Emotions and Excercise ... lets discuss .... (candid)
 

you know i came to understand this morning, as I do every morning, that everytime i go out to do something physical - i feel ashamed - as if i should be terribly embarassed about my size - my looks - my appearance-

i weigh 388lbs - my neighbour this morning asked me why i felt i needed to lose weight - he thought i was very pretty - bless him -

made my day, however seeing past that - when i got home i just felt like crying.

crying because the emotions i feel are ones of forcing myself to accept the change im forcing myself thru.

Often I keep waiting for someone to call out "you fat cow - or you fat pig "

and yet it hasnt happened yet - its all in my head - however more importanlty - hwats also in my head is that i should not be feeling the emotions of feeling embarrased, shame, guilt .......

I keep feeling like i should push those feelings aside and just "live with it"

but ...... i think this is where the key to the emotional transition in my mind is taking place - this is often the place where people who are losing weight or have lost weight never visit in their minds - the emotional check in point where the surface of just "determination" cannot last - hence why people start eating again.

am i making any sense? do i sound like im brainstorming? well i am!

any clarity ... someone? :D

"crying because the emotions i feel are ones of forcing myself to accept the change im forcing myself thru."

I'm wondering why do you feel you are 'forcing' yourself to make the change?

What I think you're describing is being uncomfortable in your own skin. I've heard people talk about that a lot, but even at my heaviest I really didn't think I had that same feeling, but as I've lost weight I definitely think I must have had it, and a pretty severe case too. For the first summer in my adult life I'm wearing tank tops, seriously before this summer the last time I went sleeveless in public was in a bridesmaid gown at my brother's wedding in 2000, and that dress was of course selected by my skinny skinny sister-in-law. And let me just say - it was a bit of a traumatic experience.

I do think you have to get over your fear of having people shout insults at you, especially since it's never happened. This journey is about you, not others. And seriously if someone feels the need to shout insults at a woman riding a bicycle, what does that say about their own self esteem? I used to feel very self conscience at the gym. Like I should stick to the "easy" side of the workout room and not attempt free weights and such (where all the big muscle people hang out). But I've gotten over that completely.

Last night for some crazy reason it was huge hulking bulking muscle night at the gym. I'm doing PT on a bum shoulder so my upper body workout is with small hand weights and abs, but I did the whole routine right there with all the heavyweights anyway. And do you know what? One of the really super buff guys leaned over and said "so who's your physical therapist?". I was totally shocked and so I just blurted out "is it that obvious?". And he ended up telling me all about his rotator cuff surgery and how that got him started in body building. It wasn't flirting or anything, just conversation to make the workout time go by a little faster. So there I was, with this really great looking muscle bound guy talking to me like I was just any other normal human trying to get in shape. And do you know why? Because that's exactly what I am, and it's exactly what you are too.

There ain't no shame in working out, so you just do it. Truthfully pigs and cows are usually quite lean, they are just larger than humans. Maybe a way to combat the fear is to take ownership of it. I used to know a guy that had a shirt that read "Well I might be fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet". It's hard to pick on someone that has already told the joke. How about a workout tiara? Queen on a bicycle? Or workout shorts in cow print?

Hi Miss Devine! =)

I can relate to the emotions you expressed in your post. When I was younger, I did join a gym in hopes of getting in shape, but only used it a few times because I was really intimidated by all the 'skinnies' in their make-up (for working out???) and coordinated outfits, feeling self-conscious about keeping up and not fitting in.

But almeeker is right... it's about feeling comfortable in our own skin.

I think your neighbor is so sweet, and if only more people were like that and saw the beauty in everyone... because it is there.

But you are getting fit for your health & to feel better right? Good for you! I'm trying to do that myself.

Although, admittedly, I should be doing it more for my health than vanity reasons... but I am eagerly looking forward to clothes shopping in a non-plus sized section. :D

I am a pretty emotional person too, and I've always felt 'fear' more than 'shame' when it came to exercise & losing weight. It may sound crazy, but I'm worried about looking & feeling worse as I get thinner. Insanity right?

