I'm back at square 1
 

Today is my birthday and it is the worse birthday I ever had. People love me plan birthday party for me but I have no heart for it. Party means food and drink. Food and drink means fat. I wanted to disappear, I don't want to see anyone because I look terrible in all clothes. AGRRRR...
I know this support to be a motivation thread but i have no motivation today. I am about to cry out loud and who I blame but myself. I did so good last year and took a long vacation and packed up 8lbs. My foot hurt so I can't run. Then let the wagon loose and got another 10, now I back where I was forever.
I started the P90X a few days ago but of course it's not a quick fix.
I log my food in, and it's only after lunch and I already ate 1000 cals. That really doesn't help. :eek:
I hope to get some motivation here.
Thanks for reading,
Mai

Yeah, my Android takes the worst. pictures. ever. Every little flaw shows up and I look about 50 pounds heavier than I am. I have an app called "retro camera" that makes everything grainy and 70's looking and those pictures are a lot more tolerable, but most pictures of me are taken at family dinners and whatnot, with bad lighting/flash. They make me want to crawl under a rock.

I think my walk might be a bust again today, it's a monsoon out there. I don't even know if I could get through the puddle at the end of my driveway without getting soaked to the ankles. Maybe I could just go down there and swim some laps, haha.

Yeah, there's a mall and 3 grocery stores within walking distance, so I use running errands/getting groceries as an excuse to go for a walk. All the stores are also at the bottom of a giant steep hill, so when I'm coming home pushing a stroller full of groceries, it ends up being a real workout. Pushing about 100lbs up a steep hill is hard!

I think hubby's started hiding food not to keep it from me, but to keep me from knowing he's eating it. Which is better (for me) than stuffing the fridge full of treats like he was doing when I started this, but he needs to get his butt in gear too. I noticed he's been stashing his empty pop bottles too and putting them in the recycling on garbage day so I don't see them. Sigh.

Dr Office just called with sonogram results. She said my lining is thick (already knew this from the first sonogram) and that she wants to biopsy it. Biopsy will be done in office and that appointment is on 04.11.13. I'm still not stressing. This is what she already told me was how she would proceed and all this will probably be followed up with the D&C.

Wouldn't you know it...I got hubby to drive me to do my errands because of the rain. Just as we got home all the clouds disappeared and the sun came out. I said "I'm going to go for a big walk after lunch." Lunch is done and it's monsoon time again. I wish I had room in my house for the treadmill that's being used as a filing cabinet at my dad's.

If only they would do what we told them to do life would be so much easier! Ha! Never gonna happen. My first hubby was a stasher too, but with material goods not food. Hiding places included the trunk of his car, the garage, and work. I didn’t know what was going on until he went overseas for work and I took over the bills. Hubby #2 can’t keep a secret to save his life, which I love!

Ama: I'm glad the protein in the morning helped - try it again and see if it helps again!

canary: I remember being really, really moved by modern art when I was least expecting it - Jackson Pollock of all things. When I saw it in a textbook I scoffed, but in person, I was completely mezmerizied. Not sure how I can love Jackson Pollock as well as loving really classic art, but then again, maybe I don't need a reason.

Tori: You will find yourself again or we will DRAG you back to that healthy place, kicking and screaming if need be!

Mike: Ouch, sorry about that huge claim. :( I didn't know claim filing went against bonuses either, that seems completely unfair!

Mern: I had to chuckle at your rant about your doc ruining your macros!!! Though I am amazed every day at the number-juggling you do, I think if I tried to manage anything more than I do now my head might explode with it. I'm just not good at that amount of rigidity most days.

Jho: Great job on your water!!!! Woohoo!!

Amy: Cell phones NEVER take good pictures, you're gorgeous.

April: I'm keeping you in my thoughts for the best possible results from your sonogram!!!

