When people make you feel worthless...

Old 04-03-2011, 09:53 PM
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Warning - slightly religious content

Crimpet, you live in turkey, that's a Muslim country, so let me remind you a few things. The status of mother in Islam is very treasured. In fact, it has been said that 'Paradise lie at mother's feet'. You have your husband, your children, you keep your family happy and take good care of them. This is a big accomplishment, so many women don't even take care of their kids or house (creche take in babies from 6 months, hire cleaners are common), many a marriage breaks down, but you keep your husband happy, means you are a good wife and mother. That's not a small thing!

You are able to function in a country where most of us would have problems to read a shop sign. You go out, learn new things and a new language and take opportunity to learn an authentic thing in original enviroment. Turkey is the best place in the world to learn Turkish things

You have no need to feel less worth than those who made it through college. If I borrow words from a poet, you are like water that, when obstructed, finds a new path. Just because you choose other values, it doesn't mean that they are somewhat inferior. We are women, we are meant to be the ones who create homes, warmth, blow on boo-boos AND preserve handicraft.

(Author is a university drop-out herself, who swapped a Masters degree in teaching for being SAHM with 3 lovely kids)
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Old 04-04-2011, 03:58 AM
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Hello Muna-This is the only thing that helps me feel confidant about my parenting, what Islam says. (I am muslim btw lol) But it doesn't prevent me from being judged by my family who are still not Okay with the decission I had made to convert years ago. In fact, it lowered their opinion of me as a mother and person, and also caused them to start treating me with even less worth than before. So, I have a lot of emotional conflict on my plate because of trying to balance everything, as well as try to hold up my head. I just dont bring up my religion because I know everyone has a different view, and there are those who have unfortunately experienced the negative sides of people who have manipulated it to their own means. =( I do love the culture of Turkey, it is very very different from America, and has taken some major adjustments which I know most of my friends and family members couldn't adjust to without extreme difficulty. Mainly because it's a secular country with a predominantly muslim population, and they blend their cultural beliefs together with the religious. It's really beautiful.

I am very grateful to all of you for your words of wisdom, and it really has helped me to look in the mirror and see that little sparkle of confidance that's trying to come out.
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Old 04-04-2011, 04:22 AM
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It sounds like your family's reaction to you being "just a mother" and who you are as a person is really rooted in their feelings about your religious choice, and that they are using the other stuff as an excuse to castigate you on that. It is not who you are or what you do, it is the religious choice you made. Maybe they think if they make you feel bad enough, you will change back, or that they need to "punish" you for that. There are very few things that get people riled up as much as religion, and few things sadder than when someone can't accept someone else's choice. You need to follow your heart, as your self-esteem can't grow if you make choices based on what someone else wants. I think you're doing awesome; it is hard to keep on in the face of negativity.
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Old 04-05-2011, 01:11 PM
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Sometimes I feel like my family sees me as...not so much a "failure"...but not successful either if that makes any sense. I have no money, no house of my own, no possessions to speak of really. However, I feel like I have done a lot with my life.

I have spent 8 years as a foster parent and have adopted from the foster care system. I have several long lasting relationships with children that I have cared for over the years and have helped to raise. I have done charity work and have donated my time and talents to the church as well as the community. I have a Bachelor's Degree in criminal justice.

I have always loved the saying:

One Hundred Years from now
It will not matter
what kind of car I drove,
What kind of house I lived in,
how much money was in my bank account
nor what my clothes looked like.
But the world may be a better place because
I was important in the life of a child.

I feel THAT was my calling and I don't care that I do not have a big career and a big bank account to go with it. I know that the children I have cared for KNOW that I love them and care about them and will always be an advocate for them...if other's cannot see that, well that's their problem not mine. It DOES still hurt at times, but as someone else mentioned...that is ME letting it hurt me.
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Old 04-07-2011, 04:30 PM
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ReconMarineMom- Wow! What you have done is truly amazing. It's one of the best accomplishments anyone could achieve, and one of the best contributions to society. Helping a child not only helps them grow into a better person through the stability you offered, but also helps society by making the youth contribute to a better future because of the examples they were given. If your family can't be proud of that, then they are blind to what a wonderful person you are, and how brilliant the achievements are which you managed. You're the kind of person many should inspire to be, you set a wonderful example, and your family ought to be more than proud.
I do agree with you though, about it being Me letting it hurt me. I'm trying to make a good attitude adjustment, and in light of rescent events, I've been successful to far.

