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Ember_unforgiven 07-20-2013 08:22 PM

Spouse being 100% unsupportive
 
This is about my husband. It seems like no matter what, he will do everything and anything in his power to make sure I fail, whether it be throwing a tantrum because I'm eating less than he is, constantly griping about not having "real food" A.K.A junk and bad for you foods, which I do keep in the house for him, constantly whining that he wants pizza or chinese take out (which I told him he could get but NOOOO because I'm not having any he just whines more) or like today, saying I can't go to the movies with him unless I either get popcorn or nachos, neither of which I want, and saying if I want anything to drink I MUST get a regular soda and not my usual diet soda.

I've known him for a decade, and he's 28 years old for crying out loud!

I know he's upset that I am dieting and is probably not used to it but he's acting like a CHILD! I have yet to give in or cheat on my diet, I just feel as though it's a matter of time with all his constant complaining.

I have tried telling him I really want to lose this weight and I'm doing it for my health but he tries feeding me garbage about how this diet doesn't work, this one, and that one, lots of carbs and sat. fats are really good for you and how diet soda really makes you fatter, household scales aren't accurate, weighing your food is stupid, etc.
(please no one crucify me for the diet soda, I know how bad for me it is, no need to rub it in)

Ugh what do I do?

Kathy13118 07-21-2013 04:04 PM

I don't even know what kind of diet your are on, but whether it is low-carb, high-carb, low-fat, high-fat, low-protein, or high-protein, you will find some forum on the internet where people say exactly the same things your husband says about 'that diet' and why it makes you fat. So, right off the bat, divorce the content of the message from whatever message your husband delivers. His whining is about something else.

I can give you a short easy method to rein in his barrage of criticism. Eating more calories than your body can 'burn' will make you fat. You can eat anything you want if you stay within a designated limit of calories. Unless your husband wants to back off, tell him that he can be in charge of weighing all the food you will put in your mouth and keeping a tally of your daily consumed calories.

If he doesn't want to do that, then tell him he's not willing to walk the walk, but you're tired of hearing him talk the talk. Tell him you need to control your calories and you can use his measuring and counting and reporting skills to do that. If he accepts this, it will shut him up fast and put him to work. Which should be fine for you. You WILL lose weight, then.

If he argues that it's not calories - it's something else that makes calories into something close to calories but not the really effective force that calories are - then he's got to pick a diet camp to squat in. If it's the 'calories don't count, carbs do' camp, let him help you eat 5,000 calories a day of saturated fat-laden red meat, steamed fish (no breading), or broiled chicken (no breading). You won't want to eat that many calories of such items, but you must - and you will appreciate the little bit of watery veggies you can be allowed. Don't forget to take the supplements you will need because your diet will be deficient in various vitamins and minerals (ask your doctor - he can give you a list).

But at 5,000 calories worth of protein and fat, you will gain weight. When you have gained that weight (remember, you have to stick to this diet every single day, which means you won't be socializing that much), then you and he can go on to the next diet.

Eat 5,000 calories worth of non-fat or low-fat items every day. It will taste better, because there will be more variety. But, 5,000 calories is 5,000 calories - every day, remember - and you will gain weight. Then you and he can go on to the next diet.

Eat 5,000 calories of vegetables, dairy, grains, fats and fruit. It's vegetarian, so there are a few vitamins you will be short (B12 comes to mind) but you will have to make an effort to get enough vegetable protein (soy and whey come to mind). Still, with 5,000 calories every day, you will gain weight.

Eventually, with your whiny husband keeping track, if you have eaten 5,000 calories worth of each diet, faithfully (no fair cutting calories!), you will realize you actually can eat all of those things in all those diets, together, but only X amount of calories as your daily limit. It can average out over 2 or 3 days, but it has to be within that limit - which you decide. If the limit is too high, lower the limit. You will lose weight.

This will shut your husband up because it will keep him busy. This will satisfy your goal of losing weight because you will lose weight.

Most important, you will have sabotaged your own goal of losing weight by eating too many calories (over the limit) of whatever some diet guru told you was safe to eat plenty of. When you see the consequences, you will join the ranks of all dieters who have tried the multitude of diets that people try to sell you (whether it's a book, or a bar, or a drink, or a prepared meal).

'Eat all you want!' is a sly way of saying, 'You can eat ALL you want because you won't want to eat much of this after a short while, yet you are prohibited from eating more than X amount of some other 'bad' food.... Don't be frustrated, it's all good.... You'll be able to eat more of the bad food later.... etc., etc.

