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Old 06-18-2010, 10:09 PM
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Speedy, repeat after me "My ex is a mangy dog, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darnit I deserve a man much better than him". It's not you honey, it's him. Some people flat out don't know a good thing when it's staring them in the face, he's not worth all this grief, especially since he's too stupid to see the beautiful woman that you are, and feels the need to tuck tail and run. True love doesn't hurt, it shines and it grows and it makes other people nauseous, but it doesn't beat you down and it's not abusive. I know your heart doesn't want to hear this, because clearly he sometimes seems like the real thing, but cut bait honey, he's not worth the trouble to reel in. I'm thinking you need a yoga class, or maybe martial arts? Something that builds self esteem and makes you stronger both inside and out.

egmdobbs, I'm cracking up that you called me "hardcore". I really didn't start out that way, and I think day to day I probably wouldn't seem hardcore to most people. Breakfast at our house is continental-ish most days, except on the weekends, because I just might cook. I usually make a salad for myself at lunch and feed the kids whatever they are hungry for, but at dinner we all eat pretty much the same thing, although I usually skip the bun/bread. I started off with baby steps, getting rid of one bad habit at a time, adding in good habits one at a time and slowly building up my workout. I think I've been at this pretty seriously now since the day after Christmas, so almost 6 months. Most of the time I feel like I could do this for the rest of my life, but the last few days have been really hard, so I know for a fact that it doesn't come easily and that I still have to work at it. For me figuring out the protein thing became critical when I hit a plateau doing what I already knew how to do, which was calorie restriction and exercise. I'm also a textbook example of a carbaholic, which I think is the basis of my obesity. Once I understood proteins and carbs better, it really helped me form habits for a thinner me, and I think for anyone to lose weight and stay that way, finding those thinner habits is essential.

Patti, glad to hear your shoulder is feeling better. Mine is too, although I still wake up and go to bed sore, the bulk of the day is tolerable. I'm still noticing a bit of weakness in that arm, but I'm going to ease back into weight training in maybe another week or two and see if I can't even things out a bit.

skinny, You're so sweet, that is about the nicest thing anybody has said to me in quite a while!!! ROCKSTAR!!! Ha! I wish, nope I'm still sort of chunky (5'-2" so still 35 pounds overweight) and too old to be on Idol, and although I can carry a tune, I have what you might call a "hillbilly" voice. Which is hilarious given the music I favor, I'm all about rock, alternative rock, blues, gospel, jazz, classical, anything piano, anything with heavy raunchy guitar, but not a single country western album in the heap! But I can wail, croon and yodel right along with any of the country western singers - no problem. It's sort of sad that I just don't get into the music. I'm cracking up over you walking in the gay pride parade, not that it's funny that you're doing it. I used to live near Ypsilanti MI, where the gay pride parade is on St. Patty's Day, it's called "The Pink Flamingo". Why, I'm not sure. Anyhoo, all the local gay and gay friendly folk take great pride in their pink flamingo costumes, and I've helped make more than one. A good friend of mine, who is a very very large woman, has one of the best. Her's is yards and yards and yards of pink netting, ruffled and sewn on to a gigantic pink satin jacket. She's maybe 450 pounds and the suit adds several feet to her already substantial diameter, and once she puts her flamingo head hat on, she is a float. So I'm laughing because I'm just picturing you trying to fill out her suit. You just ain't fat enough to do that suit justice, honey.

I just have to say that I feel sooo very fortunate to have stumbled on this site!!! The last several days have been vicious difficult. Aunt Flo's arrival is pending, and I can't keep my face out of the carbs. Yesterday's cals were COMPLETELY OTT. I was over budget by 1,000 caloies, which is not usual for me, unless I'm out of town on vacation and have given myself permission to go off plan for a day (or 3). But something snapped yesterday and all I did was eat. The day started off okay, but I over did lunch a little, then dinner was a snack before we left for the swim meet, then I ate another snack at the meet, and another after we got home. That 5-6 meal thing is NOT for me. I need to stick to 3 squares plus an afternoon snack. Well I gotta go.
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Old 06-18-2010, 11:15 PM
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Speedy, buy another doormat that doesn't say welcome. It's not just that, that is the type of man that he is, but it is unfortunate that he is using you and that means that you are allowing yourself to be used by him. You got to stop it and what if you neeever find someone again, which I think you will, do you want to remain in this revolving door relationship? You have to take this on just like you have taken on the weight loss, with strength and courage and do you have the opportunity to meet other friends either male or female that you could enjjoy some of the same things with? AND, most importantly, have you forgotten the bad times whatever they were because I am coming in on the tailend of this.

