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traceymc1985 05-08-2010 11:45 PM

Pushing love away
Right im going to be really honest here because i need some help. Ive been with a fantastic man for 5 years. He helped me escape my unhappy relationship and took on my kids when they were just 3 and 18 months. He has helped me feel like a woman and find the real me. I was 17st when i met him and he made me feel amazing, he still does now im 12st 4lbs.
The problem is ive lost my confidence- i seemed to have more when i first met him not loads but a bit more. I just dont feel attractive and im finding it really hard to be myself in the bedroom! He feels i dont love him anymore but i do loads and i keep telling him to meet somebody gorgeous he deserves who is sexy and slim-not wobbly with cellulite and stretch marks. He doesnt want to leave me and says im perfect for him. I just dont love myself like he loves me. He is really good looking and i dont know how i managed to get him. I feel too lucky to have him-he could be with any woman he wants. Everything about him is perfect-looks and hes a real gent-the perfect partner and father to my children. Why do i keep pushing him away? Im acting like a total idiot but i dont feel good enough no matter how hard he tries to tell me im everything he wants and more. Im really finding alot out about myself and i realise that even though ive lost weight i still have the body issues. Since dieting its like ive taken more notice to the bits that i used to ignore and noticed just where all the problem areas are. Please help me-im losing a bit of myself as each day passes.

Lizzycritter 05-09-2010 12:59 AM

I think this is a common problem for us as we lose weight. We think everything's going to be better, all our problems will just melt away as the poulds melt off. Well, it doesn't work like that. The fat insulates us from life. It goes away and all the other problems are still there, in fact they're more apparent because they're not covered up under a layer of fat. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, except to say you certainly aren't the only one who's ever felt this way. There's got to be a reason why you don't like yourself, and it has nothing to do with your weight. If you can afford it, counseling could help you find the root of the problem. It won't be easy, but you DO have value, you ARE worth having this wonderful man in your life, and you CAN lose the weight, keep it off, and learn to love yourself. I know this because we all have value, we all are worth loving, and everyone is capable of learning and self improvement. It's hard to step outside ourselves and see how others see us, but your man loves you and your kids love you, so for their sake, you have to love yourself too.

wannabefitgrl 05-09-2010 01:18 AM

Does he know about the body issues, aside from you telling him to find someone in better shape? I've found he's the only person who knows how hard I'm working and listens to me when I'm ranting about the darn cookie I ate. But he's equally as excited to hear me talk about dropping a dress size, and I'm actually comfortable telling him my weight now.

If all you say is true, he obviously loves you and just remind yourself of that. Tell him you need support. My boyfriend leaves me notes and this guy could do that for you. example: "lost over 5 stone, go hot mama!" I know it seems silly, but little bits of encouragement when you least expect it is lovely.

And like critter said, if it's really a problem, maybe think about couseling or seeing a dietican/nutritionist; someone who will understand how you feel. Hang in there, find yourself, love yourself, and be happy!

traceymc1985 05-09-2010 01:18 AM

This is exactly what i tell myself. I hide all this from other people and my partner and kids are the only ones who see me upset which isnt fair on them. I am trying though. The reason i feel im like this is because every relationship ive been in (just a couple) and all the boys at school (some girls) have called me fat for a long time and this has stuck with me all my life. I suppose i find it difficult to believe that he doesnt deep down feel like that too. I do talk to him alot and he understands how i feel. Im thankful he doesnt get frustrated and is very patient with me. But i didnt want to drive him insane so i found fitday to help. Talking to others outside my everyday life may help to sort out little things in my head. You members always have the right words. Ive been treat very badly in past and this did a great deal of harm to my self-esteem. This did go away but has returned and i see myself in a whole different light. Im much more hard on myself and find faults much easier. I dont mean to be so depressive i am a really fun person at times just not as often. Im determined to work it out though. We've had 5 great years and im not throwing him or myself away just yet!!! Thankyou for listening

traceymc1985 05-09-2010 01:27 AM

He does all the lovely surprises and he is great with encouragement when i lose some weight. Always tells me how fantastic i am and perfect. I do believe him-hes been with me everyday for 5years and in ways we are stronger and closer. Im totally comfortable telling him my weight even if i put on. Hes my world but i understand that its my issues thats driving the wedge. I just dont know how to get rid of the negative judgements i have of myself. When i type this it sounds really like-wheres the problem but its just one of them things that once its in my head its hard to shift.

almeeker 05-09-2010 02:28 AM

I think you need to do something completely proactive about your self-esteem. As women we get wrapped up in our appearance and tend to focus on that as part of our self worth. But what about doing something completely unrelated to appearance to boost yourself up? Something that makes you feel strong and brave and powerful. Like take up martial arts, or train for a 5K or learn to do something you've always dreamed of. For me I would love to learn to play an instrument I can sing along with, maybe the piano or guitar, and someday I would like to get a pilot's license. Think of something that has nothing to do with body image, beauty or weight loss and tackle it.

