What my husband did . . .

Old 10-07-2010, 05:27 PM
  #11  
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thank you for all of your responses. I need it so much!! it means so much to me and really helps me feel some relief.

i'm definitely still up in the air for how to approach this but what I hope to do is stand my ground in a calm and clear manner in writing. I don't know if I'll get her the silly coconut oil or not. I will still be pleasant but not anything more than that. I will go away every weekend and I will suggest that if she wants to talk about this we get a 3rd person involved to mediate.

I will try to spend all of my time at home reading books or internet, not sitting on the couch with her.

Also, I will *try to continuously remind myself of how my life is really pretty good, this is just a drop in the bucket, things could be worse and I really have a lot to be grateful for. I can't let this prevent me from enjoying life.

I read these 7 axiom's of life from a website and I am repeating some of these to myself to get me through this. Here they are if they help anyone else:
1. You are exactly where you are supposed to be
2. Fear and pain are lifeís greatest teachers
3. Laughter and play are the keys to the fountain of youth
4. Exercise and rest are the keys to vibrant health
5. Touch and intimacy are basic human needs
6. Everything is impermanent
7. Everything is connected
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Old 10-07-2010, 06:02 PM
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I've had a few roomies from hell, and one thing I've learned is that it takes much less energy to admit to something than it does to defend yourself against a lunatic. So if she brings up the coconut oil incident again, just say (with a smile) "yes it's all my fault, now let's move on". Clearly she wants a confrontation, some people are wired to seek it or have just lived so long in a constant stage of abrasion they can't function without it. So when she's ready to battle it out, deny her the opportunity. If you won't take the bait, you can't be a victim. The other thing you might consider is wearing headphones all the time and spending your off-hours at the gym working out. All that aggravation and frustration should make excellent workout fuel, especially if you do any sort of boxing/kick boxing workout. Make your stress work for you rather than against.
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Old 10-07-2010, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by blackrhino2 View Post
ok, i totally need to vent--but please offer advice too. last night my roommate went on a rampage about how i stole her coconut oil. she was screaming at me, my heart was racing but I kept calm and kept explaining that I didn't steal her coconut oil, just like I did last week when she brought up the same issue. she is so scary! i don't want to see her...and yet I have to.

i don't know if any of you are readers of the 5-15 pound club but I wrote about it there last week and I thought it was over, but it's not! i am now back to thinking I should buy her a bottle of coconut oil bc I don't know what else to do--altho I'm pretty sure living with her will be miserable no matter what. She called me some really nasty names last night: like screaming that I was a liar numerous times!

I am shocked about this whole fiasco bc I feel like I have gone out of my way to be a considerate roommate. Annie is a debbie-downer, she hates school, her research, and she has a very limited circle of friends bc she is no fun to be around. I have really tried to be kind to her and try to point out the positives, and be there for her when she complains everyday about how much she hates everything here. It's absolutely draining and I feel like her therapist or something bc I just come home from school and listen to her whine. and I'm always trying to show her the positive side/lift up her spirits. So this is how she treats me? She doesn't believe me when I'm telling her the truth? Give me a break!!! she is supposed to graduate at the end of December. I am really hoping this happens. 9 more weeks together....i can make it..right?

my idea of a solution: write her a letter and tape it to the coconut oil. I will once again explain that I didn't use her coconut oil (it is half gone and she says she only used it once...i never remember it being full and I used it once and she knew about that time bc we were home together and cooking together). after I do this she will still be nasty. i just know it. she is unforgiving and apparently a bit crazy.

my biggest issues are mornings and evenings. i am trying to spend more time at the gym and at school. i have to see her though and i just feel such tension. i was saying hello, good morning, etc to her and she just says them back in an angry tone--or doesnt say anything. i have always been the first one to say good morning to her bc i basically try to kill her with kindness as she's never been that great of a roommie. this morning i said nothing. she didn't say anything either. it was sooooo awkward. i hate living like this. i can't not talk for the next 9 weeks! ughh.
ROOMATE ISSUES CAN MAKE YOU HATE LIFE!! I know, I've had about 30 of them since college -- I always needed them to help with bills until I was about 32. I'm so sorry. Can you get OUT of the situation? Can you request a transfer to another room (sounds like this is a college situation). It doesn't sound like sitting down for a reasonable discussion would be something she'd be willing to participate in. If not, just continue to kill her with kindness, be firm and calm whenever she raises her voice and state that it's unnacceptable for her to speak to you that way -- and find good friends where you can crash on occasion? I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Old 10-08-2010, 06:18 PM
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Hi guys,
I think the roomie situation may be getting more bearable soon. I bought her the coconut oil and left it on the kitchen table, after she had already left for school. I attached a note that read:
Annie,
I understand you are under a lot of stress with your dissertation coming due soon. Maybe all that stress has clouded your judgment and made you accuse me of such things as taking your coconut oil when I truly have not taken it, other than the one time we spoke of. It is completely out of my control if you believe me or not. I hope you choose to believe me since I know I am being honest with you. Maybe one day you can apologize for accusing me of something I did not do. In the meantime, I bought you more coconut oil in hopes that we don't live in such tension over the next few weeks. I hope the next 8-9 weeks we have together, before you move out, are not a miserable time for us and that we can have peace in the house, which is what I want and will work towards.

