Spouse being 100% unsupportive
 

This is about my husband. It seems like no matter what, he will do everything and anything in his power to make sure I fail, whether it be throwing a tantrum because I'm eating less than he is, constantly griping about not having "real food" A.K.A junk and bad for you foods, which I do keep in the house for him, constantly whining that he wants pizza or chinese take out (which I told him he could get but NOOOO because I'm not having any he just whines more) or like today, saying I can't go to the movies with him unless I either get popcorn or nachos, neither of which I want, and saying if I want anything to drink I MUST get a regular soda and not my usual diet soda.

I've known him for a decade, and he's 28 years old for crying out loud!

I know he's upset that I am dieting and is probably not used to it but he's acting like a CHILD! I have yet to give in or cheat on my diet, I just feel as though it's a matter of time with all his constant complaining.

I have tried telling him I really want to lose this weight and I'm doing it for my health but he tries feeding me garbage about how this diet doesn't work, this one, and that one, lots of carbs and sat. fats are really good for you and how diet soda really makes you fatter, household scales aren't accurate, weighing your food is stupid, etc.
(please no one crucify me for the diet soda, I know how bad for me it is, no need to rub it in)

Ugh what do I do?

I don't even know what kind of diet your are on, but whether it is low-carb, high-carb, low-fat, high-fat, low-protein, or high-protein, you will find some forum on the internet where people say exactly the same things your husband says about 'that diet' and why it makes you fat. So, right off the bat, divorce the content of the message from whatever message your husband delivers. His whining is about something else.

I can give you a short easy method to rein in his barrage of criticism. Eating more calories than your body can 'burn' will make you fat. You can eat anything you want if you stay within a designated limit of calories. Unless your husband wants to back off, tell him that he can be in charge of weighing all the food you will put in your mouth and keeping a tally of your daily consumed calories.

If he doesn't want to do that, then tell him he's not willing to walk the walk, but you're tired of hearing him talk the talk. Tell him you need to control your calories and you can use his measuring and counting and reporting skills to do that. If he accepts this, it will shut him up fast and put him to work. Which should be fine for you. You WILL lose weight, then.

If he argues that it's not calories - it's something else that makes calories into something close to calories but not the really effective force that calories are - then he's got to pick a diet camp to squat in. If it's the 'calories don't count, carbs do' camp, let him help you eat 5,000 calories a day of saturated fat-laden red meat, steamed fish (no breading), or broiled chicken (no breading). You won't want to eat that many calories of such items, but you must - and you will appreciate the little bit of watery veggies you can be allowed. Don't forget to take the supplements you will need because your diet will be deficient in various vitamins and minerals (ask your doctor - he can give you a list).

But at 5,000 calories worth of protein and fat, you will gain weight. When you have gained that weight (remember, you have to stick to this diet every single day, which means you won't be socializing that much), then you and he can go on to the next diet.

Eat 5,000 calories worth of non-fat or low-fat items every day. It will taste better, because there will be more variety. But, 5,000 calories is 5,000 calories - every day, remember - and you will gain weight. Then you and he can go on to the next diet.

Eat 5,000 calories of vegetables, dairy, grains, fats and fruit. It's vegetarian, so there are a few vitamins you will be short (B12 comes to mind) but you will have to make an effort to get enough vegetable protein (soy and whey come to mind). Still, with 5,000 calories every day, you will gain weight.

Eventually, with your whiny husband keeping track, if you have eaten 5,000 calories worth of each diet, faithfully (no fair cutting calories!), you will realize you actually can eat all of those things in all those diets, together, but only X amount of calories as your daily limit. It can average out over 2 or 3 days, but it has to be within that limit - which you decide. If the limit is too high, lower the limit. You will lose weight.

This will shut your husband up because it will keep him busy. This will satisfy your goal of losing weight because you will lose weight.

Most important, you will have sabotaged your own goal of losing weight by eating too many calories (over the limit) of whatever some diet guru told you was safe to eat plenty of. When you see the consequences, you will join the ranks of all dieters who have tried the multitude of diets that people try to sell you (whether it's a book, or a bar, or a drink, or a prepared meal).

'Eat all you want!' is a sly way of saying, 'You can eat ALL you want because you won't want to eat much of this after a short while, yet you are prohibited from eating more than X amount of some other 'bad' food.... Don't be frustrated, it's all good.... You'll be able to eat more of the bad food later.... etc., etc.

Once you've self-sabotaged by ignoring calories, you won't make that mistake yourself again. By making your husband your chief counter and measurer, you make him a witness. He won't likely try to foist diet-speak on you again.

