My partner hates my body
 

Hi, I'm new here but I thought I'd jump on in. Today's been a particularly challenging day for me -- and what I've come away with is quite a lot of anger.

My partner of 5-1/2 years does not like my body. In fact, he dislikes it so much that he won't touch me; we haven't been intimate in all the time we've been together.

What hurts most of all is that he seems completely willing to give up this relationship if I'm not going to lose weight. AND he insists that I haven't tried, I don't want to (or I would have), I don't care about "us" because I haven't lost weight, and I'm not going to do it. This is where the anger comes in! I told him in no uncertain terms... he's NOT in my head, he has no idea what I'm thinking or if I want to or no, AND if I do it -- it's going to be for ME.

There. Breathe.

So now I have all this anger to contend with. And no, I haven't left him, but I'm definitely keeping one foot in and one foot out the door.

Does anyone else here have any experience with this? My guy loves his "adult" pictures, tells me I have a pretty face but... and he's no Adonis by the way. He says he can't work with someone who looks like me.

I've taken anti-depressants but went off them a few months ago because all they did was add another 20 pounds to me and they really didn't help at all. I'm an emotional eater from childhood, and I work on resisting that every day. I'm starting FitDay today in hopes of being able to better track my meals and log my activity, etc. I like how I can track my moods, too. I know it's all tied together. I'm also using Bodybuilding.com; I'm looking for inspiration and motivation and it's not going to come from being told I'm not attractive by the man I love. I have to see people actually accomplishing what I'd like to do -- even if I never achieve a bodybuilder's body (and I really don't want to), I want to get strong and toned and lean and healthy for ME and no one else.

Sorry for the long first post. I just needed to let out a big long breath and get started. :p

Whew. What's in this relationship - love? On his part? Is he helping your efforts to lose weight, when you make the effort, or does he make it more difficult? There's more to your relationship than just arguments about your weight (criticism), but no need to analyze that here (a helpful therapist would offer some insights). What is important is for you to realize that nothing changes unless you are in a position to make changes. If he's 'completely willing to give up the relationship,' then that's your handwritten invitation to leave the relationship yourself. When you are ready, you'll do that.

Fitday can help you in your efforts to lose weight and stay healthy. You can do that with or without him, Fitday doesn't care. It's just a tool, but an excellent tool!

This makes me sad for you (*hug*). That's abusive behavior, and you do not deserve it. I hope you have the resources to take care of yourself and do the right thing for you.

To answer your question Kathy, yeah there's love. Today he told me he wants to lose weight with me, which is a first. I said I like that idea and I'm going to encourage him to really work out a plan with me.

In the meantime, I had a GREAT day today. I couldn't believe it but I looked forward to working out and I did about an hour's worth of cardio and strength training. I feel like a million bucks. And not once did I think I was doing it for him. More, I was thinking how he might live to regret pushing me to get hot.

I do agree with you about the abusive behavior, hapababy. I'm working hard on my business so I can take care of myself, whether I stay or I go.

Thanks to both of you. *Hugs*

dc,

As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, my heart goes out to you. From what you've shared, it does not sound like he's in a healthy spot to love anyone. I'm trying not to be negative towards him, as I realize I don't know the whole story, but I don't understand why he would enter a romantic relationship with someone he is unwilling to touch. On top of that, regardless of your size or shape, a healthy and loving partner would never compare you to the women in "adult" pictures or other women in general! That behavior should definitely stop. I'm glad to hear that it sounds like you're reassessing your relationship with him, and I hope in the end you'll make whatever decision is healthiest for you.

In the meantime, congratulations on letting anger fuel a healthy goal instead of letting it tear you down! I'm relatively new to the forums on fitday, and so far everyone has been very supportive. I hope you find what you need here.

Stay strong!

Thanks, bumblebee. It's definitely been an eye-opener for me, one that's taken me a long time to get over. I wasn't always so positive. In fact, it's relatively new for me, this "positivity thing." I've just gotten to the point where I'm sick and tired of putting myself down and I believe that everything happens and everyone comes into your life for a reason. I beat my head against a wall for 5-1/2 years wondering what possible reason there was to "deserve" this relationship but now I think I see that it's because I'm learning self-acceptance and to care for myself. After years of being married (to another man), raising kids, and hating my body (even when I was slim), I think this guy's here to help me learn that I really am okay, no matter what anyone else thinks.

Were you intimate BEFORE you officially became partners? I was married 28 years before my husband passed away - and during that time I went up and down the scales. But I can't comprehend a 5 1/2 year period of no physical intimacy. Does he still do the little things? Hold hands, sit close, pat your fanny when he passes? Intimacy is more than sex, but complete withdrawal of any physical contact seems beyond the pale. How does he react when YOU do the nonsexual intimate things?

Some men think that when they've changed the oil in your car, taken out the garbage, don't fool around with others, the "guy" stuff, they've proven their love.

Do you really believe "think this guy's here to help me learn that I really am okay, no matter what anyone else thinks"? Maybe I'm reading what you wrote wrong.

Maybe she does, and if so, I think it can be a healthy thing. I think its far better to learn from a negative situation so that you don't end up repeating it again, than to simply get out of one bad situation and ending up in another because you never figured out how you got into the first one. That said, I wouldn't encourage anyone to stay in an unhealthy relationship that doesn't show any signs of improving, but only she can know that. There is a fine line between finding what good may come out of something and blinding oneself to what's actually going on.

You did bring up some really great points on intimacy. DC, I hope you consider what everyone has said and make a healthy decision for yourself. How are you doing?