Chris, I use the 50% carb, 30% protein and 20% good fats eating program based on my body type. First, I think you might need to know what a carb is, especially since your friend informed you that fruit does not metabolize well in us overweight, OK, obese folks. A carb is a fruit, veggie, or whole grain. Those are the complex carbs. Your simple ones are all the tose's, like sugar. It also includes all your refined white flours and that is how most people think of carbs as only being white rice or pasta or crackers or things of that nature. It is the simple carbs that should be avoided, but I don't totally restrict myself from them because if there is a birthday party, I might want a piece of cake or a saltine or two with my home made healthy chile.

So anyway, back on point. It is also good to know how these three different types of foods are digested. fats and sugars are metabolized the fastest and depending on the body's needs will be eliminated or added to stored fat. The latter is most likely to happen. And it only takes about one calorie of body energy to metabolize fat, so the total calories for the food are either stored or sent threw the "sewer" system.

Before I go any further, let me tell you how many calories are in a gram of each, carbs and protein--four and fats--9. Scientists think now that with carbs it may be closer to three and with fats it might be closer to eleven. So, if you are eating 20 grams of fat in something, then that is 180 cals. Now that brings me to another subject. Suppose those were chip calories that you ate. How full does a serving and a third or so make you, but if you had eaten the same amount of grams in carbs or protein, you would have had a much larger serving and your stomach would feel much more satiated. If it had been just about any cooked veggie, that would have been two cups or over-which visually is about half of a plate. Also your stomach would stay satiated for longer and not hunger, why, because we said that it takes longer to metabolize carbs and protein, thereby emptying your stomach much slower.

For the body to metabolize a 100 cals or fruits or vegetables, it's usually about 24% in calories used, so the actual intake would be only 76 cals. You may have heard this referred to as the negative calorie diet. That is totally misleading. There is no food that can cancel itself out. But there are differences in the three different types of carbs and what they do for your body and how they are used. The fruits help with flushing. The veggies so something else which I can't remember right now and the grains usually with their either soluble or insoluble fiber can do at least two things. It is the soluble fiber that when you put water in it turns into a gel as with oatmeal that helps to bring down cholesterol and other things. It is the insoluble that sucks up fluid within the track and bulks up fecal matter to help with excreting toxins and wastes. (Believe me, I just researched this section, due to a really, really personal problem and by the way, I am back normal, yay!)

I hope I have been correct in the info that I have given to you. For me, I eat most of the time at least two fruits a day and three veggies, but it is not written in stone for me. I eat about five times a day, which in the past, I could not accomplish because I just didn't have it here because I didn't know how to plan it. With the use of mypyramid.com that has been possible. Don't think, I am a know-it-all, because I am not. I may have some knowledge but the mind knowledge connection hasn't been strong until this week. Ladies, I haven't cheated once since this week started. Haven't quit smoking yet, and what does that tell you, knowing what we know about that, but I am trying.

And, lastly, I plugged in many weights on that site and the lowest it will go is 2000 on your weight loss plan, but if you look to the right you will see where you can see the set up for any amount of calories that you want to eat per day. I forget how it is worded but it will tell you what to eat from each of the food groups. You just have to peruse the site a litte.

And finally in answer to your friend, writing this gave me time to think about it. When we eat simple carbs, whether sugar or flour because it turns to sugar in our systems, too, it causes sugar spikes in our bodies, followed by lows when the body craves more sugar. Now remotely what the article he was referring to could have pertained to that. Yes, fruits do have sugar and the dried ones are definitely packed with it; however, eating an apple is less sugar than an oreo or chocolate chip cookie. an apple will not cause your sugar to spike by much and let me preface this by saying I am not a medical expert because diabetics are supposed to eat fruit or something with sugar in it when they measure low, but I believe it is a more gradual raising than cookies and who eats one cookie or a skinny slice of cake? This is what causes spikes and the lows and the cravings for more. When you eat an apple, do you after a short time want another one, no because it is a complex carb and hasn't metabolized yet. I think, and I stress think, if you like fruit, you might want to stretch them out, but for me, I wouldn't cut them out. You have to make your diet not so much a restrictive one, but one you can enjoy and live with for the rest of your life as dobbs was saying. She and I are dieting similarly, I think. I don't use the pyramid as much now, but it was a good learning tool.

