Having a hard time keeping my chin up..
03-31-2010, 12:32 AM
#1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 38
Having a hard time keeping my chin up..
Hey all...I hate to whine to a bunch of strangers, but my family is sooo sick of listening to me complain right now and I've got to get this crap out of my system so I can move on.
I've been fat for about five years now. Other than when I was pregnant, I'd never been particularly heavy before. I got fat in a big hurry (nearly 100 pounds in less than a year) and because of that found out I had thyroid cancer. I took the cancer diagnosis ok. I cried for about ten minutes and then I took action...found out what I need to do...what was going to happen...and did it...and got healthy again...just stayed fat.
Jump to a month ago. I finally realized that I could no longer blame the thyroid stuff for the size of my ass and decided to take some personal responsibility. I also realized that I really needed to get out of the bad habits I'd formed in order to start anew. I signed myself up for a Biggest Loseresque Fat Camp so I could get out of my house...away from my family and start learning to love eating healthy and exercising again (like I used to) instead of sitting on the couch and watching tv and eating chips and ice cream (like I'd been).
Fat camp was great. Healthy food agrees with me...so does exercise. I actually LOVE to exercise. Problem is, apparently FAT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T RUN OR DO JUMPING JACKS!!! I was supposed to be there for a month....stayed for less than 2 weeks...came home with a torn meniscus and a stress fracture in my left leg.
So now I'm side lined again in life. The doctor is telling me I can't put any weight on my left leg...at all...for at least 4 weeks. I'm hobbling around with a walker (which is a hell of an upper body workout). My family's trying to help...but well...there's stuff that needs to be done that they just don't see.
I'm frustrated and depressed and discouraged. I don't want to give up...but there is a part of me that wants to say, "screw it" and go back to sitting on the couch eating chips and watching tv. I've cried more in the past couple days than I did after finding out I had cancer. WTF, right?
Right now, I'm supposed to be getting ready, somehow, to go to work. My job is to take care of a dear friend that had a stroke a while back. She's lost most of the use of her right leg, all of the use of her right arm, and her ability to communicate. Right now, she's moving around better than me! How am I going to help her???
Whine, bitch, moan, whine!
Thanks for listening....and sorry for complaining.
Best wishes to all,
Naomi :/
I've been fat for about five years now. Other than when I was pregnant, I'd never been particularly heavy before. I got fat in a big hurry (nearly 100 pounds in less than a year) and because of that found out I had thyroid cancer. I took the cancer diagnosis ok. I cried for about ten minutes and then I took action...found out what I need to do...what was going to happen...and did it...and got healthy again...just stayed fat.
Jump to a month ago. I finally realized that I could no longer blame the thyroid stuff for the size of my ass and decided to take some personal responsibility. I also realized that I really needed to get out of the bad habits I'd formed in order to start anew. I signed myself up for a Biggest Loseresque Fat Camp so I could get out of my house...away from my family and start learning to love eating healthy and exercising again (like I used to) instead of sitting on the couch and watching tv and eating chips and ice cream (like I'd been).
Fat camp was great. Healthy food agrees with me...so does exercise. I actually LOVE to exercise. Problem is, apparently FAT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T RUN OR DO JUMPING JACKS!!! I was supposed to be there for a month....stayed for less than 2 weeks...came home with a torn meniscus and a stress fracture in my left leg.
So now I'm side lined again in life. The doctor is telling me I can't put any weight on my left leg...at all...for at least 4 weeks. I'm hobbling around with a walker (which is a hell of an upper body workout). My family's trying to help...but well...there's stuff that needs to be done that they just don't see.
I'm frustrated and depressed and discouraged. I don't want to give up...but there is a part of me that wants to say, "screw it" and go back to sitting on the couch eating chips and watching tv. I've cried more in the past couple days than I did after finding out I had cancer. WTF, right?
Right now, I'm supposed to be getting ready, somehow, to go to work. My job is to take care of a dear friend that had a stroke a while back. She's lost most of the use of her right leg, all of the use of her right arm, and her ability to communicate. Right now, she's moving around better than me! How am I going to help her???
Whine, bitch, moan, whine!
Thanks for listening....and sorry for complaining.
Best wishes to all,
Naomi :/
03-31-2010, 01:24 AM
#2
FitDay Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 45
Hey. It's okay to "whine" to us, that's why Fitday is here so we can offer support for eachother when no one else will.
Is your cancer..gone? I assume that's what you meant when you said "got healthy again..but stayed fat."
