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The July 4th 7-Day Motivational Thread 07/02/12-07/08/12

Old 07-04-2012, 02:49 PM
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I feel so bad for all you guys in a heatwave. We've been stuck at about 60 and raining all summer, which sucks too, but 100 degree heat is just nauseating. Today was actually warm and sunny, so we opened all the windows and spent the day outside. Aaaaahh.

Question for those of you with teenage boys: what's your rule about video games? I told hubby I didn't want his son's game system in the house, so he put it out in his workshop (grrrrr!) And then was oblivious to what the kid was playing, even while sitting 5 feet away. When I pointed it out and showed him the Ms on every disc he was horrified and we ended up taking away all but two E rated games and hubby phoned their mother who said she hated the games but meh, what could she do? Uh...not buy them for him? We figure there's at least a child support payment worth of violent gory games there. I hid them in my feminine products, haha.

Anyway, hubby looked up what to do and one site said "they're going to play them anyway, so you might as well buy them," and another that said these games lower kids' ability to feel empathy and compassion and shuts down the conscience part of their brain. I'm inclined to believe the latter, but especially with a kid that seems to be emotionally disturbed. If he got good grades and had friends and was socially responsible, I don't know how I would feel, but violent shooter games seems like the last thing this kid needs. He already seems like he's one bad day away from a Columbine situation. What do you think? Should parents just give in because they'll play them anyway?

I'll try to catch up and report later when I'm not on my phone...
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Old 07-04-2012, 03:39 PM
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Geez, I am not checking in today. It was abysmally and unexpectedly bad. We didn't even do anything special. I realized I was way too hungry about 5, and then all sorts of bad stuff happened .

I have a LOT of thoughts about video games. The main thing I think is that you have to take it on a case by case basis depending on the child you're dealing with. You have to have a sense of what they can handle and what they can't. I can say that both as a mom and as a professional. The "give in because they'll play them anyway" is interesting. Would you give him cigarettes because he'll smoke anyway? Pot? Beer? If it goes against your principles, it doesn't matter what he would do anyway...it shouldn't come from you unless you can police it in a way to make it acceptable to you. Incidentally, when my dad and his brother were teenagers, my grandmother (who, with my grandfather, owned a cafe and store) instructed them that if they were going to smoke, they better buy their cigarettes from her, not her competitors. Both of them were too afraid to do that and thus never started smoking. But I digress.

My long answer is in white, as I realize it doesn't apply to everyone, so not to hijack the thread:

We were one of the last families to get a game system when my son was young. About a year and a half ago we upgraded to a more adult system (from the Game Cube) and now have an Xbox. I have a 15 year old and he plays a lot, especially now that he has the headset and mic and can connect online with his friends while he plays. He only "friends" kids he knows, or who are personal friends with other kids he knows, and whose history on games he has watched for a while.

Point one is that for him, it is the best time management strategy EVER. During the school year, he knows he can only play when everything else is done, so he starts cracking the minute he gets home. He is constantly asking what he can do for me or get for me (like the text he sent yesterday!); it is in part (possibly large part) motivated by the fact that he wants to know when/if he is free to play. So that is a benefit that has not worn off in the year and a half we've had it. Homework, instrument practice, sports practice/drills, chores, THEN Xbox, if there's any time.

He plays some role playing games (medieval stuff where you have to go on a quest, not really violent), some sports games, and he does have one FPS (first person shooter) game that is rated M. When he got it, we set it up so that the "gore" is turned off, and that cannot be changed; it's a permanent setting. He is not aggressive or dark or brooding at all, so I have no worries about it. However, his Xbox is usually in the family room, not in his room (I don't do TVs in the bedroom to begin with), so I can see what's going on anytime I like, and I'm often in there on my laptop since he hears the sound from his headphones. (He's in the basement right now due to a couple of circumstances, but I am back and forth there as well). I have not had any reason to be concerned, other than I am kind of tired of hearing the word "fricking."

I often ask myself if I should revisit my position on video games and limit it but I always come back to the same answer. On his own, he has gotten himself into a pretty sweet set of circumstances (grades, music, sports), of which I am extremely proud. If I start mucking around with his plan I will most assuredly Mess. It. Up. So for now, I leave him alone. Whatever he is doing is working, but I do monitor and rethink it on a frequent basis. I know a lot of parents who do set specific time limits, but it seems to happen naturally. He plays less or not at all when he's busy, simple as that.

So that is the parent hat. In the professional hat, there are indeed some kids who will be "desensitized" to the violence that is constantly in your face with some of the games. The other thing to think of is that nothing in real life is as exciting for some kids as these games, so you can see how school is boring and how they constantly crave and sometimes make (in unfortunate ways) their own excitement.