Sorry to miss a lot of folks, I'm rushing :(

Health and Lifestyle Goals

1) Keep calories under 1500 every day, weekends included. M: 1,313 T: 1,620 W: 1,360
2) Exercise for a total of four hours or more (I like Amy's way of adding up the minutes, so I will do that, maybe it will help) and post the TYPE of exercise M: 0 T: 52 min Zumba W: 0 min (Total: 52 minutes)
3) At least 80 oz. of water daily, shoot for 96 M: 80 T: 88 W: 80
4) Calorie deficit of at least 3,500 M: -493 T: -766 W: -441 (Total: -1,700)
5) Protein average for the week of 25-30% M: 32% T: 25% W: 25%(Average: 27.3%)
6) Weigh M, W, F and post M: 160.3 W: 157.5 :eek: :eek:
7) In bed by 11:30 M: No T: No W: 11:32 counts!
8) Post what I ate yesterday. Every single little thing.

W: Breakfast - One container of 0% fat greek yogurt (vanilla flavor). Forgot my multivitamin.
Lunch - My snack-plan got sabotaged, so I ended up over-eating. 1.5 slices of Pizza Hut Pizza and two breadsticks. Logged it and moved on, it could have been worse!
Dinner - BF brought home Chinese to surprise me, but he knows what I get from there to be "healthy" -- 8 steamed pork dumplings, a tablespoon of peanut sauce. I also ate 6 nuggets of sweet-and-sour chicken. My fingers must have been rebelling when they snuck over there, I swear!


Other Stuff

1) Get BC application in M: No T: No W: No
2) Prepare for phone interview Thursday (nervous!!!!!) M: Confirmed people I will be interviewing with and scanned their profiles T: Busy with other essential work W: yes
3) No more than 30 minutes daily on non-work related websites at work, other than FD. Yes, I'm timing it. I have been a procrastinating procrastinator due to stress. M: It was more like 50 minutes T: 45 minutes W: 25 minutes!
4) Call Dad on Wednesday after eye surgery M: N/A T: N/A W: He called me before I could call him, haha.
5) Make an effort on my appearance every day M: yes, no makeup (breakout) T: yes, no makeup W: yes
6) Buy new workout clothes and underwear!!!! M-F: Weekend goal

Sorry for checking in so late with Wednesday's numbers, guys. I am amazingly tired. Thursdays are always long days.

My Dad's eye surgery was yesterday and it seems to have been a success. He says he can see again, though he needs to wear an eye shield/sunglasses for two weeks as his eye heals. SO that's good!

I had my phone interview today. I think it went alright -- I was a little hesitant on one question but I think I did my best in answering it -- regarding lab space and necessary resources. I haven't SEEN their space so it's hard for me to estimate, but I gave them a ballpark number (and informed them of my caveat). I also ate like a cow yesterday, and even though the calories were low, pizza + chinese food does not a good nutritional profile make! I was so stressed over the interview though that I just kind of logged it like a robot and am having a today-is-a-new-day vibe today, so I'm glad I'm not mad at myself, haha.

Setting up a Skype interview for next week, too. I honestly wish the interviews were reversed, because the one I did today was my FIRST phone interview and the one next week is the one I'm less interested in. I wish I had been able to practice on the less-interesting one for the one I want more, but that's life! I just want, at this point, to get another step in the process. I feel like I keep falling short and it's really a downer.

Would chat more, but I need to get ready to teach tonight. I want to work out tonight -- the spirit is willing, hopefully the flesh will be too!

~Terri

Happy birthday, dear Mai and the present I would like for you is to stop beating up on yourself and realize so many of us have gone through the ups and downs. Who's with me on this? Join in. le t Mai knwo she is not alone!!!! But you can do it; I know you can. Just find something comfy to wear (black covers a multitude of sins) and don't worry. Bask in the love of your family and friends; it's not about the food; it's about the love. And come back and join us where you will get heaps of motivation from good caring people. There may not be aquick fix but there can be a fix!!!!
Big hugs, (((Mai)))
Hope

April, I am so glad you are not stressing. You are taking this well, one step at a time. I will be praying for you and sending you that positive energy!!! Please keep us posted!!!