Well, I think it's mostly because I've never been thin and it's that fear of the unknown that I'm experiencing.

I think having a support group, like FitDay, is a great outlet to share your thoughts -- and brainstorm, like you said, together -- to overcome those hurdles to success.

I'm proud of you for sharing & for doing it! Keep up the good work lady! *hugs*

Hope to read more from you soon.

Smoosh

@almeeker
That was a great post.

I just want say thank you, MissDevine for posting this thread. You have no idea how many people you may have helped by putting your feelings out here. I would also like to thank everyone else who shared so far. This is the very reason why this forum is an invaluable tool.

I can totally relate to you, MissDevine. I live in a relatively big city so when I go out running, I pass dozens of people along the way and always always always I am wondering if they are judging me or laughing at "the fat girl running." On an intellectual level I KNOW that the people who judge have serious self worth issues themselves and yet on an emotional level, I fear their judgement and when and if it does happen, it hurts.

To top it all off, I spend a lot of time in New York City and when I go running there, it is very likely that I will get cat calls. However I must say that usually the cat calls are something to the effect of "You go, Baby!" or "Mami, work that jello!" I get really red in the face when this happens and I feel ashamed but I try really really hard to pep talk myself out of that feeling immediately and I won't let those cat calls stand in my way of becoming the healthy person I deserve to be. Let them cat call, but don't let them stop you from doing anything you want to do because if they do, you will hand them your personal power and they dont deserve it.

While I have mastered the will to run in public I still have a problem with being seen in a bathing suit in public. My best friend is a person who is very comfortable in her own skin. She's Latina, with a voluptuous body, not thin, not fat but not perfect either. She's got some cellulite (like most every woman over 30) and she's got a few varicose veins but she is perfectly content going to the pool and lounging around in her swimsuit while I just cannot get up enough courage to do that. The saddest part is that I LOVE swimming but I deprive myself because of the shame I have over my body. I am working on this and I hope that I can get up that courage before the summer ends!

Thanks again for sharing your feelings. You totally make sense to me! ;)

Missdevine, I daresay you touched a nerve with this one, and in a good way!

You said something that I wanted to respond to, but before I jump in I want to say that I can relate to feeling self-conscious and embarrassed at the gym. I'm lucky in that my gym is pretty low-key and not usually too busy, but there are are plenty of musclebound people around. My feeling is that if someone is ignorant enough to even think, much less say, something to the effect of "Look at fattie go, she's so gross," who's the idiot in that situation? You are there making a positive change, and the other people at the gym are doing the same thing. I really do think that most people, if they think anything, would think "Hey, that person is doing something about being fat, good for them." The gym is a place for self-improvement and I'm inclined to think that most people at the gym are focused on themselves, not so much on those around them.

With that said, you mentioned that I keep feeling like i should push those feelings aside and just "live with it"
I don't think that feelings of self-hatred, embarrassment, shame, etc. are feelings that anyone should just live with, yourself included. I think you can tell yourself til you're blue in the face that what you are worth as a person is not determined by the number on the scale, and while that's very true, I think the way to really get rid of those feelings (at least the ones that relate to weight) is to do exactly what you're doing - make positive changes to improve your health and lifestyle. By making these changes, you're telling yourself through these actions that you are a worthwhile person, and you are worth every effort to be healthy. Also, the more you go to the gym, there will be more and more occurences where someone *doesn't* say anything mean to you, and I think just that alone will help you.

I guess there are fat people out there who honestly don't have an issue with their size/appearance, but I have yet to meet one, or be one of them. When I feel uncomfortable in my own skin or have a (intense) moment of self-loathing, I try to focus on what I'm doing right NOW, and not all the mistakes I made when I was eating garbage and gaining weight. If I'm trying to rationalize skipping a workout or otherwise procrastinate going to the gym, I think of the immensity of how much I hate those feelings of self-loathing and channel that to my feet and get my fata$$ to the gym. ;)

Thanks.