Why is it he is so unsupportive? At first I thought he could not have his foods, but to be controlling in telling you "no movies unless you pig out" strikes me that he is trying to be controlling over you. Is he afraid that if you do become more attractive, you might find some one else and move on. Is he afraid that he will lose his old wife and life. He feels comfortable eating like a 12 year old and not like the adult by now he should be. If he is at a normal weight, it is okay to eat outside the healthy norm if all with moderation. You need to have a very serious talk about these issues. Tell him you are not on a diet, you are just eating healthy because you care about your body. Good luck.

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Do you really want a partner who is so insecure he sabotages your goals? Don't waste any more time, admit you made a mistake and move on. The diet is the least of your problems. I've been there....

I was going to try to give a "guy's perspective", then I read RNJane's response and realize that what I was going to say, has been said.

I second Jane's reply. The person that Ember described is someone with issues that go way beyond food and diet. I am not in the Bliz405 camp....yet.... but a "very serious talk about these issues" is in order, followed possibly by third party counseling if you want to save the relationship. This isn't about eating.


<< EDIT: SO SORRY, I realized this was the Women's Only forum after I posted. I used the "New Posts" button and saw the message, didn't see which forum. Sorry for crashing the party, my mistake. >>

My body = I am the boss!

Dad: Glad you crashed. I agree completely. It's not about the food.

Dad- a guy's perspective is always welcome.

It's not fair, right? The struggle is hard enough even without additional obstacles. But we have to do what we have to do, and the playing field is never even, and some of us have to work harder.
I would just stop talking about this new lifestyle and focus on walking the walk for a while and see how it worked. I'd be watchful about what I put in my mouth but without the commentary (you say have not allowed him to change your choices yet - good!).
Looks like you are the one who cooks and shops for food - that gives you an advantage. Just calmly put on your plate only what you think should be there and don't allow yourself to be provoked or lassoed into a useless conversation about food. You have explained enough. When he puts something on your plate that should not be there - just leave it. Carry healthy things around with you so you can have them when you get hungry (and your willpower falters!) at the movies or wherever you are.
Just a thought.
A more serious consideration would be to look at similar behaviors in other parts of your life - is he trying to control other things? Does he try to restrict what you do? Why is he sabotaging something so obviously good for you? Do you feel angry, powerless or diminished by his behaviors? My musings might be a long stretch, brought by memories of workplace abuse I long ago experienced, but what you described got me thinking...

OHK. this might be harsh, but it's the truth. (dont worry, nothing about you).
My father is kind of like,him, only worse. When I'm with him, I HAVE to do what he says. if i fail, or refuse, he will scream in my face and choke me. which is the reason why i dont visit him. im not saying thats your husband. I'm saying you have what i didnt: You can stick up for yourself. if you havent already, you reallly need to get in his face.
Men like to be in control, so you need to show him he isnt the only alpha. Tell him that he doesnt know what he's talking about, that he doesnt go thru what you do. throw in meaningful things. Tell him whats bothering you AND YOU MUST YELL. this is a test of his reaction.
-if he yells back saying you're wrong, and all that basic shit, ask him that if he cant love you enough to support you, then why are you in this relationship. He doesnt want to love you; he wants to control you.
-if he serious gets aggressive, leave. i mean it. Throughout my childhood, i watched and got abused. better safe than sorry.
-If he understands.... YAY.
this might be over dramatic, but its my opinion.

Sounds like he is afraid he will lose you when you get to your goal weight and he is doing everything in his power to keep you unhealthy and overweight so he can feel more secure in his unhealthy choices. Stay firm in your commitment to become a healthier and more fit you and don't let his insecurities drag you back down into that deep pit of despair caused by bad choices. You deserve to be your own person and if he chooses to continue slowly killing himself then that is his choice. You have made the choice to truly live, be healthy and fit and enjoy life so stick to your guns and let him know that you will not support his bad decisions nor will you make bad decisions to keep him happy!!!

He sounds like a person with serious issues who thinks he can tell you what to do. I agree with maholias. It's time to lay the smack down. You are the boss of your body. Not him. He needs counseling. His behavior is unacceptable. I would seriously consider leaving someone who treated me like that.

Concern about being controled
 

Several people have suggested you leave him. That's a really hard thing to contemplate.
What you need to do is look at all the aspects of your relationship. Following is a list of the warning signs of an abusive relationship. Not every abuser exhibits ALL the signs. I am not saying your husband is abusive, but this is just something to think about. If you think he is, don't walk; run. Run as fast as you can.
Sorry, it's very long
Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund: Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

EXTREME JEALOUSY

Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may accuse the victim of flirting with someone else or having an affair.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

QUICK INVOLVEMENT

The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.

