Family won't help a bit
 

Hello everyone.

I started my diet last year and it's been on and off, but I managed to lose 12 kgs. The problem is, my father is one of those skinny people who can manage to eat whatever they want without gaining any weight. So my house is always full of junk food: cookies, chocolate, chips, greasy cheese, you name it... I talked to him long ago about this, but he claims that it's my problem if I'm on a diet and he does not need to pay for it.
I do realise he's kind of right, but... Let's be honest here, I got fat when I was a kid because of the lousy meals I got at home, because I never ate junk out of the house and I always did a lot of exercise. Nowadays, yeah, he might be thin, but he refuses to take blood tests because we all know his cholesterol must be quite high.
The thing is, every time I seem to start focusing and losing weight properly, the amount of junk in the house seems to grow.
Am I imagining things or is he trying to sabotage me?? I really don't get it, because I've been putting up with his comments about my weight and his stupid advice forever (and yes, it is stupid, when I was little he told me that if I ate bread with every meal I would get skinnier).

It sounds like your dad doesn't know how to help you. Unfortunately living in 'his' house, you are kind of at a loss if he doesn't want to help you out by hiding his junk food at all. I will say though that once I was resolved to do this, it doesn't matter what junk is in my house (and there always is). I just don't eat it. I will fix my hubby whatever junky snack he wants and then fix myself something healthy. Sometimes he wants my healthy snack too and that is what I am going for. But sometimes you have to understand that just because you want to change yourself doesn't mean your dad is ready or willing to change himself.

How old are you? I am sorry that you are having this battle along with trying weight loss.

Hi Absentha,

My only advice would be to ask your Dad if he could just keep all of the junk food in one place, perhaps one cupboard and one drawer in the refrigerator, and not have it scattered about because you don't need to be seeing it all the time. But you can avoid one cupboard and a drawer in the refrigerator.

You can't really ask him not to eat the junk in front of you, that will be up to you to walk away from him when he's doing so. Maybe he'll get the message that way and will decide to be a little more compassionate. Sorry you're going through this, it's tough enough trying to lose weight. But I don't think he's intentionally trying to sabotage you.

Thank you guys, I'll definitely try to have him keep all his stuff in the same cupboard, because ever since X-mas there's been a huge tray of 'turron' (sorry, I don't know if there's any translation for this) on the living room's table. He just can't seem to stop buying bars. Also, he gets pisses when I walk away when he's eating crap. We argued today because of this, I told him he's never tried to help me, even though he's always wanted me to lose weight. I mean, I guess if a family takes a positive view on dieting and starts eating better, the member on a diet is more likely to succeed, aren't they?

ive read somewhere that people who've known you the longest and know you best are psychologically driven to keep you in your current state. when you tell them you are going to try to get healthy and lose weight, at first they will say things like, way to go, its a good thing you want to lose some youll feel better, etc. but after a while when they start to see you changing it becomes a threat to them somehow and they subconsciously will sabotage you.

i know it makes sense when i think about friends... when my friends see me they think oh there's big mark, he's always good for some laughs. but what if i wasnt just there for entertainment, and now im competition for a mate. where i dont understand this pyschological condition is when it comes to family. but ive definitely experienced it with my parents as well, as we speak theres a texas sheet cake on the table and its taunting me... evil sheetcake:mad:

I guess it could have something to do with the fact that I was already fat as a child... Maybe he's subconciously trying to keep me as his little girl. I don't know. I realise now that I made him sound quite bad but he is actually a fantastic father and has been a great help many times (just not on this matter).

