ToriD1012

to say the least! Deep down, even at the time, I know she didn't mean it hurtfully. She has a problem with being misunderstood at times, so I try to take what she says very lightly and not let her comments bother me. But the way she said the things last night just took the cake. For as long as I can remember she and I have had our rounds over "miscommunication". I'm a peacemaker by nature so for years I always swept it under the rug or made a joke out of it to lighten the mood. I still do, or I'll just slough it off and say "it's okay" or "I'm fine". I know that it's not good to do those things, but I do them anyway. For me to get where I need to be physically, I need to be fully engaged mentally too. And constantly letting her comments fester because I wanted to avoid confrontation isn't being fully engaged.

I have been doing some serious soul searching lately. You know, the big questions. "Am I happy?" "Would I be happier elsewhere?" "Why did I let myself get to 255+ lbs?" Etc. Etc. And I have a few of those answers. The one I can't get a handle on is why I let myself become so FAT. I still don't know. I eat emotionally only some times. I ate out of boredom a LOT (I try to keep busy now). I still can't wrap my head around it. Most of the time, I simply ate because I like food. No, strike that. I LOVE food! I still do. I always will. But there are plenty of people who love food who aren't morbidly obese. I made the comment a month or so ago that went something like this "I'm fat because I love me some tater chips." And while that still may be true, I don't think it's all of it. I'm still trying to work out the details.

I'm still struggling today. It's 12:30 and I haven't made it out of bed yet. (partly because I laid on a laundry room floor crying with my cat until 3 a.m. and partly because I have no oomph today) I plan at some point today of getting up and doing the Cardio Burn because I missed it yesterday, and I'll do yoga tomorrow (scheduled day off). I also have to walk today and tomorrow. I think my cousin wanted to walk with me this evening, so that'll be good. It'll give me some company. Thank you April and Hope for your kind words. I'm not going to let it distract me from what I have to do. For the first time in my entire life I'm taking the time to be selfish, in this one aspect. K, off my butt to find something to eat.



BTW: I'm not scared of the word fat. I know some people who are. They prefer the word "big" or "heavy" or my personal favorite "curvy". Yup, I was curvy all right. Like an apple!!! So if I use the word and it offends someone, I'm sorry. I don't want to be or mean to be disrespectful.

kimbur96

Hope Wow! you had a tremendous amount of loss at an early age. I believe you and DD will get through this because you both want to get through it. That makes all the difference. You place a lot of blame on yourself. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself. It's obvious you are a loving caring mother doing the best you can and one day she will recognize that too. Any improvement in fibro? You certainly have a lot on your plate to deal with.

Tori sorry to hear your mom hurt your feelings. People have such power with words, way beyond what they comprehend sometimes. And some people have no filter between there brain and their mouth. You have done and awesome job losing 53#!!! We are all proud of you!! Keep up the good work. Sometimes when someone says something to hurt me like that I try taking back the pawer in my mind. Thinking I am not going to give ".." the peer to ruin my day. Screw what they say. i know I am making progress and working hard. Doesn't always work but sometimes it does and I win

Fit Good job getting those 2 miles in late last night

April i hear ya on the dried fruit. A lot of what we think is healthy is very high in calories and can only be eaten in small quantities.

I made it to the gyms s planned this morning. Did Deltoids and Triceps then 30 minutes on the elliptical and 30 on the tread. Now I have to go do some work. Darn. I am on call thought i might get the day off but no such luck.

quinnesec

Tori,

Please don't let stupid comments derail your weight-loss. You are doing a fantastic job and have been inspirational to a lot of people here. There was an "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode once about "editing" and I've used it in my own life a lot. It goes something like this... If you took all of the raw footage from a wedding or other family event and watched it in its entirety, it would make you cringe. But through artful editing, the normally dysfunctional family suddenly looks perfect in every way. Editing. I use editing a lot when it comes to people that say or do hurtful things to me. I take what they say that is helpful, and edit out the rest and move on. It took me years to be able to do it successfully , but it has saved my sanity.


The mother/daughter relationship is probably the most difficult of them all. Why? I have no idea. I've read, with interest, all of the stories about this lately and my story is the same. My mother and I were like oil and water from the time I was born. I was an "oops" baby when she was 40 and her other two children were ready to leave the nest. I always felt the resentment (and was openly told) that she cried when she found out that she was pregnant with me, and they sure weren't tears of joy. I could do nothing right in her eyes... ever. I was a good, 4.0 student but she preferred to tell me that I was overweight, and just not good enough compared to my brothers for some reason even though I was better behaved and had better grades. On the other hand, I was extremely close to my dad (another source of her anger) because their relationship was not great. My dad and I were inseparable and shared many common interests, none of which she would participate.