Since the cow print workout shorts occurred to me, I want some. I'm thinking shiny, tight and spandex. Who's with me? I definitely need a tiara for the gym, but I might have to settle for some sequins glued to my wrist weights, bling bling take that Wonder Woman...

mtlgirl, recently I got whistled at for the first time in YEARS, decades even. The whistler was very obviously drunk, and I'm probably old enough to be his mother, but still it was sort of startling and flattering on a primitive level. And as I ran past him and his friends, (who were booze cruising in rubber rings down the river), one of his buddies pipes up with "he's whistling and she's running away". And of course everybody cracked up over that one, even me. So think about that the next time you get cat called at.

Wow, I think I'm going to make myself a note that says just that and tape it to the coffee maker. I need a swift kick in the pants some days just to get that workout started. Once I get going I'm fine and I love it, but actually getting started is much harder than thinking about getting started...

LOL, I am so with you! I want my stretchy cow shorts now! :D
I think you may be on to something.

Maybe we can start a fitness group, along the lines of the Red Hat Ladies, and the attire would be tiaras & cow shorts!

http://www.moomookingdom.com/cow.jpg

Tahaha, glad to be of service! I'm the same way; once I'm movin' and groovin', I'm happy and enjoy it, but getting there is about 99% of the battle for me.

When I'm not in the mood to work out, or the kids are up at the buttcrack of dawn so I can't sneak out of the house, or the elliptical is kicking my arse, or the mommy guilt is kicking in, you know what I tell myself? "You ARE worth all this effort." Because it's true. And when you find yourself being negative, stop and tell yourself you're worth it. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when the bad thoughts come. Think about how many years you've had the bad habits, why would those change overnight? We all fall back into old habits and we have to put the effort in every day to keep from backsliding. Someone has a quote here that says "People say motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing, that's why it's recommended every day."

As for cat calls and people judging you for your appearance, those people are bullies. Bullies have no power over you unless you let them have it.

While I can't relate to approaching exercise from the larger side, I have experienced negativity from people being the skinny twig in the room. I can't count the number of times I've been glared at, watched pityingly, or edged out of an exercise machine by a bigger guy at the gym during high school and college.

You know what worked for me? Channeling all that self-doubt, loathing, fear, and jealousy into working harder, whether it was on the bike, on the pavement, or against the iron. You take what other people say about you as a challenge, as a dare... "just watch me, I'm going to be healthier/stronger/live longer/be better than you, in due time..."

Try it, it works wonders not only for motivation starting your workout, but you get a better, harder workout out of it, too. :)

You are soooo right, I used exactly that sort of mental exercise to tackle 6 semesters of calculus. I have dyslexia so while math concepts are easy for me to understand, accurately doing the homework is a much bigger problem. I once had a math teacher that laughed at me and said to my face there was no way I would ever become an architect because I was so lousy at math. Well guess what? I am an architect, and I passed through all my calculus requirements with flying colors. That's the sort of power you can get out of reversing negative energy.

So far I have never had any of the young bucks at my gym make fun of me, but I've decided that if I ever do, my response will be "and someday when you're married to a 40-something year old housewife, you'll be wishing she was in half the shape I'm in".

What wonderful responses!
 

I think it is important to understand that embarrassment, shame, and guilt, while negative feelings, are valid feelings. I like that you are working through them and not stuffing them. That is what keeps fat people fat, we are afraid to feel anything that is not pleasant.

In my opinion, it is ok, even better to feel embarrassment, shame and guilt if it moves you through the task. If you crumble every time you feel uncomfortable with your feelings then that is what you must deal with.

Kudos to you, your post made me think all day about how I feel when I workout outside. Many times I won't workout outside because I feel exactly as you described at the beginning of this thread.

Thank you

This whole thread is a gem of truths, insights and invaluable shared experience. I want to thank all of you who shared. This is the reason, this forum is such a great tool.