The fact that you came to the realization that you cannot blame your thyroid for your problems and took action at a camp shows great integrity and determination. That's awesome. 4 weeks isn't so long. Eat healthy and lower your caloric intake. And when you get better, you can try easing into excercise by walking for 30 minutes and then building up your time and eventually jogging, swimming, or just doing yoga (or something like it that is not too rigorous). Take little steps which will eventually add up to one big change, only after you have gotten better.
Please don't give up. If you give up, you'll still be depressed and discouraged only with the notion "It's okay to eat what I want now, I've given up." You can't turn back now...You gotta trudge on through all these bad times, even if they are slow and very dark.
I think this quote is very fitting: "Life is like a library owned by the author. In it are a few books which he wrote himself, but most of them were written for him." Everything that is happening to you isn't happening to drag you down into a pit, these problems are personally "designed" for you, so you CAN come out the other side.
This reminds me of video games, hehe. I like to play video games, but as soon as I get to a difficult level I am not the person to sit there for HOURS trying to beat the same level over and over, so I give up. Then I might come back months later and try my hand at it again, and because I don't make it right away I give up. Actually I have a game like that right now...it's stuck at this level and I can't play it because I won't get past that level haha . I haven't played it in like 2 years because of this. But my cousin, he LOVES video games. Sometimes he plays mine and he gets past all the levels I was stuck on. I come back, stunned and I say "HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU DO THAT?!" and all he says to me is... "I just keep playing until I can get through it." He said this to me..probably 3 years ago but I remember it so well because I thought it was amazing he would literally repeat the same level over and over for HOURS until he made it through. he always did. I thought it to be quite monotonous, but he's happy when he passes it, unlike me who gives up and leaves the game to collect dust because I gave up too quickly. The point of my silly story, lol, was to say don't be like me and give up on your body and leave it to collect dust because it was too difficult to get past, just keep at it, even if it feels monotonous and boring and like you're not getting anywhere, because eventually you crack the code and you're in and out the other side with huge success, moving onto more challenging 'levels' of your life, but also more exciting and fun ones. (trust me, when my cousin pass the level, I was happy too because the other levels were of course more interesting!)
Don't be sorry for complaining, that was the first thing I did when I joined here. Everyone here at Fitday is like a cushion for you when you fall. You'll be alright...as long as you don't give in. "ON BATTLEFIELDS, FIGHT! DON'T RUN!" One of the lyrics from a band I love
I think you needed to hear it.
Is your cancer..gone? I assume that's what you meant when you said "got healthy again..but stayed fat."
The fact that you came to the realization that you cannot blame your thyroid for your problems and took action at a camp shows great integrity and determination. That's awesome. 4 weeks isn't so long. Eat healthy and lower your caloric intake. And when you get better, you can try easing into excercise by walking for 30 minutes and then building up your time and eventually jogging, swimming, or just doing yoga (or something like it that is not too rigorous). Take little steps which will eventually add up to one big change, only after you have gotten better.
Please don't give up. If you give up, you'll still be depressed and discouraged only with the notion "It's okay to eat what I want now, I've given up." You can't turn back now...You gotta trudge on through all these bad times, even if they are slow and very dark.
I think this quote is very fitting: "Life is like a library owned by the author. In it are a few books which he wrote himself, but most of them were written for him." Everything that is happening to you isn't happening to drag you down into a pit, these problems are personally "designed" for you, so you CAN come out the other side.
This reminds me of video games, hehe. I like to play video games, but as soon as I get to a difficult level I am not the person to sit there for HOURS trying to beat the same level over and over, so I give up. Then I might come back months later and try my hand at it again, and because I don't make it right away I give up. Actually I have a game like that right now...it's stuck at this level and I can't play it because I won't get past that level haha . I haven't played it in like 2 years because of this. But my cousin, he LOVES video games. Sometimes he plays mine and he gets past all the levels I was stuck on. I come back, stunned and I say "HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU DO THAT?!" and all he says to me is... "I just keep playing until I can get through it." He said this to me..probably 3 years ago but I remember it so well because I thought it was amazing he would literally repeat the same level over and over for HOURS until he made it through. he always did. I thought it to be quite monotonous, but he's happy when he passes it, unlike me who gives up and leaves the game to collect dust because I gave up too quickly. The point of my silly story, lol, was to say don't be like me and give up on your body and leave it to collect dust because it was too difficult to get past, just keep at it, even if it feels monotonous and boring and like you're not getting anywhere, because eventually you crack the code and you're in and out the other side with huge success, moving onto more challenging 'levels' of your life, but also more exciting and fun ones. (trust me, when my cousin pass the level, I was happy too because the other levels were of course more interesting!)