Last edited by Jaybrodz; 06-19-2010 at 12:01 AM.
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Old 06-19-2010, 04:32 AM
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Speedy - (not at you, at him) - here's something that scared the shit out of me enough for me to finally DUMP my loser husband (several moons ago... and probably a few lifetimes)... WHAT IF WHILE YOU'RE TAKING HIS CRAP, MR. PERFECT IS WALKING ON BY!? What if there is someone in your life just waiting for you to have the guts enough to stop abusing yourself with this relationship? What if he decides he just can't wait for you, or worse - he just can't stand around and watch you in so much pain...
WHAT IF?
You already KNOW what happens with this ass, now find out what happens WITHOUT HIM! Your story has a quite a few chapters left... make some room for some new characters!
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Old 06-19-2010, 04:41 AM
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Originally Posted by almeeker View Post

skinny, You're so sweet, that is about the nicest thing anybody has said to me in quite a while!!! ROCKSTAR!!! Ha! I wish, nope I'm still sort of chunky (5'-2" so still 35 pounds overweight) and too old to be on Idol, and although I can carry a tune, I have what you might call a "hillbilly" voice. Which is hilarious given the music I favor, I'm all about rock, alternative rock, blues, gospel, jazz, classical, anything piano, anything with heavy raunchy guitar, but not a single country western album in the heap! But I can wail, croon and yodel right along with any of the country western singers - no problem. It's sort of sad that I just don't get into the music. I'm cracking up over you walking in the gay pride parade, not that it's funny that you're doing it. I used to live near Ypsilanti MI, where the gay pride parade is on St. Patty's Day, it's called "The Pink Flamingo". Why, I'm not sure. Anyhoo, all the local gay and gay friendly folk take great pride in their pink flamingo costumes, and I've helped make more than one. A good friend of mine, who is a very very large woman, has one of the best. Her's is yards and yards and yards of pink netting, ruffled and sewn on to a gigantic pink satin jacket. She's maybe 450 pounds and the suit adds several feet to her already substantial diameter, and once she puts her flamingo head hat on, she is a float. So I'm laughing because I'm just picturing you trying to fill out her suit. You just ain't fat enough to do that suit justice, honey.
OMG I wanna be a FAT FLAMINGO! I'll take tons of pics and put them on my Blog... I got a tank top that says, "DON'T H8 ME." For Proposition 8, which is the Ban on Gay Marriage here in Cali... supposedly the most liberal state (ppppssshh). My kids have t-shirts that say, "I <3 my mommies." Pride is a HUGE deal for our family. Most of our friends have kids, so they get to see a lot of children with 2 moms, but this is like, TWO MOM/TWO DAD central! My DH actually was interviewed by the Sacramento Bee last year, for saying that Prop 8 was dumb and that she is very happy having 2 moms... so proud of my babies.
I didn't workout today - but I'm not trippin' since I only ate maybe 800 calories. Just was too dangin' hot. Take care everyone, have a great weekend!
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Old 06-19-2010, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by SkinnyErinn View Post
OMG I wanna be a FAT FLAMINGO! I'll take tons of pics and put them on my Blog... I got a tank top that says, "DON'T H8 ME." For Proposition 8, which is the Ban on Gay Marriage here in Cali... supposedly the most liberal state (ppppssshh). My kids have t-shirts that say, "I <3 my mommies." Pride is a HUGE deal for our family. Most of our friends have kids, so they get to see a lot of children with 2 moms, but this is like, TWO MOM/TWO DAD central! My DH actually was interviewed by the Sacramento Bee last year, for saying that Prop 8 was dumb and that she is very happy having 2 moms... so proud of my babies.
I didn't workout today - but I'm not trippin' since I only ate maybe 800 calories. Just was too dangin' hot. Take care everyone, have a great weekend!
Pink flamingos must be one of those universal gay favorites like Cher, Grease and that "We Are Family" song. Nobody can explain it, but there it is all the same. Well, you have fun at the gay pride parade, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but in my friends' costume you would look like a FLAT flamingo. Maybe you could make your own pink flamingo suit and start a new trend next year? And BTW 800 calories is way too low, so go eat something very cold, maybe a homemade fruit smoothie or a frozen protein shake.
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Old 06-19-2010, 02:09 PM
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almeeker, jay, & skinny. thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I know in my head that what you said is true and I want so much to have that strength. You are right in that while I'm focused on him and that old life, I may be missing out on someone as I'm not open to the possibility of finding someone new.