My dad passed away when I was 22 and I have an extremely small family... basically my mom, me and one surviving brother. We looked at each other with disgust after my dad's death, but kind of said, "Well, I guess you're all that I have left." It took YEARS for us to even stand being in the same room as one another. But, look at us now; we're inseparable and there's nothing that I wouldn't do for her or her for me.

What changed? I haven't a clue. Tolerance maybe... and LOTS of editing... editing out the bad, putting it in a box and getting rid of it and starting fresh as adult women. Believe me, if we can heal our differences, ANYONE can. lol We now realize that there are certain topics that are hurtful and unnecessary to bring up and I guess, through editing, we have a new, happier history.

Interestingly enough, my poor relationship with my own mother as a teenager, made me a much better mother to my own, now 18 y/o daughter. I learned what to do, what not to do, and what buttons are best left untouched. "Choose your battles" is a common theme around here. Our relationship is awesome, no topics are "off-limits" and we rarely fight... we come close, but we both kind of back off. Thankfully, my mom has now learned how to be a "mom" to teenage girls and is very, very close to my daughter. So, I guess it's never too late for a second chance. She now is like a second mom to both of my kids; kind, patient, understanding... maybe it's her way of making it up to me, I'm not sure.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that no relationship is irreparable. It may take years, but it can be done.

quinnesec

For me, I'm pretty certain that I started using food as a teenager for "comfort" since I didn't have a whole lot of nurturing. It always made me feel better when the people in my life always made me feel worse.

fit4luv

I know, Hope. I think I understand the feeling of just wondering if the weight loss is going to be a reality - and will it "stick"? Also, I do get tired of this "monkey" on my back (or literally my front ). It can get real tiresome. I've been at this a long time too. I've gotten down before, but ballooon right back up. My life story is entertwined with depression. I don't claim to have gone through what you've gone though. I certainly don't want to diminish your incredible journey through loss & pain.

ToriD1012

Words do hurt. It's funny, I have no problem just letting things from strangers or friends go in one ear and out the other. Or spouting my own opinions back at them. (and trust me, I have a LOT of opinions) But from my parents? Completely different story. Her words may have derailed me last night, but I'm not letting it get me off track completely.

See, that's just it. I had a nurturing home. So, I'm clueless. I was never put down for being overweight. I was always praised when I did well. Now, I'm not saying home was perfect. There was lots of arguing between my parents (their personalities just clash) but they never put me or my brother in the middle of it. So, I'm still working out my "Why"s

canary52

One thing I always say is that I never compare misery. I never claim to have cornered the market on it. Generally I don't even talk about some of it that much. But something about both the anonymity and the intimacy of this site drew me to open up.

I read avidly about the mother/daughter relationships described here. So complex, isn't it? I had parenting until I was 12, then my Mom died and my Dad understandably (at least to me now) just sort of checked out. He tried and he gave up. And he did stuff I would NEVER do to my kid (like possibly sleep with one of her friends - a complicated story, trust me.) And I have had to try to forgive him. I mean, what are the choices really? And yes, I know my life is kind of a soap opera.

Quinn, you sound like a great Mom. Your daughter is so lucky. And I am so glad you made your peace with your Mom. My Mom had such anger that when I was young, that was the first thing I thought about when I thought of her. But her sons were dying; who wouldn't be angry? Now I see she had great humor, wisdom, kindness, love and yeah she was not perfect.

I have a quick temper, a sharp tongue. I am both too hard and too lenient. But I try my best. MY DD and I enjoy each other's company; we walk, we talk, we laugh. I try to guide her. I hear her quote me all the time; she nurtures her friends in the ways that I have nurtured her. She will make her way, I pray. She will hopefully feel she can come to me. I will try to be patient; she's already come a long way. I have to remember that. Any time I despair about her eating habits, her attitude, her whatever, I have to remember that. And any time I say anything even critical, she says, as Tori does, you think I don't know that? Mothers sometimes feel they are not doing their job if they don't "say something." Thing is, if they have done their job, their kids already know.

fit4luv

I'm putting this in writing.

I will do my 1 mile & circuit by 6:30 pm. This will then complete my miles & put a little more extra into muscular training for the week.