Don't be sorry for complaining, that was the first thing I did when I joined here. Everyone here at Fitday is like a cushion for you when you fall. You'll be alright...as long as you don't give in. "ON BATTLEFIELDS, FIGHT! DON'T RUN!" One of the lyrics from a band I love
I think you needed to hear it.
03-31-2010, 02:54 AM
#3
FitDay Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 217
Naomi - Whine, bitch & moan then pick yourself up and keep going. I was over 100 pounds overweight when I did P90 & also suffered several injuries, one of them is still healing. When I stopped exercising I started gaining weight even though I was still eating right. On top of the injuries that devastated me & I gave up. I'd lost 50 pounds but all I could see was how unfair it all was & how hard I worked (I have fibromyalgia & other health issues). Anyways, here I am, many months later, having gained back much of what I'd lost & seriously regretting that I lost so much of my progress when I gave up.
You're at a fork in the road. It's just a fork in the road of a long journey. It's probably not the end of the journey itself even if right now you decide to give up. My advice is to go to a quiet place and look deep inside and answer this, do you think at some point you're going to want to be fit, look better, live longer & have clothes fit you just right? If you answer yes, then it's not the end of your journey (it's just a fork in the road) so write down all of those goals. Reaffirm the goals & the fact that your journey is worth it, because YOU are worth it.
NEVER compare your life or this journey with other people's. (that's a snake pit, don't go there!) Then take a look at the important lessons you learned about what exercise you can & can't do right now. You know your body better than anyone else. You now know how hard to push, and when to be gentle. You're already doing a great upper body workout-what else can you do? Isometrics for strengthening core muscles, etc? Hang tough. You'll respect yourself more & gain so much inner determination & strength from this hard lesson if you hang tough.
You're at a fork in the road. It's just a fork in the road of a long journey. It's probably not the end of the journey itself even if right now you decide to give up. My advice is to go to a quiet place and look deep inside and answer this, do you think at some point you're going to want to be fit, look better, live longer & have clothes fit you just right? If you answer yes, then it's not the end of your journey (it's just a fork in the road) so write down all of those goals. Reaffirm the goals & the fact that your journey is worth it, because YOU are worth it.
NEVER compare your life or this journey with other people's. (that's a snake pit, don't go there!) Then take a look at the important lessons you learned about what exercise you can & can't do right now. You know your body better than anyone else. You now know how hard to push, and when to be gentle. You're already doing a great upper body workout-what else can you do? Isometrics for strengthening core muscles, etc? Hang tough. You'll respect yourself more & gain so much inner determination & strength from this hard lesson if you hang tough.
03-31-2010, 03:06 AM
#4
FitDay Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 687
Look at it this way: if your friend with the stroke is still chugging along, how can you not do the same? Maybe when all is said and done, SHE is there to help YOU. My mantra this month is "this too shall pass". It's OK to fall, it's OK to be angry, and it's OK to come here and vent. That's healthier than keeping it bottled in. But then, you get up again. And again. And again. It doesn't matter how many times you fall, as long as you get up just one more time. As frustrating as it is, you gotta let yourself heal. Listen to the doctors. Don't be afraid to ask for or even demand help, it's hard for us women to admit, we don't HAVE to do it all. If you try to do too much, you won't heal properly and you'll be set back further in the long run. In the meantime, work the upper body and be mindful of the diet. You can't do everything, but you CAN do something!
03-31-2010, 12:01 PM
#5
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 38
Wow! What a blessing to come home after a very long and exhausting (emotionally and physically) day and find so many supportive comments to read...y'all got me crying all over again! Good grief, I'm such a baby lately. :/
Things I'm thankful for right now (besides this awesome website and all my new "virtual friends here!):
1: The fact that my "job" is to take care of a dear friend...more family than anything. She has very severe expressive aphasia from her stroke. She understands everything going on around her, but generally can't say what she wants to say. When I hobbled into her house this morning with the walker, she came out with, "OH NO! What happened?" I can't begin to explain how awesome that was. She was in a tremendous amount of pain today (nerve damage)...but all day long, she was worried about me. Her husband's taking the next two days off from work to take care of her so I can rest. I'm very lucky to have such good friends.
2. Every so often, my husband is able to work from home. He did today. Except he didn't actually work from home. Instead, he spent the entire day doing all the chores around the house that I'd been freaking out about not being able to do!! He cleaned up the kitchen, vacuumed, ran all the laundry...even changed our sheets. The funniest part of it was he was wearing a t-shirt I'd bought him for Valentine's Day a few years ago w/o even realizing it...the t-shirt said, "TROPHY HUSBAND!" No kidding..is he ever!
