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Old 07-20-2012, 11:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My friend doesn't seem to want me to succeed

I have a very good friend who she is usually really supportive and there for me. But since I have decided to do something about my weight and actually stick to it things are a bit weird.


Has anyone else had similar reactions from friends? I'm sure there is more to our friendship than being 'big girls' together.

Last edited by nichaleh; 08-21-2012 at 09:59 AM.
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Old 07-20-2012, 12:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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It is hard for your friend too. She is seeing you change in ways that she wishes that she, herself, could. She admires that I am sure but is jealous also. She is also worried that your relationship will change. She is currently viewing the fact that you don't want to go eat at the places that you used to and just seeing that aspect of your relationship as different. Your changing is scary to her.

All that said....I am glad to hear that you are actively trying not to push her into change. It definitely will happen for her when she is ready. I would just keep trying to get her to do things with you. Maybe instead of going out for pizza you could go somewhere less tempting. Or you could just go window shopping at the mall. I know you can't push her into activity that she isn't ready for but maybe she would be up for going for a walk with you?

I am sure she is feeling inadequate and like you are going to leave her behind.
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Old 07-20-2012, 02:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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She may end up being inspired by your success. Then she might commit to a diet. But, until then, it's going to be like this. You seem to be handling it pretty well.
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Old 07-21-2012, 05:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sounds like leveling with her might help. She may need to hear that you don't always have to do the same things to think very highly of each other, and when she tries to stop you making a good choice for you, that feels bad. And that you're not using your weight loss to try to tell her what to do. Good luck!
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Old 07-21-2012, 10:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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There have been studies that show when you have fat friends, you have more of a tendency to be fat yourself. I'm not saying to dump her (that would be stupid unless she gets really toxic) but I can see why that's the case.

Obviously she was used to being friends with the old you and since you are changing maybe she doesn't really recognize you anymore, and isn't sure how to relate to the new you.

Of course there's probably an aspect of jealousy there too. Plus it might be hurting her self esteem to see you do it when she doesn't feel like she can do it herself. She could be going home and telling herself bad things in self-talk, which could make her feel even worse.

None of that is an excuse to sabotage you or to make you feel bad for doing something right though.
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Old 07-27-2012, 08:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
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OK so I have been on the other side with friends who eat like birds (not saying that you eat this way. You sound like you're trying to make better choices) and I have teased them about it and I'll tell you why: guilt. I felt guilty eating the way I was.

I saw one friend getting a little upset about my joking so I stopped because I realized that unless it was patently harmful to my friend, it wasn't my business if she wanted to eat half a cup of soup and a dessert for dinner. When I was concerned about her health (often eating sweets instead of meals), I said so cause that's what friends do. And she still eats the way she eats. You can ask your friend why how you eat now bothers her, letting her know it's not a judgement on her and that you are not any "less fun." As I let my druggie (former) friends know, we don't necessarily have to destroy ourselves to have fun. (you might want to phrase that differently like we can have fun whatever we're doing; it's not all about the food.)

I think it is so great that you are not lecturing your friend or trying to get her to change. Keep doing what you are doing and who knows? You may inspire her. But whether you inspire her or not, you are doing something positive for yourself and yes friends can be jealous. It's human nature. However, if a friend's jealousy gets to be intrusive to your well being then you have to ask if that is a friend you want to have. As I told my DD, it is not unusual for people to feel jealous even (or especially) of those close to them but you want to have people in your life who are happy for you when you are doing well.

I am not saying dump her, I think others have made really good suggestions to keep the friendship going, just on a different healthier level. I am just saying please do not change your good habits to keep a friend. And hey there are a lot of people here at FD who will support you.
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Last edited by canary52; 07-27-2012 at 10:10 PM.
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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not that i haven't said enough but it's funny how people "bond" over food. I am going to be spending time with some friends who eat a lot and it will be a challenge.
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Things seem to be better between us, I made a point of inviting her over for dinner and we had chicken and salad tortilla's. I ate what everyone else ate only with low fat plain yoghurt instead of sour cream and light tortillas instead of regular. I think it helped let her see that we can still have our regular dinners together, things are not really that different I am just making some different choices about what I put in my mouth. We had a few drinks and I chose vodka with coke zero. Again, I can still have fun! Everyone had fun, our kids played together and it felt like old times. She also said to me that I was doing really well with it. I feel much better now.
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Old 07-28-2012, 12:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nichaleh View Post
Things seem to be better between us, I made a point of inviting her over for dinner and we had chicken and salad tortilla's. I ate what everyone else ate only with low fat plain yoghurt instead of sour cream and light tortillas instead of regular. I think it helped let her see that we can still have our regular dinners together, things are not really that different I am just making some different choices about what I put in my mouth. We had a few drinks and I chose vodka with coke zero. Again, I can still have fun! Everyone had fun, our kids played together and it felt like old times. She also said to me that I was doing really well with it. I feel much better now.
This is great. I admire what you are doing, healthwise and with your friend. You've got a lot going for you. Positive trumps negative.
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Old 07-28-2012, 10:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Glad to hear it sounds like your friend is coming around.
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April - 35yr 5'10" mom of two teen boys

331.2 lbs 02.21.11 (start) size 28W-30W jeans
229.2 lbs 08.06.12 (best so far) size 16W
263.4 lbs 03.03.14 (current)

Progress 67.8 lbs - 20% of my original weight

Pictures...
New Collage April 2012

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a newdream. ... CS Lewis
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