Everyone here is truly terrific.
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Old 04-08-2011, 09:58 PM
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I have just finished reading all the answers in this post. So many kind and wonderful people supporting each other, if only everyone were like this. When my son was getting married he spoke of how he would not have been standing there, a university graduate with a beautiful new bride if it hadn't been for his mother loving him, chastising him, pushing him, allowing him space but always being there for him. I was so very proud as I had got pregnant at 16 and although I married the father at 18 it didn't last and so I was a single mum to my 2 boys from the age of 20. Right up to that day I had always felt like a failure, I hadn't provided them with the "perfect family", I couldn't afford holidays or lots of toys at Christmas, I hadn't been able to spend as much time as I would have liked to because I was studying and then working to provide for them. My family were always supportive but I knew that I was a big disappointment, as the eldest they had huge plans for me and my younger sister did everything right, husband, house, child and career.
But that day, I looked at my wonderful son who is loved by many for his generous, open, funny, strong and compassionate character and accepted that I had done well. His brother is also a great guy and I had a hand in this, my life has been totally worthwhile for this alone. I would also like to say that those of you who have fostered kids have my deepest admiration, and all who try new things( including improving your health and mind) or savour new experiences, you are the people who are truly living.
Sorry for the ramble, sometimes when I start the blarney just kicks in. lol
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Old 04-09-2011, 06:43 AM
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Lizards- I know exactly what you mean. I felt, and still feel the same way, but when I see how sweet, respectful and considerate my daughters are I realize that may parents may think I failed, but they came out good girls so I must have been successful at something. lol My parents had been divorced, but they were disappointed I hadn't learned from their own mistakes. Sometimes we marry thinking it may truly work, and something goes wrong, we can't see the future. I was so very young, and thought I was making the right choice, only now can I see my fault, but I still don't regret it, nor do I see it as a mistake because I got my two babies out of it. There was a purpose. I agree with you Liz, I do wish everyone was able to be so supportive as all of you have been here with me. The world would be a better place ^_^ Sometimes it takes other people outside of our own personal family circle to point out our successes. The people we are family with usually have high expectations of us from birth, and pre-plan our path without realizing it...they just want the best, but they need to learn that just because we didn't do what THEY wanted doesn't mean we failed.
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Old 05-02-2011, 10:00 AM
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well i am 5'0 and 180lbs and i use to be like 120lbs before my kids,and my sister is 4'9 and like 103lbs and i have been working on loosing weight,so hard,than my membership got cancled,lack of money,and the first time i see her,she just completly calls me out on gainng weight back!! i feel so horrible and its hard when u have noone to workout with! i feel u!
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Old 05-03-2011, 12:56 PM
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Hey Crimpet... I'm having sibling issues too. Hard to work out how to cope, when different siblings take on strongly different explanations of the world and their place in it. Harder when the early dynamic was volatile - so many vulnerable and ever-hot buttons waiting to be pushed, even accidentally.

I've got two brothers. One has taken on a kind of hyper-macho, social darwinist Tony Robbins kind of view of himself. The way I see the world (I dunno, neo-marxist, existentialist) and my personality and life so far offends him, and speaks to early pains in both of us. From my POV, he hurts himself with it, too. Often I let things go. Sometimes I get angry and want to assert myself. I know the latter works to establish boundaries, but meets with anger and lack of understanding on his side. (He's got a temper, so that's actually kind of scary when it happens.) I don't see that I can change his mind on most things. I'm left with 1) cutting short any verbally abusive comments (by saying 'that's not acceptable', even leaving if necessary) and 2) getting on with my life the way I see fit. It sucks - I'd hoped for more family support (in the past year, have lost my job, ended a five-year relationship with a troubled person, and moved back home from abroad). So I've resigned myself to that, and am looking elsewhere for support, which everyone needs.

It sounds like you're working on things that will help heal. That's amazing. Keep trusting yourself.

Maybe in later years, all these feelings will mellow out... until then, stay strong.
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Old 05-04-2011, 09:15 PM
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Ahh, a place to vent!

I am sick and tired of the men on my ship! (Navy lady here) Ever since I've gotten on this forsaken hunk of iron I have been subjected to sexism in every degree possible and its driving me bonkers!

From the "Oh, you can only do one pull up? WEAK. And women want to be equal, pshaw. Try bieng equal in strength first HAHA!" and "Why do I have to do 30+ pushups for my physical evals but you only have to do 17? And you want to be treated the same as men! BAH!" "You must be weak, because when you get super angry you cry!"


"Oh you got married, you should go have kids or something and stay at home" and "You didn't take his last name? is he the B*tch then? Shouldn't it be you?"
People lost money on me prior to this deployment because I was at the head of an apparent betting pool on who would get pregnant!!

Men are built physically different than women! I do not have the same potential to gain muscle mass as even the smallest 90 pound male!
I was brought up that its "ok" to cry! When I get angry/frustrated, the tears leak out! Is this better or worse than punching a wall, I don't know!
I didn't take my husbands name because I LIKE my name!
I don't want to have children and stay at home! I want to work! He supports me, and obviously agrees with me or we wouldn't have married! I'll have kids if and when we damn well please!

The craziest thing is, when I first got on board this ship I was like the 5-7th female ever stationed here, and I never had this trouble. I was treated like a normal human bieng. This year there are over 50 girls on board, and the sexism has reallllllly gotten out of control.

Huff-Puff. Sorry about that! But its getting to the boiling point to me.
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