thanks for making me laugh with the pink flamingo costume, it is great that you are trying to make a difference. with so many children in difficult situations, it should not matter as long as they are loved.

jay- thanks for the info on the carbs. I did the protein diet a few years ago and lost weight, but was unable to sustain that lifestyle, but am using that knowledge now to combine carbs and how they effect the hunger/blood sugar cycle. I have been incorporating a lot of veggies and at least one fruit a day (usually as a snack) and cutting back on white bread and using whole grains to get my carbs. I do eat potatoes in small quantities as they are a good source of potassium which I seem to be low in. I have increased my protein and seem to be doing better on stabilizing my hunger.

well- going to go shopping with my girlfriend today and get back to my life.
again, thanks for being there for me, so glad I found this site and you guys.
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Old 06-19-2010, 03:14 PM
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Speedy, I'm glad to hear you are out with a girlfriend. Hopefully she is good at building you up I'm really sorry times are so rough, I'm thinking of you and sending you strength to be able to say "No." Everyone else had great advice so I can't add anything else of significance. Feel the power of being able to say "No" to him. You can even practice, it might feel good! You won't be missing anything thats of true value to your being when he is out of your life.

Jay, thanks for the info on the carbs vs fats and calories in them per gram. I've got to check out the mypyramid site. I spend so much time looking at websites about food/fittness/people's personal lives, that I feel like I'm a bit of an addict. So adding on one more site might be dangerous to whatever productivity I've got going for me. haha.

I never weight to WeightWatchers this week. So I don't know what I weigh. I'm kind of relieved to get a break from it and to try and just go by how I think I'm doing. Then I'll go back next week.

Almeeker, I just had a super weak moment myself, eating 10 chewy chips ahoy cookies. I'm at my boyfriend's place and he doesn't have a "safe" kitchen. I ate that and kashi go-lean for breakfast and a 90 calorie fiber one bar. I'm all carbs so far today. However, this week Monday- Friday at 7pm I was great and I was sooo proud of myself.

Erinn, have fun in the pride parade!!! I'm happy you have got so much pride and I hope it spreads! Providence, RI has their pride parade this weekend too. Looking forward to seeing photos on your blog

Ok, I'm going to go and do some lunges and squats.
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Old 06-19-2010, 05:12 PM
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Well I am a little disgruntled this morning but let me correct one thing I think I said in the previous post, fructose comes from fruits and is not from refined sugar. Also let me add that those diets that were low carb at first, were almost totally carb restrictive, meaning the good carbs, such as fruits, whole grains and veggies. Then they realized that these carbs, the complex ones were needed for the diet, meaning the way one eats, not being on one and added them in small quantities. So, that is all that I have to say about that, except that I eat potatoes too; although, not very often. I have had four on my cabinet for quite awhile and will have to use them.I also eat spaghetti--white spaghetti. I haven't tried the whole grain kind yet. When I run out, I will try it.

Now, what I am on here for, I am so mad this morning. Well I am not really mad as I am perturbered. I got on the scale and weighed 250.8. That is a pound up. OK, I cheated last night--had a bunch of chips, that I keep around for home made turkey burgers that I froze to have for an easy meal and I don't even think about them. I had some light sour cream, which had molded before it's expiration date, so I used unflavored yogurt and garlic and onion as a dip. It was tasty, so I expected a gain, but I hadn't been weighing myself and I thought I would have been lower to begin with. On Wednesday I was down to 246.8, but I had no appetite or energy to cook on the previous day, so all I ate was fruit. I knew it would go back up. I was out on Thursday, I think it was and I had a happy meal which was 550 cals, but with what I know about food, I should have never done that regardless of the normal cal range, fat is usually stored in the digestive process.

