Discussing weight loss goals with the men in your life...
 

I was debating on whether or not to post this, but I've decided that I really do need some advice, because I've been bugged all day.

I will preface by saying that I have two important men in my life - my darling BF (6+ years together) and my Dad, with whom I have always been close. BF is overweight, Dad is morbidly obese.

Both have also been extremely supportive of my weight loss goals, BF especially -- bolstering me when I have a rough day and taking time to point out changes he's noticing in my body, or anything else that he feels is a good step - reminding me to go to the gym, saving me nutritional information, having smoothies ready for me, you name it. He also hasn't been down on me when I'm off, but just encouraging when I get back on the horse.

We were talking about my weight loss the other day, and I said something to the effect of "While I have 140 as a goal, that's just a number." He replied with "Why did you pick that number?" I told him why -- basically, it was a good round number of loss (75 lbs. total), it's in my healthy range, I feel like I could reach it realistically given my body shape, etc.

His response was a little unexpected, in that he said that he believed I was selling myself short, I could hit 115 or 110 if I wanted to, and that my preconceptions about my body (the fact that I have a stocky/curvy shape, for example) were holding me back.

I know he meant to be encouraging, but I had this weird moment where I felt like he was even more obsessed with my figure than I am (if that's possible, haha!). Dad was similar when I told him about my goals. He said "140 is nothing, that shouldn't be your final goal."

I have to admit I was a little disappointed in both of them. I know both were coming from a "Go get 'em, Tiger!" sort of place, but the way that it came out was a little hurtful. 140 is my ultimate goal -- for now. I want to take it for a good long spin when I get there and reassess, because I will probably be in the best shape of my life at that point, and I have NO IDEA how it feels to be there. I told them both as much, and they were both worried I would "settle."

:confused: I'm wondering if there was a better way for me to express myself? I know men sometimes need to be talked to differently than women do, or to hear things in a different way, but I can't help feeling like I'm somehow disappointing them with my current goal. In the end, I'm going to do what I'm going to do, but having those I love on board sure helps!!

If your boyfriend and Dad are not trying to lose weight themselves and don't know how difficult it can be then they really can't say anything with authority.

You will probably look great at 140 and only you can decide if you want to go lower than that. If its in the healthy range, then good for you.

Many of the men I know, including my husband, will give me their opinion on topics they know nothing about or haven't even thought about. It can be very frustrating. I have to step back and not be offended, but just try to remember thats the way they are and what they say are not meant to be malicous.

I wish my husband would make smoothies! (Or anything reasonably healthy for that matter).

hi terri,
that would piss me off too. in my opinion they should say NOTHING about what your goal weight should be, it's totally up to you, and their only job is to support you. that would be ideal in my mind.

i think that rmdaly has a good point--men state opinions about things that they know nada about!

140 is such a fantastic goal, namely because you put thought into it and your reasons seem very rational.

in general, goal setting has a whole psychology to it, although i'm sure different goal setting techniques work better for some people than others, I am the type to get overwhelmed by creating huge number goals. I feel much better about making smaller goals, which will, if i stick to it, add up to something big.

maybe they just don't get how hard this is, and how incredibly personal a weight goal can be.

good for you for not telling them what their weight goal should be! heh.

Clearly dad and BF have no idea what they are talking about. At 140 you'll be just this side of a stick and probably hedging underweight. And I know what I'm talking about, I'm 2 1/2 inches shorter than you and weigh 147ish, and wear a size 8. I'm technically overweight, but only by 10-12 lbs or so, now if I were your height I would be just about right. I would suggest that you get some back up information, from the doctor's office, the internet, whatever and show them what your recommended healthy weight range is and then make it clear that comments like the ones they gave you just might land you with an eating disorder. You might also show them what their healthy weight range is, hint hint. I think the notion that beautiful women weigh 110-115 comes from all the commercials we've seen over the years on television promoting diet products. Have you ever noticed that all those women weigh between 110 and 120? Well apparently dad and BF have, subliminally or otherwise. Sort of like all the women in every Star Trek episode wore a C cup. Right, sure they did.

side note for almeeker/anyone else that wants to read this: have you ever heard of the tracy anderson method? she's a brit that coaches lots of famous skinny folks like gwyneth paltrow, kelly rippa, etc.

i read about her diet on a blog that was saying how unbalanced it is, here is an article about their diet/workout: Gwyneth Paltrow's personal trainer Tracy Anderson's diet plan gave me blackouts | Mail Online

seeing gwyneth on glee last night made me annoyed bc so many people look to her as a role model and some men/women, like you mentioned, believe that these are "normal" goals.

life is too good to eat so little!