Hi Absentha-
I really feel for you and your post really got me thinking. When i was a child yes i was happy but i was never taught about nutrition or about anything that made me aware of having a healthy body. My mum had her own thoughts on losing weight- she still does and it doesnt do her any favours. I grew up eating good family meals but they were prepared badly and i was always allowed to eat what i wanted. Everything that happened after that wasnt anybodys fault but my own but i didnt have a single ounce of support from anywhere!!!
It annoys me a little now that my parents are beginning to only realise now they are in their 50s how to live and eat healthily. They now make the efforts to eat more fruit/veg/salad- if only they had one this when i was younger. If i go around i always am offered something fattening or high cal!
I used to be the fattest in the family and now they realise i am getting closer to their weights they all make an effort to diet. Anyway im not letting it get me stressed and im doing this for the right reasons- for me!! I ensure that i show my kids the balance between foods and they are educated with food in a fun and positive way.

With your father- i only noticed and realised certain things about my parents as i got older and got the support from my boyfriend and close friends.
We have treats in the house and although they can be tempting its much easier when i have my alternatives. Anything not to feel deprived.

Just stay strong and stick with it- your dad will more likely come around to the idea of you wanting to lose weight when he sees how happy it makes you. Congratulations on the 12kg youve already lost so far! Good luck- let us know how you go.
Tracey x

Well that's just too bad for him, isn't it? ;)

Let him get upset that you walk away when he's eating his junk. That's just too bad. You don't have to sit there and be subjected to that. Like I said, he'll get the message and then it's up to HIM to decide what to do about it.

He told you "it's my problem if I'm on a diet and he does not need to pay for it" well you can tell him that it's his problem he can't stop eating junk food and you don't need to pay for it. What's he gonna do, force you to sit there as he gobbles down Twinkies? :rolleyes:

Just play it cool with him and stay strong. He'll come around. Right now it sounds like you've got to earn his respect in this area, and the only way to do that is to be strong but fair. And don't argue with him, just show him by your actions that you mean business.

¡Las felicidades y nos guardan actualizado!

Great advice Vito. Arguing with your dad will only demonstrate that you are still a little girl - and clearly you are your own person now ;)

I also agree with Vito. You can't change your behavior based on how other people feel...unless you want to risk the joys of being codependent (that's heavy sarcasm there) and compromising your own mental (and sometimes physical) health. If he's pissed, that's his to deal with. But the flip side is also true...if you're pissed about something he's said or done, that's on your plate to figure out how to deal with. We can be a great support system, so use us however you need to!

Thank you for your support guys! I don't usually use the forums, but I bet I will be using them more often now, it really helps to talk to people who know what I'm going through (and I don't mean it in the 'victim' way, but it is a journey not everyone experiences).

Never feel like you are playing the victim.
You never know what others are going through and maybe someone else is experiencing the same issues and for whatever reason isn't discussing it. Our answers to you can help that other person too. :)

You've gotten some great advice here.

I'd also offer this advice - from someone who has an unhealthy father who HASN'T managed to stay skinny but still eats junk, and tries to impose - you're only ever going to get him to realize that you're serious by following through on what you say you're going to do. It takes willpower (a lot) and dedication, but he seems like the "Show, don't tell" type of person.

Whenever my Dad has treats laying out (it's usually fun-size candy bars at home), I don't say anything to him, but I just move it out of my arm's reach. If he says something, I tell him I just didn't want it near me. I'll ask him if he wants any and offer it to him, that usually shuts him up :)

If he offers me something, I'll just say "No, thank you." Don't offer reasoning - he doesn't have to hear your reasoning! - and if he asks why, just say "I don't want any right now." (Again, with the not offering reasoning). The thing about it is, if you offer your reasoning, you're giving him more with which to belittle you or argue with you about, if that's his M.O.

Also... something else it took me time to learn - recognize the GOOD things he does. It may feel like he "always" or "never" does something, but I try to avoid putting those words into an argument as I find they're usually not true. Maybe one time he DOES move the treats. Or maybe he DOES move his snacks to the cupboard if you ask. Something, anything, even if it's just not saying anything when you bring out your healthy snacks. Make sure you're recognizing those things even if you don't say it out loud at first, because it might help you to deal with your own reaction to him (Family members know how to push buttons!! And we know how to LET them!!) and temper it. Just my two cents, though. I don't know your family :)

We're here if you need to vent more!

