I feel like a failure....
 

I gained 30 lbs during my pregnancy last year, which brings my total to around 60 lbs since I've turned 30 (I'm 33). Throughout my pregnancy I ate like a pig and barely got off the couch but I vowed to go bootcamp-style after she was born and work it all off within three months. HA! I dropped around 30 lbs immediately after delivery, but within months I gained back 20 lbs. It's over a year later and I can still fit my maternity clothes! And I'm ashamed of myself. My family teased me, making mean and insensitive comments when I was pregnant because I gained soooo much. Now, since I haven't lost the weight, I feel uncomfortable and ashamed, so I avoid them. 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and even my daughter's first birthday, I isolated us and made excuses to stay away. But it's not fair for me to isolate my daughter and keep her from people who love her because I won't stop eating. What's worse is I self-sabotage constantly. I diet, lose some weight, then I go off the deep end. My husband makes indirect comments so I know he's losing patience with me, and I feel bad about myself, but still I do nothing to change. I look at pictures from a few years ago and burst into tears- when we met I was a size seven. I'm now squeezing into a 14. I feel unhealthy and fatigued all the time, and I want so desperately to change but I just feel stuck....

You have to not do it for them. Decide what's important for you. Don't tolerate people treating you that way. You deserve better. You must demand to be treated with respect, you must expect to be treated with respect and not accept anything less than that.

Is it something that you really want to do for yourself or is it something you feel obligated to do for them? If you can just try to maintain your weight for a while. That might be easier than trying to lose when you have all this emotional stuff going on.

When you're ready to lose, do it because you want to and because it will make you feel better, but not to stop other people from acting inappropriately. They shouldn't be actng like that even if you had gained 100 lbs.

I totally hear you. I gained weight with my pregnancy, but I gained more after it. My hubby wasn't saying anything (he's big too) but my mom was on a crusade. She was trying to talk to me about diet plans the day after my son was born, in the hospital, and she just got more pushy from there. I tried to shrug it off, but it did make me really ashamed and took my self-confidence.

The thing is, though, losing weight for other people doesn't work. People making comments and jokes about your weight isn't going to make you lose weight. What finally made me start, actually, was that I was having digestive problems and didn't want to feel sick anymore. Nothing to do with my weight, and certainly nothing to do with what other people were saying.

Women gain weight when they have babies. It doesn't always fall off the second their baby comes out (in fact, it almost never does). If you were struggling with a lack of sleep (which most new moms do), or post partum depression, it's really difficult to lose weight. You haven't done anything wrong, or anything to be ashamed of (but, I know, I would have rolled my eyes hearing this too). It took me two years to get started, but when I was ready to do it for myself, it clicked.

I don't know if you can talk to your husband and family about it, but you need to tell them that they need to butt out, that it's perfectly normal to be heavier than you were before, and that shaming you isn't going to do anything positive. If they love you, they need to love you for who you are and be supportive and encouraging.

mamas0407,

rubystars is 100% right!!!! It's hard being a Mom and making time to take care of ourselves. Not many of us women are lucky enough to have our bodies bounce back into shape. I have been there, three kids and 20 years of marriage being over weight. (heaviest being 240)

When your ready.....start by just going for walks with or without your daughter it's great for stress, will give you more energy and kick your metabolism in to gear. Then move on from there. I hope you keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Always feel good about yourself.

Well said nobe!!!

mamas0407 I think you have come to the right place for support. WELCOME

we are all here for you when you are ready to start this journey... Listen, my kids are 10-1/2 and 8 and I am FINALLY in 2012 figuring it out. Dont be so hard on yourself, you are NOT ALONE!

WEEEEEELLLLCCCOOOOMMMME!

Thank you all for your support and kind words of encouragement. When Nobe mentioned the story about her mom, I remembered how mine would call during my pregnancy, and the first question she'd always ask was, did the dr. say anything about your weight? When I was in the hospital, I had a very difficult delivery and had to have a second surgery after the C-section. I still remember my mom yelling at me in front of everyone to get my "fat ass up and walk." I am still hurt and angry behind it. But I have to let it go and stop treating myself with the same contempt others have shown me. Food has become a comfort and something I've come to rely on because really, I feel so alone and unsupported, but talking about everything might make it better. We'll see. Thanks again for listening...