I agree they don't know how tough it is and absolutely never realize what they say sounds bad...my hubby is the same, he can mean one thing and I hear it another way. I am doing this for myself and no one else and that is the way you need to think about it. At the end of the day what is going to make you happy is what is important...Stay strong and lean on all of us here on fitday, we know and feel the same pain. I have even a hard time talking to my best friend about it, cuz she weighs about a buck twenty and doesn't know what I am going through.

Thanks for the empathy, everyone :) I honestly didn't know if I was being too sensitive. It's so good to come here and know I won't be judged for it.

Dad has a host of health problems - Type 2 diabetes, coronary artery disease (He had a triple bypass 2 years ago) and emphysema. Lifestyle of eat, drink, and be merry (and smoking 2 packs unfiltered a day... though he did quit 11 years ago). After he had his bypass he seemed to finally take his health seriously - he lost about 40-50 lbs. and was eating better.... but then he tore a muscle in his bicep, and he's back to not giving a hoot :( He's always been a big "pusher" in terms of telling me to go "harder, better, faster, stronger." I love my Dad, and I figured it was coming from the same place that it did when he told me that getting an A- on a test wasn't good enough ;)

I was more surprised at BF, simply because the comment was very out of character.

rmdaly: 140 is totally my healthy range - fitday says my healthy range is 110-150 I believe (I can't remember if I entered my height as 5'4" or 5'5" since I'm smack in the middle...) And ha, you're right. Men do toss out opinions on things they know nothing about.... sometimes I wish I had so much guts! And as for the smoothies -- I had to train him. It took about two weeks, but now? Totally worth it. I get out of the shower, and there it is! :D

Julia: Ah, if only things were ideal... and you're so devious! Next time someone mentions it I'll say "WELL, you knoooowwwww, about weight loss and proper weights...." I love it! You're so right, it was a personal goal. I thought about it for a good three days before I committed, I remember. I like setting smaller goals too -- and it's funny, getting below 200 was awesome and also slightly scary in a way. Is it weird to say that knowing I can actually do it means there's no more excuses? >.>

almeeker: Oh man. Thank you for having the guts to say what I could not. I totally agree with you, I think that the 110-115 number is etched into BFs mind by all those celebrities and such talking about how they are SO FAT OMG at 130 or so. I'm sure their pressure for perfect bodies must be intense, but I also believe that he thinks it's some sort of ideal that I fear I'll never meet. It took me a long time to accept my boobs and butt. I don't need the insecurity of knowing I'll never look like Fergie, or something. I think 140 will fit me like a glove.

kag: Your best friend sounds like my sister, who is about 5'2" and weighs somewhere in the neighborhood of 105-110 lbs. Eats a cheeseburger and loses a pound, we all know the type! She's actually been super-duper-crazy supportive though...except whenever she calls herself 'fat' I want to whack her with a pan! The obsession with numbers... it's crazy.

One of my best friends weighs roughly 300 lbs, so my dieting has been a little weird for her. She's inspired by my loss, but at the same time it's hard for her to talk to me about doing the same thing for herself. One good thing that has happened is that she's discovered that her thyroid doesn't function well, hence the 300lbs.

You were wise to start this thread. It show again how much support is available here. It is possible your father and BF have no clue what 110 pounds would look like on your frame. I find many people can't guess anywhere near what someone weights. Maybe you should have your bf limit his calories to those you would need to maintain 110 pounds and see what he thinks. One of the important things is finding a weight you can maintain. 30 pounds means about 450 less calories allowed. My goal this time is to get to a healthy weight I can maintain.

Your BF sounds supportive. Maybe he just needs to know all the variables in your decision and that a fixed number on the scales is the worst goal you could have. Too many times we set ourselves up for failure by not recognizing where our body should be. Mary

Two things came to mind when I read your post, Terri.

First, I truly believe that you won't know your goal weight until you get there. It's good to have a number in mind to work toward, though, but keep in mind that it can change once you see what it "looks like" and how you feel when you are there.

One of the websites I read refers to a "feel good weight." I like that term. It's the weight where you're comfortable with your body but don't feel like you're so vigilant on eating that you don't enjoy life. The only way to know what that is is to be there and realize it. So make sure your guys know that you can't give a definitive answer on your goal yet, like you've already done.

Second, it may help to reinforce to them that you're doing this for your health. Yes, fitting into cute clothes and looking good on the beach is a bonus, but being healthy is the best motivator. So it might be helpful to point out to them that you are striving to be healthy, not to be "the best," "the thinnest," "at the extreme end of the range," etc. It's not a competition. It's all about you and where you feel comfortable.

If all else fails, just tell them that a goal weight is like picking out underwear. Only you know when it feels good, only you know when it's not right, and you'd rather pick it yourself than have someone else do it for you :D

Thanks, Cassie. I totally agree with you. I have no idea what I look like healthy, or what I FEEL like healthy. Numbers are more guidelines anyway, right?