Men like that make me sick. You deserve better than that. Not saying to do this but if it was me, I would do my damnedest to lose the weight and then after that I'd drop him like a bad habit. No REAL man would EVER put down their woman like that. Let alone not be intimate! I am so sorry. Men can be ASSES. Just hang in there. Don't do it for him. Do it for yourself.

Why on earth have you stayed with this person for so long ? You do deserve more...you don't need to lose the weight and THEN leave...where does that make sense ? This has not been a true loving relationship & doesn't appear to be what he wants at all. You should be loved & accepted for who you are. How many of us started out tiny and gained alot of weight over the years and still our spouses loved us both emotionally AND physically, you can not have a healthy realtionship any other way ! You must lose the weight because you want to for yourself. I feel so bad that you have put yourself through such a long unnecessary hardship with this person...you have invested so much in a very unhealthy relationship and gotten nothing back. It's ok to be by yourself..I know you may think you need him but you really don't. Take care of yourself first, if losing weight is an honest piority for YOU ( not him ! ) then start down that road..read everything..decide what diet eating plan is best for you & go for it. None of us are perfect and we've all had our problems along this bumpy road of losing weight..but just keep at it and you can do it. There is always help through this site as well as lots of other sites...I use this one, also Fatsecret, Atkins, MyfitnessPal....use whatever you can get your hands on for support, you'll find people do care and want to help.
In the end you have to do what you think is right for yourself...no one is judging you, we just want to let you know we care and want the best for you.
Good Luck

Conditional love isn't worth it...
 

If something as weak as weight gain can make this person leave you, he is NOT worth having in your life. What if your physical appearance was effected by something that couldn't be reversed or controlled? Excuse my bluntness sweetheart, but the love in your relationship sounds one-sided.:( He is as shallow as an adolescent boy, and I really don't see the point in you sticking around. There are plenty of men that are only attracted to slim women, but the love he was SUPPOSED to have developed for you over the five years you two have been together, is SUPPOSED to help him see past that. The way I see it is if you put down a fantastic book because the front cover got ripped and torn, there is no way you could've been enjoying the story. And frankly, he certainly doesn't deserve to be kept around for the happy ending.

My high school boyfriend did the same thing to me. He would stand over my shoulder while I would make myself something to eat and criticize me the entire time. He would tell me what I should and should not eat. He would also point out any physical flaws I had, even the non-weight related flaws. After he and I went to separate colleges, whenever I went to visit him (it was always me visiting him), he would be aloof and never introduce me to any of the friends he had made. I could tell that he was embarrassed by me. Then it came to the point where he broke up with me for being too fat and he wanted to see what sex was like with a thin girl. He actually said this to me. The thing is, I was only 180 pounds and I'm 5'8", so I really wasn't that big. After we broke up, I met my now husband who accepts me at any weight. I just had our second child three weeks ago and I'm sitting at 209 pounds. My husband still tells me that I'm sexy and beautiful. The point that I'm making to you is that this guy you're with is toxic. There is nothing about the way he treats you that is okay. Leave him behind and find someone who loves you exactly the way that you are, no matter what you weigh. Then lose the weight for yourself with real support.

DC,

This is going to sound harsh, but dump this guy. Men like that need to be alone, and don't even deserve to have you. Don't waste your love on him, no matter how much love you have for him. Love shouldn't feel like you are in deep water and you don't know how to swim. Let go of this anchor that is holding you back. I don't know how much he weighs, but losing him would be an instant weight loss! Your happiness is most important. I am glad you have one foot out the door, let the other one follow it. He's not worth any more effort.

Time to dump this loser.

Seriously --

If you gain another 100 pounds or lose 100 pounds, this guy would still be an emotionally abusive troll.

I seriously hope you have dumped him by now. My sister had a similar relationship for TWELVE years! Everyone was expecting them to get married but he said he would only marry her if she lost 30lbs. Shewas about 26 bmi so not that heavy. When she lost 20lbs he dumped her!!!!! He didn't really want her to get slim. Now she married a different guy who loves her and they have a beautiful baby girl together. There is a man out there who will love you just the way you are. Btw, he is with you for 5 years without being intimate? Biiiiiiiig red flag�� you deserve better than this.

DC, my heart goes out to you as I have been in a similar situation years ago. He said he would treat me better if I lost weight and lost weight I did; then he cheated on me. This happened not once, but twice. You are enough, you are great just as you are! You are a complete person! Giving yourself good nutrition will give you the fuel you need for your life. Take care of yourself through exercise to help you be strong. Lose weight for yourself and take care of yourself emotionally. I wish you the very best! Vicki

agree with you ! as woman we need love ourselves firs . how could a man say love you without respects ?

You tell him to go pound salt in his butt!!!! End of!

hmmm
 

I don't think I could spend romantic time with anyone that hated my body, and was that vocal about it.
I have felt enough self-loathing about my own body; I don't need to hear it from someone else.
If someone said things like that to me, I would never take my clothes off in front of them even if I lost weight. It would feel too much like humiliation and shame.

If this was me..first I would with no doubt kick him to the curb. He's probably stressing you out. He may have another so as well. Lose the weight, work on your emotional self, don't go back to the old stuff and move on. You are worth the changes and love yourself. If losing the weight gets tough, seek biatrics for faster safe outcome. Begin working out, at least walk and drink your water. You will meet others when you exercise or walk outside and in time you will be better.

DJ

It's impossible to love someone without loving the package they come in. Ever consider he might be gay? Whatever he is he's not normal, and is blaming you for it...