I squinted and wrinkled my nose at them. Coincidence? Not by my calculations.

Darlean, what works best with my DH is communication. If I say to him "I'm going to workout at the gym tomorrow at 8:00am". Then he knows what to expect, where if I jump up Saturday morning, throw on my gym clothes and head for the door he's like "hey, where are you going?". And I always clench my teeth at that tone. I also find that if I spell something out very very clearly with facts then he can't argue about it, grumble/complain yes, argue - not so much. For example the recommended intake on orange vegetables is 3x weekly, so when DH says "ugh, squash again?" I can say "this is your second serving of orange vegetables this week, and we're having sweet potatoes Friday, if you want to complain anymore, you're welcome to make dinner tomorrow night". So I think it would be perfectly acceptable when you head for a soak in the tub to say something to him like "I'm going to soak and meditate in the tub for one hour, please don't disturb me for any reason". Sometimes men need to have it spelled out very clearly. Try that and see if you can't make some headway. I think there is a book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". While I don't agree with everything in the book, the advice it gives on dealing with men has certainly helped me.

I tell people I have two teenagers at home. I married one, and I'm raising one.

If I put it in that paradigm, it's easier to deal with ;).

LOL, you crack me up Cassie.

Likewise, dahling.

Thanks
 

thank you brandismom1990 and almeeker and the others who have given fantastic advice. I'm going to implement so many of your good suggestions. They all make so much sense. It really is hard sometimes to see something clearly when you're right in the middle of it. I usually think of the the "good stuff" to say or do after the opportunity has passed. With all of your help I think I can take a step back, have a deep cleansing breath, and manage my situation. Men really are just big self-absorbed teenagers, aren't they?

ok, here's a painfully funny note about what my hubby did. yesterday, i was upstairs on the computer, when he called me to go down fast because puppy needed to go out and he couldn't go with him. first time, i kinda ignored him, but then he insisted that i need to go fast, so, rushing down the stairs, i fell down, and hurt my tail bone so bad. since then, he's been so sorry and babysitting me so much. i'm still hurt, but kinda happy that he got scared and hopeflly not to call any of us downstairs like that. sounds childish i know, but ...

Yep. One other thing that is true about men is that they are "problem solvers", so if you need to vent about something a man will reply with "Do this, do that, now stop whining". Whereas a good girlfriend will say "Oh yeah? I agree! You're so right! Tell me more...." So when you need to vent, it's really best to call your best girlfriend, and leave the hubs out of it.

Aww I'm sorry you got hurt Farah, but at least your hubby is sorry and is more attentive now :D

Julia, so glad to hear you moved out! I really hope for you that this nasty woman will leave you alone now. Best of luck with the new roomie! And as Cassie said: take a deep breath - the worst is behind you :)

Just a quick vent
 

My husband has been very supportive in my weight loss journey, keeps me accountable for working out, comments when things fit better and is over all a positive partner when it comes to this. I do have one minor grievence though and I know there is nothing he can do to change it but I need to get my frustration out anyway.

We were discussing calorie intake and what not and decided to see what he would need to maintain his curent body weight (this was a week ago monday) he is 6'3" and weight 158 pounds. He is a contractor by trade so I understand this is a very physical job and put in his fitness level at the highest it could be, it told me he would need 3400 calories a day to maintain his current weight. During the past week I have logged everything he has eaten as best I can, it averaged about 5200 calories a day. Now just so you all know this was not all junk, he eats fairly well he just has enormous portions of everything. Not to say that he doesn't eat crap he does, but for the most part it wasn't. He was at the doctors about 2 months ago and cholesterol,BP and everything else was fine.

I was already annoyed enough that he can eat that many calories with no side effects so you can imagine how pissed ( but in a good spirited way) I was when he hopped on the scales today and he has lost 4 pounds!!!!

All I can say is I wish I had that mans metabolism and that is my rant for this afternoon!!


Andrea