Absentha, I know exactly how you feel. I also live with my super-skinny father, along with my husband and son, who are also thin. They all eat whatever they want (beer, ice cream, pizza, etc) without gaining a thing, while I'm sitting there trying to choke down whole-wheat crackers and celery, trying to get full on healthy food that costs an arm and a leg and does not fill me up. What I try to do is buy myself my own 'treats,' such as yoghurt (because I am a sugar-addict), or fruit, and I try to follow a meal plan that lists the types of foods to eat (for example, 1 fruit serving), not specific foods in general (for example, 1 apple), because it is much easier than trying to eat the ones listed, especially if I don't like what is on the list. One thing I discovered is that you should never completely restrict yourself from the 'garbage food,' because if you do that, the next time you have it, you will certainly binge on it. Just eat one serving of that food sparingly, get plenty of exercise, and you should be fine. And don't let the guys in your house get you down!

All I can suggest is to dig deep and pull up your inner mule. Be stubborn and consistent and eventually he'll either come around or at least accept that you've chosen to lead a healthier life and fully intent to eat healthy regardless of the example he's setting. I've been working on my mother for YEARS, dad however was pretty much a lost cause until he watched his own mother die. She didn't die from obesity, but I think a life time of a poor diet definitely contributed to her health problems. I think down deep dad knows this and he's made some progress, well my mother puts salad on the table now and he eats it without complaining (which by the way is new for him, he always complained before).

Maybe where your dad is concerned you could offer to do the grocery shopping or the cooking. A lot of men won't choose to eat healthy, but if you put hot food in front of them they will eat without question or complaints. A lot of healthy dishes are delish, so it shouldn't be that hard to get him to cooperate a little at least. Also arguing with him may only make him more stubborn, so as a tactic I can't recommend it. You might make a practice of reading the nutritional labels on his junk food, and should it come up be able to express your concerns.

As long as you know how much and what you are eating, it's a good idea to leave your dad's eating habits alone. You don't have to eat what he eats. He doesn't have to eat what you eat. It can easily turn into a war of 'What I eat is better than what you eat...' and that turns nasty fast!

You say he gets mad when you walk away from him when he's making bad food choices. He may be interpreting that as some sort of comment on his eating habits. Just stay away from him when food is involved, if you can - eat your own meals separately or out of the house. If you can't stay away, then try to be calm enough to not let him goad you ('Have some.' 'No thanks, I'm not hungry.' 'What's wrong? Are you sick?' 'No, I already had something to eat and I'm not hungry....' and so on) because food choice and preparation can become a battlefield! The thing is: it takes two to to begin the battle.

wow this is great advice ...surely i find a situation to apply it myself.

It's not about the food
 

Food - meals, together time, etc. - are the universal element in families... so when the balance is upset unilaterally (your diet) there will be conflict.

If there are underlying (read unresolved) conflicts (and trust me, as a fat child there are CONFLICTS about what is said, how you are treated.... EVERYTHING) then these will surface. But again, it's not about the food.

Only you can change your life. Be nice to your father. Eat those things which will help you with your goal.

You haven't stated your age, but that is important to know, as these conflicts play out a lot differently at 14 than, say, 30 or 45 years of age.

good luck. Stay strong.

Forrest

Sorry to bump this old thread, but my father had a heart attack on Monday. He's stable now, but scared to death, and he's finally agreed with me that he needs to start eating healthier. I just wish he would have listened earlier and for different reasons.
I guess this proves you can be skinny and unhealthy (I had my blood tests done last week and they are perfect).

Oh my... healing thoughts are being sent even as I type.

forrest

sorry to hear about your dad. I hope his recovery goes well and he listens to the warning that he was just sent.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's heart attack. One good consequence is that he will probably take the advice he gets during follow-up visits with his doctor very seriously.

Thank you for your support guys :)
He's already home, apparently he had the mildest type of heart attack a man his age can have. He's already given up smoking and it seems he's eating better, I just pray for him to stick to this regime!