If you have concerns about his mental health, I think you are absolutely right to set limits and to be concerned. True, some kids channel all their negative impulses and anger into the games, making it much less likely that they will act out in real life. However, with him, he doesn't talk to you enough so you know where his head is. Bottom line is, it's your home (and your hubby's), and you guys have the right to make rules, so do your best to get on the same page with what you want and communicate it to him. Seems like you did just that! Good luck, nobe. It sounds like one challenge after another. You are doing well sticking to your guns (pun intended!).

Last edited by cjohnson728; 07-04-2012 at 04:25 PM.
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Old 07-04-2012, 04:48 PM
  #113  
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quick check in

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Old 07-04-2012, 05:13 PM
  #114  
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Thanks for the input, Cassie! I'll put my response in white too, to not be too much of a hijacker and to hide possible tmi.
Your kid sounds like a well adjusted kid, and I guess that's kind of what I meant by not knowing how I would feel if he was different. In my twenties I played some FPSs with my ex (who was diagnosed later with all kinds of antisocial/sociopathic disorders, but that's another story ) and I'm pretty normal. It didn't make me aggressive or unempathetic or anything. I've watched a lot of violent gory movies and I'm pretty desensitized to those, but SO sensitive to real life gore and violence. Like, I'm still traumatized by a half-second accidental glance at a picture of Khaddafi's dead body. But I have no problem watching things like Saw. Go figure. But kids' brains are different than adults' so I don't know if it's just because I did all this as an adult.

I think I'm so bothered mainly because it's on the heels of the porn thing (here's the possible tmi). I actually am pretty laid back about sex and I figured before he came that he's probably been looking at porn (he's a 13 year old boy after all). Being naive and not having been around 13 year old boys since I was 13, I was picturing him sneaking glances at dirty pictures and then spending an hour in the shower. I didn't really have a problem with that. My problem with porn, though, isn't pictures of boobies or whatever, it's the violence/negativity towards women that I take issue with. And he wasn't looking at soft focus pictures of boobies. The titles were horrifying. "Underage Virgin Gets Anally Raped" and so on. Every title indicated violence towards women and/or rape of women, and put this together with him sitting out in the workshop killing people all day and he's kind of starting to frighten me. I actually told hubby today that until the kid shows some interest in something other than rape and murder, I don't feel comfortable around him and don't want to be around him.

Also, he lives with his mother in an area where molestation is fairly commonplace and people are pretty blase about it; he has a little sister and apparently a lot of anger and sexual frustration. That worries me too. To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if it happened to him already, but we'd never find out about it.

Plus, just on a basic parenting level, he's does F-all around the house and shouldn't be allowed to play games until he's pulled his weight (like your system). Hubby's pretty lackadaisical as a parent and tells him to do something, the kid lies and says he's done it, hubby believes him, and then he's on his game again while I'm left with whatever chore it was. But whenever I tell them to do something they cry, so I'm leaving it up to him.

Plus it's SUMMERTIME! Why do these kids want to be in dark rooms staring at screens when they could go out to the parks or lakes around here? I think being outdoors would be so much more positive for these kids than being zombies in front of a screen.

But he hasn't gone near the computer since he was caught and will probably get bored pretty quickly with the kiddie games (I'm pretty sure they're his sister's), so maybe he'll be limited in which screens he can stare at soon. I'll just put the tv on HGTV and "lose" the remote and maybe they'll head outside, haha.
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Old 07-04-2012, 11:46 PM
  #115  
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I think you have every right to be concerned! What you indicated, in addition to all the other things you've said about his experience, just screams "see a therapist" to me. Does hubby have medical decision rights in the divorce decree and can he take him to see somebody?

Had to laugh at HGTV and hiding the games in the feminine hygiene products. I admire you for handling this with a sense of humor!
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:43 AM
  #116  
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Mern...walking in this heat gets me just to a sweat when I am about finished with my 2 miles. I sit in a VERY air conditioned section of our building all day so I am relieved for some warmth on my lunch hour. ... At home though I work out in the A/c with a ceiling fan LOL ... Thanks for the congrats on the loss but I am back up today. Yesterday's was probably just a fluke. I seem to have found my new 2lb +/- spot.

