You know what? Shame and guilt are the undoing of all of our best intentions. Here's what I suggest: It is a party... a little cake isn't a big deal. Just keep the serving small.

Instead of telling yourself what you "won't eat" and then feeling bad when you can't meet your expectations. Tell yourself what you "will eat".

I will eat 6 oz of chicken.
I will eat quinoa instead of white rice
I will eat 2 eggs for breakfast
I will eat a whole ton of steamed veggies for lunch.

You get the idea. I am guessing that the shame and guilt is causing you a whole lot more anxiety about food than is really warrented. Food is good, not the enemy. We just need to adjust our food selections and portions sizes and then celebrate all the good things about sharing a meal with those we love. ;)

Thanks Pam. Feel free to write any time. I am appreciate all advices. TO have an open journal is helping me to figure out why I am struggling. I have been really struggle in this time around. Thanks for your supporting. "good food choices " is my weakness. I should think more positively.
I have try to plan out 1200cals a day, But I can't stick to it. Seem very little for me. On the other hand 1500 doesn't make the scale move on my favor. Especially I did not work out too much.
I have figure out that I am not honest with myself. I have eaten a few bite here and there not on my plan. Does that really make a different? Yes, I think.
I tend to over my cals budget 200-300. So if I planed 1200, I am close to 1400. If I plan 1500, I am close to 1700. I think I should plan for 1200 from now on so if I am over board 200 I still 1400. I know this sounds crazy, right?
Why shouldn't I just honest with myself? Doesn't that make things much simpler? Why don't I just go down to business? I did it before. Why this time is so hard? I don't know.
A family reunion coming up in 2 weeks. I know the food choices will be bad. I am already scared. I really need a plan to at least maintain what I have. I am sure I can't lose weight in vacation. I also need to buy some clothes. I can't fit in my summer clothes.

Today is another day, 1200 that is.

So, My husband and the kids will hike through the wood to McDonnals. I stay behind. I don't think I am strong enough to choose something like fruit snack instead of bagel with sausage egg and cheese, or biscuit with fried chicken (my favorite). I felt a bit lonely because we always together on Sunday morning.
But I make myself a fried egg with 3 second spray oil and 1oz of Ham. Later I can have some papaya.

I need to stay away from bad stuff for now.

The day is end. Not 1200, not 1400. It's 1660.

Keep your chin up. Things will get better. :)

Thanks Mad,
Just have to be patience and keep your ground. It's will come slowly. I have to remind me that I didn't gain all back over night. It took me 8-9 months to gain all this. I need to allow at least that long to take off. End of May will be 3 months since I started.
What a day I have today. I found out that my daughter has lice. So disgusting, she got like a million of them in her head. I spend the whole day wash all the sheets and treated her head, her brother head, and mine. Calories wise is good.
Today is a good day. I didn't eat as plan however, I end the day with 1260. Very good I supposed. I will be in bed early so no more cals.

141.6 this morning. Only 1lb more to my lowest. Hopefully I will see that number at the end of the week. Below 140 when I go on a family reunion.

Good for you, Lastri. You really are sticking with it. Congrats on your accomplishment.

hmmm, it looks like the more distracted you are, the less you are focused on food - pretty common. Maybe you just need a couple of new hobbies;)

So True. I am got distracted and totally forget the food. I need to keep busy.