3. Both of my teenage boys acknowledged my existence when they came home from school and asked me how I was doing. A miracle? Possible so.
4. In spite of the blisters on my palms, I can tell I've gotten the best upper body workout today I've had in weeks and the pain medicine is making me so nauseated I'm not hungry at all. That's got to be good, right?
5. I've come to the conclusion that for as crappy as I'm feeling right now...and as big of a pity party as I've been having....IT COULD BE A HELLUVA A LOT WORSE!!
Thank you everyone for helping me get my head back on straight...and listening to me complain. It's good to have a shoulder sometimes (albeit a virtual one)..
Naomi
Things I'm thankful for right now (besides this awesome website and all my new "virtual friends here!):
1: The fact that my "job" is to take care of a dear friend...more family than anything. She has very severe expressive aphasia from her stroke. She understands everything going on around her, but generally can't say what she wants to say. When I hobbled into her house this morning with the walker, she came out with, "OH NO! What happened?"
I can't begin to explain how awesome that was. She was in a tremendous amount of pain today (nerve damage)...but all day long, she was worried about me. Her husband's taking the next two days off from work to take care of her so I can rest. I'm very lucky to have such good friends.2. Every so often, my husband is able to work from home. He did today. Except he didn't actually work from home. Instead, he spent the entire day doing all the chores around the house that I'd been freaking out about not being able to do!! He cleaned up the kitchen, vacuumed, ran all the laundry...even changed our sheets. The funniest part of it was he was wearing a t-shirt I'd bought him for Valentine's Day a few years ago w/o even realizing it...the t-shirt said, "TROPHY HUSBAND!" No kidding..is he ever!
3. Both of my teenage boys acknowledged my existence when they came home from school and asked me how I was doing. A miracle? Possible so.
4. In spite of the blisters on my palms, I can tell I've gotten the best upper body workout today I've had in weeks and the pain medicine is making me so nauseated I'm not hungry at all. That's got to be good, right?
5. I've come to the conclusion that for as crappy as I'm feeling right now...and as big of a pity party as I've been having....IT COULD BE A HELLUVA A LOT WORSE!!
Thank you everyone for helping me get my head back on straight...and listening to me complain. It's good to have a shoulder sometimes (albeit a virtual one)..
Naomi
03-31-2010, 12:51 PM
#6
FitDay Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Roanoke, VA
Posts: 289
Naomi: Not to lay any pressure on you, but I have a feeling you are going to be quite a success story and inspire a lot of people. You already are a success story! I agree with the previous post that your experience at the BL Camp showed that you are a determined lady.
A few years ago my legs went numb and after numerous tests and thousands of dollars, I was diagnosed with MS. During that time a friend and co-worker was going through breast cancer treatment. I believe we became each other's rock. Even though I was scared, I was blessed with the opportunity to focus on another person's fears and it took me out of my own head at times when I needed to not go there. Gratefully, I've been pretty much symptom-free for 4 years, minus some neuropathy in my feet. And my friend is cancer free.
Sounds like you were given a gift as well with your friend. Also sounds like your family is rising to the occasion.
One of the gyms in our area has a bike with hand cranks for using hands to "peddle" instead of legs. It gives an incredible cardio workout. Some physical therapy practices might also have them. Just an idea. Sometimes it helps me to feel empowered if I think about what I can do rather than what I cannot.
Hang in there!
A few years ago my legs went numb and after numerous tests and thousands of dollars, I was diagnosed with MS. During that time a friend and co-worker was going through breast cancer treatment. I believe we became each other's rock. Even though I was scared, I was blessed with the opportunity to focus on another person's fears and it took me out of my own head at times when I needed to not go there. Gratefully, I've been pretty much symptom-free for 4 years, minus some neuropathy in my feet. And my friend is cancer free.
Sounds like you were given a gift as well with your friend. Also sounds like your family is rising to the occasion.
One of the gyms in our area has a bike with hand cranks for using hands to "peddle" instead of legs. It gives an incredible cardio workout. Some physical therapy practices might also have them. Just an idea. Sometimes it helps me to feel empowered if I think about what I can do rather than what I cannot.
Hang in there!