I've been heavy most of my life, but I'm a darned interesting and talented person, and I'll be you are too. So think about it, maybe you need to plant a fabulous rose garden or write book for your children, or redecorate your living room. I also think if you can't manage to refocus some of that negativity that counseling is in order.

On the flip side I would also recommend that while you work on the "non appearance side" you get yourself a complete make-over, right down to the knickers. I can't tell you how fantastic it felt to wear a brand new dress, new jewelry, new shoes, and a new hair style to my cousin's wedding last weekend. It was like breaking out of a cocoon, and emerging as a beautiful butterfly.

traceymc1985 05-09-2010 02:22 PM

Great Advice
Thankyou that sounds like something i really need to think about. Like you said taking the focus of just my appearance will help me lose that obsessive side and maybe ill notice the weight come off easier cos im not thinking about it as much.
You women really know what your talking about-its all the councelling i need!
I do feel slightly better today though me and my fella were out doing the front garden together and we doing the back tomorrow. It really helped take away my thoughts of weight for the couple of hours we were busy mowing and digging. Good exercise too! Also its that time of the month now and i feel alot less emotional. Its also helped me shift 2lbs. Im now 12st 3lbs and im sat thinking "Tracey look how far ive come and how well im looking compared to this time last year"-if i keep telling myself that then hopefully i begin to think it for real! I will get there-thankyou for all the support!

cjohnson728 05-09-2010 06:00 PM

Hi Tracey, I just wanted to throw in my two cents. I noticed your statement that the support on here is all the counseling you need. The support on here is terrific but it is VERY different from professional counseling. You may have some deep issues that are related to self-esteem and why you became overweight in the first place (many, many of us do), and those can't be resolved just by posts on a message board. I don't know you personally and I can't tell you that you do or don't need counseling, but I just wanted to offer a "professional" opinion that, while this support is out of this world, it is not a substitute for the gains you can make by meeting with a trained therapist. It is like comparing apples to oranges. You have gotten and will continue to get wonderful advice, strategies, and cheering on here; counseling would dig at the emotional root of the problem rather than focusing on day to day. In combination, counseling and support here would likely produce lasting change for you. You are already taking the first step by figuring out the patterns you have that you want to change and you would probably be very successful in therapy. Good luck! :)

farahb7 05-09-2010 07:55 PM

Tracy sweet heart, reading your post broke my heart!:(

even though i might not know you as a person, based on your posts i know you are a loving and caring person, a proud mother(Happy Mother's Day by the way), very motivated( look how far you have come) and so on.
i do agree with almeeker suggesting to set yourself some goals other than weight loss, also, i do not know how religious you might be, but praying also takes a load off your mind, it does work for me, so maybe give it a try.

counselling also could be a good idea, so keep that in mind as well. and remeber you are the most important person in your childrens and partner's life, so value and love yourself, you sure are worthy of all the love they give you. since we are fitday buddies you are very important to me as well. take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing.

traceymc1985 05-09-2010 08:55 PM

Hello everyone once again the messages being sent to me are leaving me with a lump in my throat. Just the sincerity and genuine care actually makes me feel worthy as a person. It also brings to light that there are other people out there other than my fiancee and children that care! That im figuring may have been one reason i got the way i did-its hard to take on so much love when ive never felt it before. In a way it was really overwhelming when me and Rich got together i didnt believe i could be loved the way he loves me. This is not an exagerated post-as alot of woman know that when TRUE love comes to us its totally mindblowing! Even the small things like making me a cup of tea or buying me a magazine made me think-is this for real, am i really worth all this! I honestly cannot think of a reason why i hated myself so much to feel like this other than without going into detail ive been victim of domestic violence. At 18 and having a baby and another at 20, this was hard to deal with and i know that i wasnt worth being treat this way and i have dealt with them demons,but maybe not so much as i thought. This is i think why my super fiancee is so patient with me(he heloed me to escape) yeah its been 5 and a half years since that time in my life but of course it still has an affect on me. Maybe counceling would help me overcome my past once and for all. The getting fat was subject to comfort eating-being unhappy and hating my appearence i ate more and more!! Thankyou again for the kindness xx

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