Ooh, I like the term "feel good weight" too. It's funny, about a week ago BF had mentioned things like "I bet you're looking forward to the day where you can have a bowl of chips and not have to think about it." And I totally am. I'm sure losing that vigilance will be an adjustment, but it was a good image to have in my head.

If it comes up again, I will mention my health, too. I started that way, and I should always remind that that is the ultimate goal!

Last night, I think BF sensed my hurt vibe or something, as I got a range of compliments on my appearance and encouragement for having a kick-ass workout. I haven't yet laid out that yes, my feelings were hurt - but my instincts are to not beat a dead horse if he sensed it and made good amends. The compliments felt nice, and by the end the hurt feeling was gone, so I felt there was no sense in bringing it back up.

Thank you all sooooo much for the support. I really needed to vent and feel validated!

It sounds like you had good reasons for picking the goal you did. Then, whatever your thinking, that goal was 'rejected' by people whose opinion you value (and whose support you appreciate).

I'd just have one response when someone said that to me: 'That goal suits me because what I know about this process is that it is hard. I know what I can do and what I can handle. When I get to the goal I have set, I want to enjoy it. If I want to lose more, it will probably be just as hard and I'm the one doing the work. If it turns out to be easier, then as much work as it's going to be, I'll enjoy making the next goal. This is work, not fun.'

In that context, it kind of sounds like both these men in your life are supervising your 'work' and that's what's so annoying. It's you, not them, who are losing the weight and doing the hard things. As long as you are strong in the knowledge that it IS you, and not them, who are pulling this train, you can do it any way you want, as much as you want, and however you want!

110 would probably be unhealthy for you and possibly unattainable without some extreme measures. Gwenyth Paltrow is 5'" and 110 lb, and she achieved that body for the movie Ironman I think. She had to live on stuff like spinach smoothies and green tea for weeks at a time, consuming about 700 cal a day and doing extreme workouts. I have to believe she suffered from blackouts. Now I doubt very seriously your menfolk want you to go through all that. Take care of yourself. This is not about a magic number or about how others perceive you - it is about you feeling better and living longer. Your guys will understand as time goes by, but don't walk around shocked that they have misconceptions. No offense, but sometimes guys just don't get it.

One of the reasons why people yo-yo is that they set their weight goal too low. Since you started well in the obese BMI category, it is perfectly reasonable to aim for 140lb, get there and stay at that weight for a year or two, and then see if you want to lose some more.

congrats on your weight loss....i am almost same height and starting weight as you were....how did you lose it if you dont mind me asking?? just beggining here and need the advice!!

I think that your bf and your dad have gone to a place that no man should. Talking about weight between women and men if very tricky. It sounds like they intended the best as they see that you are more capable than what you see yourself capable of. Anyway I think you shouldn't care what the scale says and go by how you feel.

jj: Too true, and I'm so guilty of saying I was, for example, 160 lbs. when I was really 180. I think the concept of the numbers means little to men, who just have a "benchmark number" and no clue about what it really looks like. Good point!

Kathy: I love that attitude! It's up to ME to do the work and them to support, and that's it! No more construction-worker supervising (how many dudes DOES it take to dig a hole, anyway?)

Muna: Too true, and that's why I picked a goal towards the top range of my healthy weight. It felt doable, whereas even 130 I was wincing in my head. 140 just feels right, for all the right reasons, and I want to really give it a shot.

VTC: Thanks for the encouragement. If either of them try to lose weight and have troubles, I'll try not to say "I told you so" too hard ;)

Thanks! And welcome! Having a bit of a bad week this week, but that's how it goes...

I've tried a few things to lose it, but my main goals as of right now are these:

1) Try to achieve a 7,000 calorie deficit every week through eating and exercising
2) Drink as much water as I can stomach (it's usually between 96 and 112 oz. a day)
3) Try to keep up my protein
4) Stagger my calories... that is, one day eat a high-calorie day (between 1400 and 1600) and then for a day or two have low cals (under 1200) -- for some reason doing it this way seems to help my metabolism.
5) Do HIIT training 2-3 times a week -- that stands for high-intensity interval training, meaning I'll push myself really hard on the machine for a minute, and then go slower, and then back up to pushing as hard as I can, etc. I'd suggest looking it up if you're interested though, because I built myself to the point I am now, of one minute on, one minute off for 60 minutes.

However, though, those are MY goals, and your mileage may vary. I've been tweaking for about three months now, and I've only had this set of goals in place for 2-3 weeks as they seem to be working. Everyone needs to figure out what's best for THEM :) My goals 3 months ago when starting out were very very different - I'm pretty sure at that point I was just trying to exercise twice a week, and getting myself used to a different diet. Starting slowly, with gradual changes, may help you :)