04-01-2010, 03:15 AM
#7
FitDay Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 38
Thanks, Beth! My gym doesn't have those hand bike thingies, but I bought a little free standing peddle bike for my friend to use for rehab that you can also put on a table that I could use. Thanks for the good idea! Right now though...I'm probably getting enough of a workout just hauling my big ole bootie around on the walker. I don't get to use it like the cool little grannies with the tennis balls do...slide...step...shuffle...slide...repeat. I'm not supposed to put ANY weight on my left leg and I'm supposed to be really careful with impact on my right leg (worried about getting a stress fracture in that too!)...so I'm having to slide...launch...lift...lower slowly...repeat! LOL It's crazy!! My upper body was so sore last night my arms were shaking. It was like trying to stick a plank for about 2 hours or something. If it weren't for the Vicodin, I think I'd be DOA right now.
I can't begin to say how much everyone's support and votes of confidence are doing for me. I was, quite literally, curled up in a ball crying yesterday morning. What put me over the edge was finally figuring out how to get myself into the shower and then realizing I hadn't gotten a towel. It's always the dumb, little things, right?
Today, I'm tired and I'm sore as all hell, but I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm formulating a plan. I can control the things I can control. I CAN be careful so I rehab faster. I CAN watch what I eat...maybe even bump up my calcium so my bones are happier....and lower my calories a bit to make up for spending more time sitting in a recliner with my feet up and ice on my knee. I CAN be happy that my family is trying to help. I CAN be really happy that by the time I'm done hauling myself around on this walker for a month or so my arms are going to look like Linda Hamilton's in T2!! (Maybe with a little extra fat on them, but still! LOL) All in all, I've got a lot more I CANS than I can'ts...so I'm gonna go with that!
Pity party...over and done with...as of right now!!
My gym doesn't have those hand bike thingies, but I bought a little free standing peddle bike for my friend to use for rehab that you can also put on a table that I could use. Thanks for the good idea! Right now though...I'm probably getting enough of a workout just hauling my big ole bootie around on the walker. I don't get to use it like the cool little grannies with the tennis balls do...slide...step...shuffle...slide...repeat. I'm not supposed to put ANY weight on my left leg and I'm supposed to be really careful with impact on my right leg (worried about getting a stress fracture in that too!)...so I'm having to slide...launch...lift...lower slowly...repeat! LOL It's crazy!! My upper body was so sore last night my arms were shaking. It was like trying to stick a plank for about 2 hours or something. If it weren't for the Vicodin, I think I'd be DOA right now.I can't begin to say how much everyone's support and votes of confidence are doing for me. I was, quite literally, curled up in a ball crying yesterday morning. What put me over the edge was finally figuring out how to get myself into the shower and then realizing I hadn't gotten a towel. It's always the dumb, little things, right?
Today, I'm tired and I'm sore as all hell, but I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm formulating a plan. I can control the things I can control. I CAN be careful so I rehab faster. I CAN watch what I eat...maybe even bump up my calcium so my bones are happier....and lower my calories a bit to make up for spending more time sitting in a recliner with my feet up and ice on my knee. I CAN be happy that my family is trying to help. I CAN be really happy that by the time I'm done hauling myself around on this walker for a month or so my arms are going to look like Linda Hamilton's in T2!!
(Maybe with a little extra fat on them, but still! LOL) All in all, I've got a lot more I CANS than I can'ts...so I'm gonna go with that!Pity party...over and done with...as of right now!!
04-01-2010, 03:28 AM
#8
FitDay Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 217
{{hugs}} I'm so glad that you're doing better Naomi. We're here for you - we hear you & understand how hard what you're going through really is. I was so happy when I read about your family's support at such a difficult time. That was so perfect. Keep your head above water & keep kicking!!
04-01-2010, 04:28 PM
#10
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 38
OMG...I went and got myself an hour and a half massage this afternoon (it was that or another half dozen Vicodin and I'm afraid I'm turning into Dr. House!)...I can't begin to explain how much that helped. AND...the massage therapist showed me a different way to move on crutches so I wouldn't be stuck using the walker all the time. What a world of difference that made. I was actually able to attend my younger son's baseball game tonight...a looooong walk to the bleachers, but I managed it. I did have one of the grounds keepers drive me back to the parking lot in a golf cart, but at least I made it to the game on my own. Amazing how things can seem so crappy one day and so much better the next! Thanks to everyone for lifting my spirits!
Hugs to all... N
AND...the massage therapist showed me a different way to move on crutches so I wouldn't be stuck using the walker all the time. What a world of difference that made. I was actually able to attend my younger son's baseball game tonight...a looooong walk to the bleachers, but I managed it. I did have one of the grounds keepers drive me back to the parking lot in a golf cart, but at least I made it to the game on my own. Amazing how things can seem so crappy one day and so much better the next! Thanks to everyone for lifting my spirits! Hugs to all... N
