kerrymcdonald91

I have recently moved to the other end of the country to move in with my partner and we have been arguing more than usual due to not seeing each other much because of his shifts at work and not been considerate of each others feelings. Last night however he told me hes not attracted to me anymore, that he looks at other girls bodies and wish i looked like them. My heart took a beating, I know I'm overweight but i never knew it was such a problem. He used to say he liked my figure, but now he says my weight has always been an issue for him. it has ruined our sex life, he never wants me anymore. i want to lose weight to be more confident with myself and so hopefully he'll find me attractive again. suggestions please xx

cjohnson728

Kerry, I am going to preface this by saying that, as with all advice you will see here, it is just someone's opinion that you are free to take or leave, and that others will likely have different opinions. I am also going to say that we are glad to have you here and hope that you will continue to post and share the journey with us. Please feel free to jump into the forums as you please.

So, my thoughts on this.

A lot of the cliches come to mind, first off. Like, if he doesn't love you for who you are, he's not worth having anyway. If your weight is enough to break up the relationship, then how much of a relationship was it, really? And, if you are trying to change for someone else, that's not the right reason. But I hate to just throw those things at you and leave it at that, so here are my other thoughts.

First, I hear you a little panicky at the thought of losing him if you don't change, so I would suggest that you back up a bit, think about it logically, and realize that this isn't going to change overnight. Weight that comes off quickly comes back quickly, so take it slow and steady and you will be healthier and happier. Second, make sure your priorities are in the right place and that you're doing this for you. Whether or not you remain in this relationship, you want to get something out of your efforts...and...here's the important part that a lot of people miss, you are worth it by your own self.

So I am happy to offer a suggestion, but it's not a quick diet fix or magic solution. Sit down with your partner and tell him that you appreciate his honesty. Tell him that you want to make a change, and you are doing it for you [insert reasons you want to do this for yourself] and also that you want to do it the right way and that means not overnight (you didn't say how much you want to lose, so I'm just winging it here). If he loves you and is worth your while (IMO), he'll man up and be supportive and not critical. If not, then you just might deserve better .

rpmcduff

Great reply Cassie!!!

Kerry,
My heart goes out to you. If he loves you, then he should be glad to be apart of the solution. Enlist his help to become more active. Go for walks, join a gym, read a book about nutrition, and do it together. But always do it for you. Not to fit the body image someone else wants to impose on you. Weight loss is just a by product of getting healthy and fit. If you are not doing it for you, then you will fail. (Sorry if that is blunt.) You need to make the decision that YOU want to get healthy and fit whether this relationship works out or not. I sincerly hope that you and your partner can make the changes needed to maintain and grow your relationship.

JaimeMWS

Ditto on the "this is just one person's opinion," and "whatever you do, do it for you" caveats of the other responses.

But - there is a relationship issue here, and not just a weight issue. You say you just moved to the other end of the country to move in with your partner. And he just raised this issue of your weight. So it seems to me that there are some questions the two of you need to be talking about - like, is he feeling pressured in the relationship, and is responding by pushing you away? How does it change your relationship to be living together? What did you give up in moving, and what were your expectations? These are "we" issues, and won't be solved by you working on the "me" issues of your health. Not that those aren't important and good to be working on, and increasing your self-confidence should also help your relationships - but not necessarily this one, if you don't also address the "we" issues.

If you need help in how to talk about "we" issues, and building love and trust, I recommend the books by John M. Gottman - "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" applies to all committed relationships, not just marriage. I have used it in premarital counseling (I am an Episcopal priest) and in my own relationship.

Sorry to depart from the weight subject - I'm not selling anything, so I hope this post is consistent with the rules. Best wishes -

Jaime

01gt4.6

Jaime, your post is fine.

Kathy13118

A boyfriend I had dumped me once upon a time for a much younger girl. I in fact had lost a lot of weight, yet it made no difference. It hadn't been an issue with us because I was not really even overweight, but getting thin made me feel extremely confident, as if nothing could go wrong! Wrong.

If someone does not have the commitment to continue in a relationship, there will be a reason to discontinue the relationship. There was no way that I was going to become a much younger girl. I was what I was, and I was actually slimmer than she was! He cut ties with me, gave me a deadline to move out - the deadline was the day she was moving in. I thought he was the love of my life, and I was his. Wrong again.

I recently heard (perhaps in a film) a very good line: 'It doesn't matter if you've won the Nobel Prize, you are wrong for someone.' So true. Really!


All the comments so far have been great. I'm not saying that this guy didn't love you, or that he doesn't love you. How could I possibly tell? But having someone say basically, 'this doesn't work because of (fill in the blanks)' and then not say, 'but I love you so what can I do so we can deal with this together?' closes the conversation and gives you a kind of ultimatum. It could have been 'because you're too old,' 'because you don't make enough money,' 'because I don't like the way you walk/talk/drink/eat/sleep/drive/dance.'

Your weight is something you must deal with for your own satisfaction. Your relationship is a whole other matter. I am hoping so hard that you will weather this storm and sail on confidently to other things, other people, and happiness!

You wrote: ' we have been arguing more than usual due to not seeing each other much because of his shifts at work and not been considerate of each others feelings' Maybe that's all it is - not seeing each other and reaffirming what it is drew you together in the first place. You could say that and see if he thinks that is in fact the case. Then, you need to spend more time together and test out the waters to see if he's really unhappy or just being thoughtless and hurtful.

kerrymcdonald91

Thankyou for all your replies, I really appreciate them as I have no one to talk to down South having just moved here. I took your opinions on board and sat down and had a conversation with him today. I told him how hurtful the comments were and how they have affected my confidence. We joined the gym together a few weeks ago, as I wanted to slim down and him bulk up, and I have been pretty dedicated to this. Apparently his problems lie with my eating habits as although I don't eat big meals, I admittedly snack on chocolate and biscuits a lot! He said he was worried I would get bigger and get depressed as I spent majority of my days sitting round the flat. However I now start a course on Thursday which will make me more active and more motivated to do things as I'll be able to make friends here, it has been pretty lonely lately

We have decided to give it at least until his horrible shifts are over in a week, these are due to the olympics and para olympics, and then to see how we are together once we actually get to spend quality time together. The issue of what he has said is still there at the minute, but we are going to try work through it together, having been to sainsburys earlier and filling the cupboards with fresh fruit and veg and healthier snacks.

Thankyou again for all your comments, they gave me the confidence to approach him to talk it through. I shall keep you all up to date with how it goes

cjohnson728

Wish you well, Kerry! If you want some companionship, the 7-Day Motivational thread in this section has lots of lovely folks who are always good for encouragement and a laugh or two! Feel free to join us if you like .

bjhans

It must be really scary to be in a new place, probably far from friends and family. Hope you have a job. Can you move back to your home turf? Things sound rough. I was in a mariage for almost 25 years with a guy who always said he would love me IF. Take it from me, iit is much better to have a guy that loves you just the way you are. Then you can work on your own to change the the things you want to change. I am lucky now to be in a marriage for 23 years now with a guy who loves me as is and encourages me in what I do. Heck, I could be almost to 50 years now if I'd started out right, but we all learn from our mistakes, some slower than others. I'm down 5.6 # since recently starting over on this diet. Yea, I'm finally below my husbands weight. Get yourself in the right place physically and mentally and then you go girl!!!