So, anyway, what am I mad about--I think I am winding down now--I have kept my intake too high all week, but I knew I would have to go through this to see what my level would be to loses. I've been eating about eighteen hundred a day. Some days are sixteen and some are two thousand. Now, I know I need to lower it. I mentioned in one post on another forum that it was sixteen, but I forgot. That is what I am going to start with today and I guess I better start weighing myself each day like I was doing so I don't get anymore shocks. Had I weighed myself yesterday or Friday, I could have caught this earlier. I was so proud of myself for the not eating late at night or even having a snack sometimes after dinner all week, except for last night's slip up, which really doesn't bother me.

But the good thing is that I have labs this week, which I will have to get up very early for and beat the older folks in line. It opens up at seven fifteen and if you get there at seven thirty there are already ten people ahead of you waiting. I am curious to see what my low and high cholesterol readings are and my tryglycerides. I also want to see what my glucose reading are. They were good before, but I am hoping that they are better. That will give me even more encouragement.

Oh and by the way, since I sort of cleansed my body with all that fruit that it wasn't used to, my cigarettes have been giving me headaches and I am coughing up phlegm. The other day, I thought that this reaction to them would make me quit and I am sure it will. I no longer get pleasure from them and my brain doesn't react to them in the same way. It is as if it doesn't even receive the message that I am smoking. What does happen when I hold back from one is a hunger craving in the stomach. If you haven't figured it out yet, I am a very analytical person and so I have to find my own way to jump this hurdle. It is sucking more when I smoke. I just have to get my mind and heart to believe that. I get a headache like a first time smoker.

OK, now for the opening up part. I don't know if I can explain this easily. Some have touched on it but I think this is what is personally holding me back. I like who I am at this weight. I know. A lot of people say that, but you don't know what I have been through to get here. In short when I "lost" my legs, I lost my family. I had to fend for myself, with a myriad of terrible roommates for a couple years and finally after three years, I couldn't take it anymore and with the help of a dear friend who, after I completed the thirty day in hospital therapy, went with me to every out patient one. We caught the handicapped bus together. I had a long hallway and I learned to walk inside without a cane there.

Anyway, and this is the short version, I won't go through what I went through with my husband and how the marriage wasn't working before the disability, how both my parents were dying before and my dad died just before I was disabled and mom died while I was in the hospital. Let's just say life sucked and I was drinking, when I drank, too much. I was holding down the job as First Sergeant and Ops Sergeant both of which I knew very little about and had never been in a deployable company before. I needed my husband's support and sought it, but all he said was something like you are smart, you will do good or something. He didn't mean it sarcastically, I'm sure he meant it as a compliment, but I was inundated with responsibility.

So back to the traumatic experience and the loss of everything. I finally, finally learned to walk and the first thing I wanted to know was how much I weighed and I weighed 233 with my legs on, which would be equal to 253, so I had put on the equivalent of 90 pounds put on in the three years of sitting in the chair and let me interject this in, my poor roommate while in the hospital had to endure a terrible time with me. After a walk with the crutches, I would make a fast break to the bathroom and I wouldn't have time to shut the door. I mean massive amounts of you know what would come out because of the exercise. I had literally been savng it for years. It was truly gross and she would say, "That's all right, honey, let it out." We later became friends and still are.

So anyway, why I am divulging all this is to say, I am comfortable with who I am today, weight and all, even though my legs were my crowning glory. They were long lithe and I kind of strolled into a room and I must admit when I was dressed for it, I grew to like the attention, but never let it show, nor did I do that all the time. It was only when I went out to a club on a date or whatever. On a normal day at work, I never worried about it. I wore a ponytail and no makeup. To me that wasn't what soldiering was about but I had a colleague that wore it to PT. Now can you imagine running with makeup on or doing pushups. Ugh! Boy did she get on my nerves.

I thought when I learned to walk, and even further got a license and a vehicle outfitted for me, I would take the weight off, but it didn't happen, I went up in weight. I was still embarassed to be disabled. I never went on post for fear of running into another soldier that knew me. I spent high dollars at Safeway shopping when I could have been saving at the commissary at either the base or the fort. So the first time the weight went to 278 and then I got the roommate from hell and I don't cuss, so you know that is where he was from and my weight dropped to 208 plus the twenty in both cases for the loss of legs. You have got to keep that in mind when I mention weight.