Sincerely,
Julia

*Note, I doubt she will never apologize and it will majorly piss her off that I even included that in the letter..but whatever I wanted to say it!

Good news: the girl above me is looking for a roommate right now, and I think she is very nice! My plan is to wait it out another week, see how Annie treats me during this time--if she'll talk to me or just continue to stop around and be angry. If she continues to be rude and unpleasant than I will move upstairs! If she is pleasant than I won't create added drama and I will stick it out through December. Then it's FREEDOM!!!!!!! I feel such relief just to know I have an option to move out--something a lot of you guys mentioned.

Thank you Almeeker and Brandismom for your advice. Almeeker, I agree, if I had just said "yes, it's all my fault" then she prob would have been satisfied. I will try to be the bigger person and get good at doing this...but at the moment I think I am way to stubborn to give in.
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:07 AM
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Hey Julia, i'm hoping the roommate situation has cooled down already, and i'm glad you now have te opton of moving upstairs with a nicer person! i think maybe let the other girl know what you're thinking, and ask her to hold the place availablefor a week or so, until you know if you're moving or not. Anyway, like you, i can not ever admit to something that i didn't do, no matter what the situuation, it might cool off the situation, but only on a temporary basis, things will come up again and everytime you have to take the blame? not fair and not right! just my opinion!
anyway, i've reached my goal weight and i feel on top of the world, but hubby thinks i have lost too much weight. he says i've become too boney! don't think it's the case, but that's what he thinks. i'm a pixie size girl, only 5 feet and 125 lbs is still good enough, not too low, my range is 94 lbs to 128 and i'm not too far from the max for my height. i don't know how to feel about his comments! any idea?
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:07 PM
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Julia, I really liked the "before you move out" part
Farah, I think just stick to your guns and tell him you're happy where you're at, he'll just have to adjust to the new you. My sister is 5 feet and 3/4 inches tall (that 3/4 is very important to her) and 98 lbs, and is quite the toothpick, she's got a ballerina type body. I think 125 on your frame sounds pleasantly curvy.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:07 PM
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Hi Lizzie, it's silly, i needed support to lose the extra weight and now seems i need support to fight negative feedbacks and stay in my healthy range too! Thank you for your supporting words, i do also think i'm curvey enough but it just gets to me anytime he makes a negative comment about my body!
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:17 PM
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I think 125 sounds about right for a pixie sized girl. I'm actually a teeny bit shorter and have been shooting for 120, but I've been stuck so long in the 150's I would take 125 in a hot second. I guess my first question about the hubby would be is he overweight? Is it possible he wants you to be a little overweight with him?
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Old 10-10-2010, 11:14 PM
  #19  
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Just catchin' up on all your drama, Julia...wow, you have really been through it. I also had a difficult roommate in grad school and I know it can be pretty awkward. I think you handled it very well attempting to make peace but reiterating that you are not the one at fault here. I hope things are better by now; if not, maybe you can exercise your option to move. Just remember, you can't change crazy, or anyone else, for that matter, so do what you can on your end and let the rest of it go to the extent that it's possible.

Farah, I think it's common to be on the defensive about successfully losing, although it's a bummer that some comments have to come from your hubby. In addition to almeeker's point, whether or not yours is pudgy himself, it may simply be that this is a new change he's trying to get used to. By and large, people resist change, even when it's positive sometimes. He may also be feeling threatened (consciously or unconsciously) that you might be more appealing to other guys at this point. The bottom line, though, is that you did this for you, and at the end of the day, that's who has to be happy with it. Say this to yourself: "I am going to gain a few pounds back to make my husband happy." Now, wasn't that silly sounding? You sound like you are really healthy and healthy is attractive...and he'll get used to it.
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Old 10-11-2010, 02:44 AM
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Julia, I am sorry you are having a roommate from hell!

I agree to let the girl upstairs know what you are thinking and ask her to hold it ( unless you jump at the offer, which is what I would do) and here's why.

Your roommate might be temporarily appeased by the new bottle of oil but 9 weeks is a longgggg time. And there is nothing saying that tomorrow she could find something else to cause problems about.

To me, this is no different than an abused wife or child. And even though it quiets down for a little while, the abuser (even if it "only" verbal abuse) will keep escalating out of control, and you need to get out of the situation. Save yourself the energy of trying to keep the peace for the next 9 weeks! The other thought is, even after she is gone ( hopefully in December) there is no garantee the next roomie will be any better or worse. You might as well go to a roomie that you think is nice and save the aggrevation. The opportunity to get a nice roommate may not come along again if the situation doesnt improve.

As everyone else said, dont let her words and perceptions take you off course at bettering your own life! You are a valuable person and worth all the goodness that can come your way!
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