Jumping in the deep end

Old 11-07-2010, 12:23 AM
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Default Jumping in the deep end

Hello everyone, I've hesitating posting anything, because I did not want to admit to anyone that I'm having trouble. A few years ago, I signed up for fitday.com, and every year since, I make a few half-hearted attempts at change. Well, change I have -- when I first logged in, I was a whopping 190+. That number frightened me enough that I was sure I would do something about it.

Skip ahead a few years later, I am about 215+... and more than guilt, I feel shame. I often stay up late at night, after my husband (a solid 170#) has gone to bed, and I eat stuff I would never eat in front of him. It's like I'm night binging. During the summer, I'd lost a few pounds... but as soon as someone noticed the loss, and commented on it, I started night binging again.

I was one of those people who never put on weight, I was active to a fault. Before having my child, I was in the best shape of my life... my daughter is 8, and I feel like I'm spiraling.

This is not what I want.

My husband has offered to help me, he's wonderful like that. But, I need help from people who are not my husband. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and I want to cry. Physically, I'm not even close to the woman he married. I try to explain to him that I'm not comfortable in my skin, but I don't think he really gets it.

What can I do. How can I get out of this hole. I feel so out of sync...

Any advice?
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Old 11-07-2010, 12:44 AM
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Lexanew, first of all welcome to the forum and just by being here it is obvious you want something better for yourself so good for you! Secondly, boy do I know how you feel! It is a terrible feeling not to be comfortable in your own skin and sadly I know it all too well. I can also really relate to not wanting to be seen eating. I have always done all of my overeating in secrecy too.

Everyone's path is different so in terms of advice, the best I can give you is telling you that you will have to find what works best for you and only you. In my case, I needed to get myself a good therapist because I know that my overeating is directly related to my emotions. When I am feeling bad, unhappy, sad, stressed, anything negative, I turn to food as solace or maybe it's just temporary distraction. Anyway, I have found that getting to the root of why I became compulsive around food in the first place has helped me a lot.

Another thing that helped me, is to make a conscious and concerted effort to stop beating myself up mentally. I was hurling terrible insults to myself inside my own head and while it is very difficult to stop that, I have made a daily effort to appreciate things about myself and say something nice every day.

I also think that logging everything I eat has been extremely helpful so this site is wonderful for that. I have learned from members here to keep my protein intake over 30% and keep the carbs below 150 grams per day and that has worked for me. I am also pretty sure that if it wasn't for this forum and for the amazing people here, I may have fallen off the wagon weeks ago. So keep checking in, getting motivation from the people here who understand you better than anyone.

You're right about your husband. Although he sounds like a great guy, it's hard to get help from someone who does not undestand the weight battle personally.

It's also been super helpful to me, to find an activity that I actually like and can stick to. I thought I'd be the last person on Earth to find any pleasure in running but lo and behold I am a runner now! I followed the "Couch To 5K" program which starts you out very slowly and has been successfully completed by several members here. We have all loved it. I can't even tell you how much I enjoy the "runner's high!" If you ask me it's the best form of exercise there is! I truly hope that you find something that you like just as much!

Congratulations on making the all important first step. Just remember to take it one day at a time, be forgiving and kind to yourself and get all the help you can from the AWESOME people on this forum!

Last edited by mtlgirl; 11-07-2010 at 12:46 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 11-07-2010, 12:47 AM
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It's stil hard for me to wrap my brain around how big I was when I started. My thighs were rubbing together, my belly was in the way to polish my toes or shave my legs. I was a size 6 before the kids, used to walk for hours a day whenever I was bored, stressed, restless etc. But the kids don't walk as far or as fast as I want to go, and that got frustrating. Then I started having trouble with my joints, and the pain kept me from sleeping. It wasn't until 2 years of doctor's visits to at least 4 specialists, 2 rounds of physical therapy, and finally admitting to myself that I needed medication to turn it around. I'm on celebrex, have been for nearly 2 years now, and probaby will be for life. I'm 36. I hate taking the pills, but without them it was such a struggle to just get through the day that adding a diet and exercise program was unthinkable. I couldn't even pick up my little boy some days. My husband is supportive, and he loves me very much, but he still doesn't "get" it as far as how I feel physically. Kind of rambling here, but I think the point is, sometimes we all need professional help, and even though it's a long and frustraing road sometimes to find what we need, it's worth the journey. Maybe you need to find out why you binge in secret and sabotage yourself when you do make progress? And don't think you're alone in that either. I could eat a whole pound of nuts or an entire block of cheese in a single sitting when everyone else is asleep, and when I was feeling really lousy, I would. Having kids too, I think sometimes we lose ourselves when there's so much that needs to be done for everyone else in the family.

Last edited by Lizzycritter; 11-07-2010 at 03:44 AM.
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Old 11-07-2010, 12:59 AM
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Welcome to the forum and congrats!! on taking the 1st step of posting and asking for help here.

As the others said, you need to find out why you do what you do.. binge, secret eating, sabotaging yourself etc. Professional therapy can help, but that has to be something you decide on. It doesnt help everyone.

The most important thing that helped me * besides the encouragement and support and the occasional butt kicking I get here* was to log every single thing I ate in the food log. 2nd thing was to start weighing everything I ate so I knew exactly how much I had. Doing that shocked me into reality of how much I was actually consuming.

Find a thread here in the forums and get to know the other posters.. they will be your help line and encouragement.

Personally, I think the women in the 100+ are the best anywhere!

This is much more than a diet, it is a lifestyle change, so good luck on your journey!
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Old 11-07-2010, 01:43 AM
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Every January for the last 20 some odd years, I've made it a New Year's resolution to lose weight. That really never worked past the end of Feb, mid-March at best. Do you know what did work? Deciding to make my New Year's resolution "get healthy" rather than "lose weight". It was pretty eye opening to discover that I weighed more than twice what I should and had a BMI that landed me squarely in the "morbidly obese" end of the spectrum. I'm a mom, and I want to live long enough to meet my great grandbabies. Given that our oldest is 9, I've got to live a good long while yet in order to do that. Also as a mom I want my kids to have healthy habits as well, so they don't have to battle the fat like I've had to, and the best way to teach them is by example.
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