I got rid of him and my appetite came back and in January 2005, my weight had ballooned again to 293 and just over, which really meant that I was over 300, had I legs. I don't even know if my prosthetics were able to carry that much. I was ready to go back to church yet again and I had absolutely nothing to wear. All my measurements were the same. I got that down to 247, because my daughter who had come back home was leaving and I don't know if I was depressed or what but it kind of just came off. I wasn't dieting but I wasn't eating as much and I definitely wasn't eating right as I raaaaaaaaaarely cooked. She left and it came right back. The thing I didn't want to happen, happened and I was OK with it, so I got my appetite back--a word to Speedy, it's not the same thing, but you catch my drift, you do get over it.

I forget how much I went up to but I had to get down for my son's wedding in May of 2007 and got down to 247. Does anybody see a trend here. People again told me how good I looked. Afterward I eventually made it up to 283.5 and in January of 2009 sor of decided to take it off but wanted to take it off without "dieting" if that makes any sense. I wanted to find a healthy way of eating all the way around, but yet again here I am in the same range and I am stuck, which brings me to my point. Diet aside, I am happy here with the way I look and who I am after my past hurdles. Plus, and dare I say this because it definitely sounds vain in my head, I like the compliments that people give me when they do find out that I am an amputee. One day last spring/summer, I had to go to the VA pharmacy and I had on cropped pants and my legs weren't covered and I got compliments from everywhere on my ease of moverment. It was the first time I had ever done that in public and it made me feel good. And in my mind, I think that they are also thinking, she is large and she walks well. When I don't let them show, people don't know I am an amputee, unless I am tired or I sit and the tops of the prosthetics protrude at the knee through the pants. These are my "long legs" complements. I enjoy them.
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Old 06-19-2010, 05:13 PM
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Cont'

I think I have related this all correctly and I hope that I have not left you with the wrong impression, but I think my problem is the exact opposite of many of you and that is that I am quite comfortable. My kids do not refer to me as being disabled and do not treat me that way. When moving furniture, I move it. I just have to figure out new ways and have to push instead of pull as I have no traction and they have come out with those pad thingies that slide. My daughter says that I am not fat. She just doesn't see me that way. My son told his brother that I lost a hundred pounds. It's been awhile since we saw each other and it's not that much, even nearly. When I am clothed, I don't perceive myself as being that way, so that plays into it als0. I am about a size 18WT. I had to shock myself this morning by looking sans clothing in the mirror and it is all there, so I know I need to lose the weight. I know for healthful reasons;although, I have no health issues now, it will be good for me and with the type of person that I am, I can survive without the compliments, but I have got to get past this 240's issue, where I actually have a shape and am saying to myself, I don't look too bad at this weight.

I know when I go down further, it will only get better, but I have got to get over this complacency and feeling of adequacy. It is not being overly prideful as I have never been that way or arrogant. I, as I reached my thirties, became comfortable in my body and I gues that has transcended to read in my mind, almost, however it has a tendency to be. I guess I am saying that having a sense of good self esteem can hurt you or at least me in this case of trying to lose weight.