Missdevine, you really hit the nail on the head! I firmly believe that weight loss is 90% mental. Without feeling that you are worth the effort, nothing gets accomplished. The reason we have tried and failed in the past, is that we gave up on ourselves. Somewhere along the way, we run out of steam, we run out of motivation and we have only ourselves, and what goes on in our own head, to rely on. Sharing the experience with others who have been where we are and can say the words we can't always say to ourselves just may be the KEY difference between this time and all the other times!

Thank you thank you thank you, Everyone!

I agree that one of the biggest mental hurdles is feeling like we are worth it. Most of us have spent our lives taking care of others and putting ourselves at a lower priority. Let's face it, getting in shape is not easy; it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort. Spending those kinds of resources on ourselves can raise feelings of guilt, or it can go by the wayside when someone else needs something.

I fully believe that you have to love yourself enough to make yourself a priority, and that's not easy, after a lifetime of negative messages to yourself about your appearance. There's a big difference between saying, "I'm worth it; I deserve this" and really "owning" that feeling, but once you do, your motivation will skyrocket and you will do whatever it takes to be good to yourself.

I could go on about this forever (I'm a shrink, for Pete's sake). But it really boils down to some very simple truths, as have been illustrated in these posts.

Like MissDevine alluded, everything is a choice. You choose what you put in your mouth; you choose what activity you do, if any. This is a blessing and a curse both. But YOU are in charge...feel strong!! Own it! Every day that you do, you will feel all the more powerful.

So lgad people are responding ....
 

So to go along with my cow print shorts and workout tiara, I think I also need a rubber bracelet that say's "I choose what goes in my mouth, I choose to workout, I'm in charge, the choice is MINE!", maybe in hot pink with rhinestones? And give it a good snap when I want to sit on the couch and eat chips, or when I get a second cup of coffee instead of getting started on that workout. Yes, I'm definitely feeling a new fashion trend in workout attire here....

You're not alone.

Often when I am jogging I imagine that the other people at the track - or the people who pass me on the trails - are thinking to themself mean things about how slow I go, i.e. "Why is she even trying? She should just walk at that pace."

I don't even go that slowly - I have no idea why I'm always so self-conscious when I go out. But it always happens o.O

Of course, to be totally honest, I do this about everything, so that's probably my problem! Like the other day at the pool I was sure everyone was looking at my stuble, because I hadn't shaved that day. And last week, when I was walking home from work, I swore a woman I passed called me a "s***". I turned around and realized she was pointing out a "slide" to her child!

I think what you need to do (and definitely what I need to do) is stop caring what other people think! Who cares if they really do think you're a cow and I'm a slow-poke? We're not going out for our jogs for *their* benefit - we're doing it for ourselves! And our opinion of ourselves is the only opinion that should matter.

(Now if I can only convince myself to follow that advice :rolleyes: )

Most of my life I've been the classic ectomorph/hard gainer... I was the skinny kid spending too many hours in all sorts of gyms trying to bulk up, but I had a great deal of respect for the overweight folks working to make a change. Far from making fun of them, I can honestly say most (if not all, but there's always a few jerks, right?) were pulling for them.

Years later and now some 30 lbs overweight myself--even though it's nowhere near the struggle some others have to face--it's enough to understand first hand that exercising is considerably more difficult at a heavier weight. Bodyweight exercises are tougher... cardio tires you out quicker... there's an extra toll on the joints... You're working harder at a heavier weight to get to the same place, and that warrants kudos and encouragement. I've nothing but respect and support for anyone whose aiming to lose weight and improve their fitness. And I honestly think that most of your fellow exercisers would think likewise.

I'd also consider that we've no way of knowing what those other folks looked like when they first joined the gym or hit the trails... a handful may have been in shape when they started, but that's the minority. Some of them started from the same place you did.

I like your post, Miss Devine. I am one who is always uncomfortable in my own skin. I have NEVER exercised in a gym until a year and a half ago. I was even uncomfortable walking and jogging on the street because i might be seen and someone might just THINK something insulting. I am uncomfortable in crowds in mingling settings.