Once you've self-sabotaged by ignoring calories, you won't make that mistake yourself again. By making your husband your chief counter and measurer, you make him a witness. He won't likely try to foist diet-speak on you again.

rnjane 07-22-2013 06:47 PM

Why is it he is so unsupportive? At first I thought he could not have his foods, but to be controlling in telling you "no movies unless you pig out" strikes me that he is trying to be controlling over you. Is he afraid that if you do become more attractive, you might find some one else and move on. Is he afraid that he will lose his old wife and life. He feels comfortable eating like a 12 year old and not like the adult by now he should be. If he is at a normal weight, it is okay to eat outside the healthy norm if all with moderation. You need to have a very serious talk about these issues. Tell him you are not on a diet, you are just eating healthy because you care about your body. Good luck.

Bliz405 07-23-2013 01:40 AM

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Do you really want a partner who is so insecure he sabotages your goals? Don't waste any more time, admit you made a mistake and move on. The diet is the least of your problems. I've been there....

Dad_in_FL 07-23-2013 01:21 PM

I was going to try to give a "guy's perspective", then I read RNJane's response and realize that what I was going to say, has been said.

I second Jane's reply. The person that Ember described is someone with issues that go way beyond food and diet. I am not in the Bliz405 camp....yet.... but a "very serious talk about these issues" is in order, followed possibly by third party counseling if you want to save the relationship. This isn't about eating.


<< EDIT: SO SORRY, I realized this was the Women's Only forum after I posted. I used the "New Posts" button and saw the message, didn't see which forum. Sorry for crashing the party, my mistake. >>

Maya271 07-23-2013 01:48 PM

My body = I am the boss!

dmartz 07-23-2013 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dad_in_FL (Post 101230)
I was going to try to give a "guy's perspective", then I read RNJane's response and realize that what I was going to say, has been said.

I second Jane's reply. The person that Ember described is someone with issues that go way beyond food and diet. I am not in the Bliz405 camp....yet.... but a "very serious talk about these issues" is in order, followed possibly by third party counseling if you want to save the relationship. This isn't about eating.


<< EDIT: SO SORRY, I realized this was the Women's Only forum after I posted. I used the "New Posts" button and saw the message, didn't see which forum. Sorry for crashing the party, my mistake. >>


Dad: Glad you crashed. I agree completely. It's not about the food.

rnjane 07-24-2013 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dad_in_FL (Post 101230)
I was going to try to give a "guy's perspective", then I read RNJane's response and realize that what I was going to say, has been said.

I second Jane's reply. The person that Ember described is someone with issues that go way beyond food and diet. I am not in the Bliz405 camp....yet.... but a "very serious talk about these issues" is in order, followed possibly by third party counseling if you want to save the relationship. This isn't about eating.


<< EDIT: SO SORRY, I realized this was the Women's Only forum after I posted. I used the "New Posts" button and saw the message, didn't see which forum. Sorry for crashing the party, my mistake. >>

Dad- a guy's perspective is always welcome.

Kocialapcia 07-27-2013 04:54 PM

It's not fair, right? The struggle is hard enough even without additional obstacles. But we have to do what we have to do, and the playing field is never even, and some of us have to work harder.
I would just stop talking about this new lifestyle and focus on walking the walk for a while and see how it worked. I'd be watchful about what I put in my mouth but without the commentary (you say have not allowed him to change your choices yet - good!).
Looks like you are the one who cooks and shops for food - that gives you an advantage. Just calmly put on your plate only what you think should be there and don't allow yourself to be provoked or lassoed into a useless conversation about food. You have explained enough. When he puts something on your plate that should not be there - just leave it. Carry healthy things around with you so you can have them when you get hungry (and your willpower falters!) at the movies or wherever you are.
Just a thought.
A more serious consideration would be to look at similar behaviors in other parts of your life - is he trying to control other things? Does he try to restrict what you do? Why is he sabotaging something so obviously good for you? Do you feel angry, powerless or diminished by his behaviors? My musings might be a long stretch, brought by memories of workplace abuse I long ago experienced, but what you described got me thinking...

maholias12345 07-30-2013 05:28 AM

OHK. this might be harsh, but it's the truth. (dont worry, nothing about you).
My father is kind of like,him, only worse. When I'm with him, I HAVE to do what he says. if i fail, or refuse, he will scream in my face and choke me. which is the reason why i dont visit him. im not saying thats your husband. I'm saying you have what i didnt: You can stick up for yourself. if you havent already, you reallly need to get in his face.
Men like to be in control, so you need to show him he isnt the only alpha. Tell him that he doesnt know what he's talking about, that he doesnt go thru what you do. throw in meaningful things. Tell him whats bothering you AND YOU MUST YELL. this is a test of his reaction.
-if he yells back saying you're wrong, and all that basic shit, ask him that if he cant love you enough to support you, then why are you in this relationship. He doesnt want to love you; he wants to control you.
-if he serious gets aggressive, leave. i mean it. Throughout my childhood, i watched and got abused. better safe than sorry.
-If he understands.... YAY.
this might be over dramatic, but its my opinion.


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