Not venting. I just needed to get my thoughts on paper and it allows me to think things through. Thanks for listening and I wanted you all to know that Jaynie doesn't sit on her pedistal handing out advise. I'm not perfect. I have been there and I am no peach to live with. I've been married twice and in the first marriage, boy could I hold a grudge over simple stuff. I did introspection between marriage and changed and then what happened, I married myself from my first marriage. My seccond husband would get mad at something, Lord if I knew what, and spend the weekend in HIS room, because that is what it became. I would sleep in a recliner. Even the kids saw it, well my kids noticed it. DS, my son that I am dieting with, is his son, but we have remained mom and son, just says Dad spent a lot of time in his room. I don't talk about him because I know that was be a bad thing to do but I do listen if he has anything to say. His dad wouldn't speak to him for years because he cosigned a car and DS couldn't make the payments. He reposessed it, which I would have done and would have been angry too but to not speak to your own DS for a couple years because of it. DS, doesn't know I know that because my other DS told me about it. Even thought they are not blood brothers, they are very close. First DS has a bio DS, which I am not close to and neither is he. DS has tried to call his DB a few times but his DB doesn't return the effort. I had his DB out here in 2001 to try to repair our relationship but it didn't work out. He told me why he didn't like me and it was simply because of how I looked and as he put it that I was smart, smarter than he and that ticked him off. Neither of the DB's had respected their mother and mom's sent her DS, my DS, the one I am dieting with a birthday card with the wrong year on it. I know for a fact that has hurt him. What kind of mother forgets how old her own DS is and she hasn't contacted me in years. He laid me out about six months ago about not doing anything about his DF beating the heck out of him while disciplining him. It was a phone call; I couldn't get a word in edgewise. He said a lot of nasty things and then it became a personal attack on me. Well I finally sent him an email explaining why I didn't know about it. DH, no let's just say H would take him elsewhere to do it. How could I know. He knew that, but he had to let his anger out on someone and because I listen, it was me. I saw my H punch elde DSt and threatened to call the MP's if he did it again, so I guess he made sure I never did. Personally, I thought H was manic-depressent and that is not a put down on those that suffer from mental illness because it is just a chemical imbalance as I have it, but it doesn't impact my life as I stay on my meds. I suggested it once and you should have seen the rage that enveloped his face and neck, but he controlled it just as he controlled his world around him. He found he couldn't control me, so here I sit today and Speedy there are just some things I will always love about him, but do I want him back in my life, in the topsy turvy world that I was in way, no! My life was miserable. He would belittle me or berate me in an argument and I would laugh it off. It truly didn't hurt because I knew I wasn't this or that or if I was busy, I would tell him to freak off but the harsher word and he would say you can't cuss me. And at the time, it was my pre Christian days, I knew I could do anything I wanted because I worked, the same job as him, took care of home, paid my bills, etc... His first wife had been a stay at home mom. I didn't have time for arguing nor did I like it. I've said before on here what I desire from someone my age, so I won't go into it, but I was looking for an adult relationship, so to speak. I had another child to raise that held grudges against me and the kids suffered because they didn't see him for a weekend and he would come out afterward, all grins and haha as if nothing had occurred. Something was wrong there.

These thoughts don't sit with me daily and I only bring them up because I want you to know that I have been there too and I can empathize, but if you tie all this together, being comfortably and my last marriage, as my first DH and I are not friends, but if he needs something for a job, he will email me and I have no problem with that, I love him as a little brother. He was two years younger. That's another story because I didn't know it. But anyway, tie in the convertability with the experices I had with H and you can see why I just don't want to be bothered. He presented himself well while dating but then the gremlin came out after we were married and had I not been a strong woman, I would have truly have lost my sanity. Do you know that H's first wife was bipolar also. She was hospitalized for a year and H never visited her once. Had I known that I would have never married him. What kind of man does that. I found that out because I am very close with his SIL. We loved each other the moment we meant and jsut talked and talked although she is twenty years older than me, you would never know it.

I feel that after all I have overcome, I need a push or maybe a prod to keep going. I have never been a perfect person or a hundred percenter. I probably only operate at eighty percent most of the time and that would open up another story but Erinn, my sis is like a mini your DM. When she is enraged, she can say some mean and spiteful things and I just let them roll off but sometimes if I want some entertainment, I might respond back. She won't speak or answer my emails for a few days. Well you catch my drift. But she is Miss Perfection and I made the mistake of saying that I wish I had someone to look up to and she said something like you don't look up to me. I was thinking no, but I said something like in a relaitonship, I meant to say, so I didn't hurt her feelings. She's the last person that I would want to look up to or be like. She's about as narcisistic as one can get. I look good, Don't I look good in this picture. Doesn't my furniture look good this way. Keep in mind I am getting tens of tens of pix each time she does this.

So, anyway, all this is probably why I have reached a mental plateau for where I am at, yet again. But the good thing is that I have maintained this weight fairly well for a year and didn't go back up, but that says something in itself.

BTW copy your long entries before submitting incase it goes out and you can just paste it right back in once you get back to the forum. No need to go outside to a word program.
Jaybrodz is offline  
Old 06-20-2010, 02:42 PM
  #90  
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jaynie- thanks so much for sharing and I'm trying to be strong, but dont' know how to get off this roller coaster ride. when we are together things are so wonderful that I forget the hurt or believe that this time will be different and I want my old life back so much that i can't envision a life without him. I need to start seeing myself without him and not just existing til he decides to come back. and then I get so upset with myself because at this point if he called, i would be right back. It wasn't always like this we had four and a half wonderful years where we were best friends and I just don't understand this side of him. maybe that is my problem, I keep seeing the old him and not the way he is now for whatever reason and I keep making excuses to rationalize his behavior. I have to move forward and start making new friends and let go of the past and that life- start a new chapter as skinny put it
speedyfair is offline  

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