I have been facing my fears, lately, and while I still get that panicky feeling, especially when I notice that someone is watching. The setting that I am in everyone watches each other. I've learned that it isn't out of judgment, it is out of learning. It is Kung fu training and the first REAL awakening was my first sparr with my Sifu. There was a line of other students on the opposing wall. I was mortified. Later, I realized, everyone lines up to see Sifu, not the poor soul facing him. Anyway, I face people watching me all the time now and I receive criticism and tips, all out of caring. Most everyone at a gym is probably thinking the same thing, like Cool, another soul trying to improve themselves, I wonder what she is trying or I wonder if they would like a tip that I have learned.

I still have to remind myself that few people are actually malicious. And even though I THINK people are thinking malicious things, I've always thought envious things of the people I see running, exercising hard, etc. BECAUSE they are out there DOING it.

Almeeker-

What we need is sparkly pink bracelets that just say "I choose me"

I choose me over all the excuses, inertia, and bad habits that keep me where I am. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. (and my husband likes my new butt :p)

Thank you for each and every post! They have made me realize a lot about my own fears. Most of all... thank you missdevine for bringing this up! =D <3

I have the same problems with negative thoughts. My father was very negative about my weight. He told me I would always be fat and it is genetics, and that I will have to work especially hard to keep from being "Like that guy over there" while he points at the most obese person he can spot. I was always told I was an endomorph and people don't like fat people and I will have a hard time getting a job because I am overweight, etc. etc. He has the best of intentions, just the wrong delivery. Instead of motivating me, he convinced me that I was going to be fat forever, so why try?

Well, when my horse died and I stopped eating meat, my weight plummeted. It dropped again when I cut out dairy and eggs, and again when I went mostly raw. I realized then that I had the control. My activity level shot way up as I discovered so many things to do with this new body of mine.

In January, I went to Puerto Vallarta for work and I had a form fitting tank top for the first time ever. When I put it on and look in the mirror, I think I look great. The second I look away from the mirror, I feel like I am HUGE again! I was very self conscious being in public in a tank top. If a woman was looking at me and smiled, I don't assume she is flirting, I assume she is smirking.

I may be thin now, but I still have the mindset of a fat guy and it is so hard to change the psychological aspects. People who were never overweight very likely have no idea what it feels like.

I am working on changing careers to become a personal trainer because I want to help others with their weight. I understand the psychology much better than the PT who has never had over 10% BF in his entire life. The difficulty in motivating oneself, the weirdness of a gym, the propaganda from society, etc. All those things are much bigger obstacles than most people consider.

Women do have it harder in Western society though. If you watch prime time, you can have an overweight man as a star without any problem, but rarely an overweight woman. It is more acceptable to be overweight as a man. I am not sure why. Maybe because guys have an obsession with size and they think if they are bigger, they are somehow more of a man? Or maybe it is because women are more accepting of an overweight man, but men are less accepting of an overweight woman?

I think the biggest problem preventing a healthy society is that the companies who are providing the education on health are the ones trying to sell everyone drugs to counter their health problems.

Okay....this is the first time for me on this thread and I love it. All the comments have been amazing and I have thoroughly experienced some medicine from the laughter at the wardrobe idea. I think it is a great idea too....having a bunch of us doing it would tell the world and ourselves that we are not ashamed to do what is good for me.....look at me all you want cuz I am gorgeous inside and I'm working on the outside too :)

Actually, for real, I see a change in the tide....after the biggest loser started I have seen so many people in my neighborhood and city walking, jogging, in the gym, that are very heavy and my husband told me about a couple of larger women he sees every night walking and running and he prays over them and is soooooo proud of them. If only they knew how many people thought like that too.

The mind is a very powerful tool. It can help you or hurt you and change does begin there first. We all seem to have our sense of challenges with that in one way, shape, or form so I am happy to see this site and people honestly confronting the fact that it is there and hopefully we can challenge and encourage one another with the positive stuff that is soooo much more the truth.

Here is to the moo crew! Positive people making positive changes hoping negative people will see that we are doing what is good for us and we proud of ourselves no matter what they might say, think, or feel.