dc2013

Hi, I'm new here but I thought I'd jump on in. Today's been a particularly challenging day for me -- and what I've come away with is quite a lot of anger.

My partner of 5-1/2 years does not like my body. In fact, he dislikes it so much that he won't touch me; we haven't been intimate in all the time we've been together.

What hurts most of all is that he seems completely willing to give up this relationship if I'm not going to lose weight. AND he insists that I haven't tried, I don't want to (or I would have), I don't care about "us" because I haven't lost weight, and I'm not going to do it. This is where the anger comes in! I told him in no uncertain terms... he's NOT in my head, he has no idea what I'm thinking or if I want to or no, AND if I do it -- it's going to be for ME.

There. Breathe.

So now I have all this anger to contend with. And no, I haven't left him, but I'm definitely keeping one foot in and one foot out the door.

Does anyone else here have any experience with this? My guy loves his "adult" pictures, tells me I have a pretty face but... and he's no Adonis by the way. He says he can't work with someone who looks like me.

I've taken anti-depressants but went off them a few months ago because all they did was add another 20 pounds to me and they really didn't help at all. I'm an emotional eater from childhood, and I work on resisting that every day. I'm starting FitDay today in hopes of being able to better track my meals and log my activity, etc. I like how I can track my moods, too. I know it's all tied together. I'm also using Bodybuilding.com; I'm looking for inspiration and motivation and it's not going to come from being told I'm not attractive by the man I love. I have to see people actually accomplishing what I'd like to do -- even if I never achieve a bodybuilder's body (and I really don't want to), I want to get strong and toned and lean and healthy for ME and no one else.

Sorry for the long first post. I just needed to let out a big long breath and get started.

Kathy13118

Whew. What's in this relationship - love? On his part? Is he helping your efforts to lose weight, when you make the effort, or does he make it more difficult? There's more to your relationship than just arguments about your weight (criticism), but no need to analyze that here (a helpful therapist would offer some insights). What is important is for you to realize that nothing changes unless you are in a position to make changes. If he's 'completely willing to give up the relationship,' then that's your handwritten invitation to leave the relationship yourself. When you are ready, you'll do that.

Fitday can help you in your efforts to lose weight and stay healthy. You can do that with or without him, Fitday doesn't care. It's just a tool, but an excellent tool!

hapababy

This makes me sad for you (*hug*). That's abusive behavior, and you do not deserve it. I hope you have the resources to take care of yourself and do the right thing for you.

dc2013

To answer your question Kathy, yeah there's love. Today he told me he wants to lose weight with me, which is a first. I said I like that idea and I'm going to encourage him to really work out a plan with me.

In the meantime, I had a GREAT day today. I couldn't believe it but I looked forward to working out and I did about an hour's worth of cardio and strength training. I feel like a million bucks. And not once did I think I was doing it for him. More, I was thinking how he might live to regret pushing me to get hot.

I do agree with you about the abusive behavior, hapababy. I'm working hard on my business so I can take care of myself, whether I stay or I go.

Thanks to both of you. *Hugs*

bumblebeebee

dc,

As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, my heart goes out to you. From what you've shared, it does not sound like he's in a healthy spot to love anyone. I'm trying not to be negative towards him, as I realize I don't know the whole story, but I don't understand why he would enter a romantic relationship with someone he is unwilling to touch. On top of that, regardless of your size or shape, a healthy and loving partner would never compare you to the women in "adult" pictures or other women in general! That behavior should definitely stop. I'm glad to hear that it sounds like you're reassessing your relationship with him, and I hope in the end you'll make whatever decision is healthiest for you.

In the meantime, congratulations on letting anger fuel a healthy goal instead of letting it tear you down! I'm relatively new to the forums on fitday, and so far everyone has been very supportive. I hope you find what you need here.

Stay strong!

dc2013

Thanks, bumblebee. It's definitely been an eye-opener for me, one that's taken me a long time to get over. I wasn't always so positive. In fact, it's relatively new for me, this "positivity thing." I've just gotten to the point where I'm sick and tired of putting myself down and I believe that everything happens and everyone comes into your life for a reason. I beat my head against a wall for 5-1/2 years wondering what possible reason there was to "deserve" this relationship but now I think I see that it's because I'm learning self-acceptance and to care for myself. After years of being married (to another man), raising kids, and hating my body (even when I was slim), I think this guy's here to help me learn that I really am okay, no matter what anyone else thinks.

ljwc

Were you intimate BEFORE you officially became partners? I was married 28 years before my husband passed away - and during that time I went up and down the scales. But I can't comprehend a 5 1/2 year period of no physical intimacy. Does he still do the little things? Hold hands, sit close, pat your fanny when he passes? Intimacy is more than sex, but complete withdrawal of any physical contact seems beyond the pale. How does he react when YOU do the nonsexual intimate things?

Some men think that when they've changed the oil in your car, taken out the garbage, don't fool around with others, the "guy" stuff, they've proven their love.

ljwc

Do you really believe "think this guy's here to help me learn that I really am okay, no matter what anyone else thinks"? Maybe I'm reading what you wrote wrong.

bumblebeebee

Maybe she does, and if so, I think it can be a healthy thing. I think its far better to learn from a negative situation so that you don't end up repeating it again, than to simply get out of one bad situation and ending up in another because you never figured out how you got into the first one. That said, I wouldn't encourage anyone to stay in an unhealthy relationship that doesn't show any signs of improving, but only she can know that. There is a fine line between finding what good may come out of something and blinding oneself to what's actually going on.

You did bring up some really great points on intimacy. DC, I hope you consider what everyone has said and make a healthy decision for yourself. How are you doing?

determinedmama

Men like that make me sick. You deserve better than that. Not saying to do this but if it was me, I would do my damnedest to lose the weight and then after that I'd drop him like a bad habit. No REAL man would EVER put down their woman like that. Let alone not be intimate! I am so sorry. Men can be ASSES. Just hang in there. Don't do it for him. Do it for yourself.