ISOLATION

The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.

BLAMES OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS

The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).

HYPERSENSITIVITY

An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN

The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry.

“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX

The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.

VERBAL ABUSE

The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.

RIGID SEX ROLES

The abuser believes in rigid gender roles and sees women as inferior to men and unable to have their own identity. They may see men as the “master of his castle”.

DR. JECKYL AND MR. HYDE

The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.

PAST BATTERING

The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.

THREATS OF VIOLENCE

This includes any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”

BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS

This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them.

ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT

The abuser may hold the victim down, restrain them from leaving the room, may push, shove, or hold them against a wall.

"The Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund is a non-profit corporation and was founded to honor the life of Lindsay Ann Burke, a 23 year old Rhode Island College graduate from North Kingstown, R.I. Lindsay was a compassionate, honest and trusting young woman who cared deeply for others. She was trying to break the cycle of violence when she was murdered. Lindsay was an education major and came from a family of educators. We believe she would want us to break the silence and work towards ending relationship violence through education. As such, this fund will support the prevention of relationship violence primarily through the education of teens, parents, educators, and the public."

Mine straight up told me 3 years ago that he didn't want me to lose weight because he thought that if I did men would start noticing me and he didn't want that. First, that's an insult because it made me feel like I wasn't pretty enough as I was. Second, it made me realize that I was in for a hard challenge anytime I put noticeable effort into weight loss. The first part has shown in his attitude towards me in the past 2 years-disinterest. The second part has been a constant struggle ever since.

I am thinking that you're on the same path, and I am concerned for you in regards to that. I really hope that you two can sit down and get to the root of why he's being this way. I admit, I didn't like hearing my husband say it, but having him admit it really helped me to see that it wasn't in my head, and that he had a problem.

Mine too also gave me guilt trips anytime I didn't eat what he wanted me to, including refusng to eat when we went out to get junk food. He said he felt guilty buying for himself, and only felt okay eating it if I joined him..even if I ate a salad it wasn't enough. He also tips the opposite side at times, where he will suddenly say "we should stop drinking sodas and such in such"...but it's usually for his own health because he knows I will keep him on track and he wants my support. It's never about my health.

The best way I've learned to deal with a selfish unsupportive husband is by keeping his knowlegdge very minimal in what I am doing. I wont exercise in front of him, weigh myself near him, eat around him most of the time, and when I have to I calorie count all day to accommodate for any bad meals I know he will definitely pressure me hard to eat (ones I cant avoid). My weakness is ice cream-he likes to drag in 3 gallons at a time. He claims its his favorite, but I notice 2 of them will be mine and 1 of them his. I finally got him to STOP bringing in my favorites and only his (because I don't like it as much) but he's convinced I love it. lol

The most important part is to talk to him. Find out what is making him behave that way. Is it control? Is it low self-esteem? Is it guilt? Once you figure that out, having your answers will sort of help you determine what you need to do- and how to deal with him. I really wish you the best. I know there are many of us here that completely understand what you're going through so you're not alone.

Uncooperative husband
 

Hello, I'm new on this board.
I have been low carbing on and off a few times.
I'm muslim, but don't cover. I'm a convert, by my choice.

My husband used to tempt me with certain foods, just recently we had a holiday gathering, where everyone was eating couscous and vegetables, so I just ate the veggies.
Anyway the first time I low carbed I lost 45 lbs. And was looking good, he has always been jealous, but I noticed he was more jealous then.
I can honestly say he has changed over the years, we've been married 21 years and he's still jealous but I know how to avoid this. I dress modestly, and this I learned from my religion.
I think this was more of an issue for him because he wanted me to be more modest, it's just how he was raised.

Also, I have a question, how long have you been married?

Sometimes people are so quick to call it quits!
Work on you problems, you'll thank yourself. Sometimes it's easier to give in on things that don't matter so much. Pick your fights.
;)
Stick to your diet, but find out what his underlying problem is!

Sounds like insecurity -- either he is mad that there is a part of your life he cannot influence, or that you will lose weight and leave him for another person. Either way, passive agressive whining is the least attractive thing a person can do.

It might be time to sit him down, explain he has no choice in what you do to your body, and that if he can't be supportive, he needs to suck it up and shut up.

Some people are so insecure, that when they cannot control the world around them, they have a temper tantrum and are suddenly reduced to toddlers. The only way to deal with a child is to stick to your guns, firmly, without yelling or negotiating.