Nobe ... Oh my girl, your situation isn't getting better by the day is it. I can only speak from experience and this might be lengthy till it all pours out so I apologize in advance... I have two teens. They are 14 months apart in age but about 3-4 yrs apart in maturity. My younger is currently 14 and he behaves more like a 12 yr old. My older son is 15 and behaves more like 16-17. I hope you remember all that I went through around December-February with my youngest. If not I can PM you some details. Anyway...we were fairly lax on the games. They were allowed whatever they wanted to play as long as chores were done. Now here is the difference between my sons & Cassie's. Mine don't do after school activities. Never have and have no interest other than my older one goes to a youth church once a week during school (they don't have it in the summer). My older son though, has lots of friends and girlfriends. He is a very fun to be around kid wth a great sense of humor (had me laughing till I cried on Tuesday LOL). My youngest is a darker kind of kid. He actually scared me a few times with the look of hatred in his eyes towards me. We have since sold all the violent games except a select few that my older son keeps stashed away in his room for playing only when his brother is not in the same room. He doesn't think it has made a difference and probably not just the games alone have made a difference but he is much easier to get along with now. He has been in a therapy setting since December though and I'm sure that helps. .... Enough rambling. I think you did just the right thing by getting rid of them. I would have sold them or allowed him to trade them for appropriate games if money allowed. I also agree that he may need some therapy or counseling. I would never have been a supporter of this idea last summer but after the past 8 months or so of my life, I believe it now..... I guess I'm just saying that the affect on the child depends solely on the child. My two were raised in the same home, by the same parents, with the same sets of rules and these things affect them very differently. I do worry about my younger son exploding and doing something very stupid in a fit of rage (haven't had one in months now) or sexually harming a girl (why I was so upset about his porn just last week) or becoming a stalker. It is very sad & scary to put that in print but it is what it is. I hope you can get something from my experience. ... I agree with Cassie though. You are keeping a good attitude about this whole situation.
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Old 07-05-2012, 01:47 AM
  #117  
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I'm here. I'm not completely off the wagon, but I'm hanging on for dear life. I'll post an update later tonight. Talk at y'all later
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Old 07-05-2012, 02:00 AM
  #118  
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Health / Fitness Goals...
1. 100oz water M: Yes,T: Yes, W: Yes,
2. Walk 2 miles on lunch at work (except Wednesday) M: Yes (it was freakin' hot!), T: Yes (freakin' hot again!), W: Day off,
3. Banish Fat Boost Metabolism Weds & Fri M: N/A, T: N/A, W: Yes!Th: N/A,
4. Select different video(s) Thursday M: N/A, T: N/A, W: N/A, Th: Yes, F: N/A
5. 5 fruits / veggies a day M: Yes, T: Yes, W: Yes,
6. Carbs under 50% M: 61% , T: 51.55%, W: 59.5%,
7. Weigh and post it daily M: 237.4lbs, T: 237.4lbs, W: 235.8lbs, Th: 237.8lbs,

Life Goals...
1. Water garden daily M: Yes, T: Yes, W: Yes,
2. Weed veggie garden M: Yes ... DONE!
3. Feed snakes (yeah I know...EWWW! LOL) M: not yet, T: Yes....DONE!!!
4. Mop floors M: Not yet, T: Not Yet, W: Yes...DONE!
5. Keep laundry done up M: Yes, T: Yes, W: Yes,
6. Read ... not on the internet M: No, T: No, W: Yep, lots!,

Not a lot to report from yesterday. Just that even though I stayed within my calorie range and worked out I am up 2lbs today. Thanks Mother Nature! I thought I was not supposed to see her visit anymore Guess they were wrong!
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Old 07-05-2012, 02:08 AM
  #119  
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My two cents, for all it's worth...

My son is now 29. He played video games since he was probably 9. My personal opinion? I absolutely hate them. My rule was that I never bought him any games. Period. Because if I didn't buy them, he either had to buy them himself (thus not being old enough to purchase the more graphic violent ones coupled with having no money) or receive them as gifts, which I was able to steer most gift-givers choices. I never allowed "borrowed" games in the house with anything over an M rating.

Thankfully, he was involved in a butt-load of extra-curriculars (a mother's secret weapon) and had little extra time at home during the school year... summers were a little harder. I didn't have a set limit for how much he could play, but if I thought he was playing too much, I would tell him that he could either find something else to do or I would be happy to find something for him (which always involved a back-breaking, icky chore that no one wanted to do. )

To make a long story short, the love affair that he had with computers and video games not only continues to this day, but he now makes a living doing computer programming and designing. *sigh* (When you think of my son and his friends, think "Big Bang Theory". lol) My daughter never played video games. She was always an "outdoors girl" and had little interest in tv at all; still doesn't and will be studying environmental/chemical engineering this fall.

My opinion? Video games aren't harmful with strict guidelines and supervision, like anything else. But giving a 14 y/o content that he isn't ready to digest is dangerous. My home is/was very strict. But, you know what? Both kids survived and their friends come here for safety and security when all hell breaks out in their own homes because they know that the parents make the rules here and that we, as adults, can usually help them with situations out of their league when their own parents can't or won't. Houses where children make the rules never succeed... never.

I will now climb back down off of my soapbox...
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Old 07-05-2012, 02:26 AM
  #120  
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I'm up .6 from yesterday. Just one of those things I guess.

I went to the drag strip last night, didn't bring my bike b/c last time my GF got pissed, but I didn't bring a couple cameras.
Gulfport Dragway July 4, 2012 - YouTube
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