I think Moms mean well by what they say but it just made me eat more. I was worried about my Daughters weight for awhile but I made sure I didn't say anything unless she brought it up first. Then I was careful about what I said. My seventeen year old son is a little over weight, he talks to me about it now and then but again I am careful about what I say. He can see that my husband (diabetic) and I try to stay healthy by walking and eating right (most of the time). Everyone falls off the wagon now and then. Stay strong mamas0407

I'm trying to, ahappieru. Thanks for the encouragement- I'm gonna stop beating myself up because I think that just leads to more sabotage. I read something on Jillian Michaels website that said, lose the all or nothing mentality. I need to do exactly that, and then I'll have more confidence...

You go girl. You can do it mamas0407!!

This makes me so effing mad. I'm sure everybody was extremely proud of you when you were pregnant. Most people keep showering pregnant women with kindness and treats because 'you've got to eat for two now'. However, once they give birth, they're too fat all of a sudden. Well, it's pregnancy, you're EXPECTED to gain weight. And for most women, it's not that easy to shed it afterwards. Just try and ignore their catty comments, you're better than that. I know it's horribly difficult to do this, but hey, what the hell do they know. It really pissed me to read about your husband losing his patience. What patience?? He was patient enough to have a child with you, he should be supporting you. And if he's not, that's his loss, because I'm sure you're going to make it. Just stay strong, if you can't do it on your own with the tools on FitDay find a nutritionist, one that you can work with. Eventually, you will find a diet/exercise routine that works for you.

Yes yes yes yes yes!!!

The word "patience" really bothered me too. A wife isn't a husband's property, and it isn't her duty to get back in shape after having a baby. Maybe it was just odd phrasing, but it made me feel squicky.

I think people see celebrities losing all their baby weight within a few weeks and think that's the norm...without realizing that most regular people don't have personal trainers and cooks and nannies (not to mention a lot of them getting tummy tucks while they're having their c-section). It's celebrities' job to look good, and they have endless resources to make it happen - often at the expense of their baby.

Why does everyone think that womens' bodies are fair game once they get pregnant anyway? If a guy gained some weight (without even making a person), there wouldn't be so much concern-trolling about it. Everybody thinks they have the right to monitor the weight of pregnant/post-partum women as though their body is no longer their own.

It's a proven fact that people don't lose weight by being put down and criticized over it. I think it really has nothing to do with the weight anyway, it's just a way to make thinner people feel better about themselves by making someone else feel bad...while all the while pretending it's because they care. If they cared, they would be supporting the person and letting them know they're loved at any size.

You're the same person you would be if you were smaller, so don't think you'd feel better about yourself just by losing weight. Feel better about yourself now, love yourself NOW, even if you gain weight, still love yourself. If you lose weight, it doesn't make you a better person because you'll still be the SAME person. Does this make sense?

Nicely said Ruby!:)

I really related to this because I have been afraid and concerned about my DD's weight for a long time, especially due to health issues in the family on both sides (high bp, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, you name it.) And also because it is tough in this society being heavier. It was heartbreaking to hear my talented DD say she didn't get a lead role in a school play because "no one gives the lead to the fat girl." Or to hear her say that guys only seem to like the thin girls. And I know I said some less than sensitive things trying to be "helpful" and I am learning to do what ahappieru has done and not say anything; let her bring it up and let it be about health and eating better and exercising rather than fat/thin. It was also heartbreaking to her her ask "Can't anyone just love me as I am?"
You should be loved just as you are and as a teacher once told me very few people respond well to insult and criticism. All these negative comments don't help anyway; it only makes us feel worse, more depressed, more prone to overeat. No one has the right to be mean: not your Mom, not your significant other, no one. We all have our struggles. People ARE insensitive (moms included and maybe especially Moms.) And your husband's remark...well can we say clueless? Try to forgive and let go of the hurt if you can and realize that you can achieve your goals (we are here to help and support you) but you are perfectly lovable and worthy of love just the way you are. I wish I had said that to my own DD more often and I pray that she hears it when I do say it and that for her at 18 it is not too little too late. I have spent most of my life with weight issues, diet obsession, on a new eating plan every other week and I don't blame DD for not wanting to be like me (she refuses to diet) but I still say to her try to eat well and take care of yourself. I wish I could have modeled healthier behavior but I am trying now. Ah, the damage we do in "trying to help." Just know this: you can do it, mama, don't give up.

I love this. This is a motto to live by.