Kim - Thank you

Tori ~ So sorry for all your tears. Love yourself today for us - OK?

ETA: Just noticed that the "gift" to Tori is a bit Christmasy. Well, it's the thought that counts, right?

canary52

It is the thought!! And I hope you reach (and even surpass) your goals!!!

ToriD1012

Quinn,

Thanks! I've decided that I'm not going to let one hurtful comment get me side tracked. I'm not so sure about how inspirational I am, but I try to do the best that I can. I remember that episode of "Raymond" about editing. The problem I have with it is, even though I clip it, I still remember that it's on the editing room floor. That's MY problem though.

I always had a really good relationship with both of my parents growing up. All through my childhood and teen years my mom and I were super tight. We went and did everything together. She never let anyone put me down about anything. And was always quick to praise me when I did well. She's even the one who sided with me when my Deddy tried to enforce an unfair curfew my senior year of high school (my brother's had been midnight on weekends, but Deddy was trying to say that mine was 10:30 "because I was a girl") While I'm more of a Daddy's Girl now, my mom and I never had a bad relationship until I hit adulthood. It just seemed that because I CHOSE to stay single past my 18th birthday, then I wasn't an "adult". (And that trickles down to my extended family as well. I have a LOVELY story when at the age of 23 my aunt gave me musical socks and a bottle of bubbles, you know, that kids blow through the little wand, as Christmas gift. But that's another story all together.) To this day, because I'm single and don't have children of my own she doesn't treat me as an adult. Even though I lived and supported myself ON MY OWN for years! We've had many knock down drag outs over it. She keeps saying that I "don't respect her as my mother". And I keep telling her that she doesn't respect me as an adult. I guess I should have been more irresponisble and had a couple of illegitimate children, that I can't take care of, to prove to her that I'm a woman.

We have our good moments though. I love her unconditionaly, and would kill or maim anyone who tried to harm her. I'm more tolerant some days than I am others. I know that she and my dad did the best they could in raising my brother and me. And she's mentioned a zillion times that she wished she had been a better mother when we were growing up. And that strikes me funny. I have NO issues with how she was THEN. NOW is what I have difficulty with. I've mentioned before she has a lot of physical and emotional issues, and that's part of the reason I moved back home for a while.....to give my dad a hand. But sometimes you can't blame everything you say and do on this issue or that one. Which she does constantly. Sometimes you just have to say "you know what, I shouldn't have said that. it was hurtful, mean and insensitive." But she won't do that. She'll come apologize, but it's always the same....."You know that I'm sorry and didn't mean it the way it sounded. It's just that with my chemical imbalance (read as bi-polar) I just say and do things sometimes that I don't really mean." Which, yeah, I know can happen. But sometimes it's just caused by her not thinking before she speaks. You can't blame EVERYTHING you say and do out of the way on being bi-polar. Sometimes we have to own up to our mistakes and just say "you know what, I'm sorry that I hurt you."

You're right, a poor relationship with a parent can change how you choose to parent your own children. It doesn't matter if the relationship was poor as a child/teen or as an adult. I know that if I ever have kids that I want to be a better mother than she was. And she's mentioned that she always tried to be a better one than her own (her mom had 17 and never had the time or energy to give one on one attention).

Outside looking in, we were the typical American family. We were real good at editing when we were in public. As soon as the doors were closed though, it was a completely different story. My parents, even though they love each other with everything they have, fought. A LOT! They still do from time to time. There were a lot of hard years, listening to them fight behind closed doors. I only really remember the fighting during my teens, but apparently it had been going on for quite a long time. During one particular difficult year (maybe 6-7 years ago) my SIL was relaying a story that my Bro. had told her about when we were growing up. How Momma and Deddy were fighting and bro. took me by the hand and said "come on Tori, lets go outside and play on the swingset." Which, when I heard the story, made me cry, 'cause: A) I don't remember any of it and B) my brother and I have never had a really close relationship. So knowing that, even then, he cared enough to try and shelter me was amazing.

Part of the reason I've chosen to stay single (read as unmarried) is because I saw what a difficult marriage they've had, and I don't want to go through that or put someone else through that. I refuse to fight with someone. I'm not saying people don't argue or disagree, that happens to everyone. But I won't fight. Especially if there are kids involved.

Looks like I wrote one of Terri's novels again. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for being so understanding and supportive. It means the world to me!


Now I'm off to my brother's. It's the youngest's 9th birthday and she's upset that they couldn't do what they had originally planned (because SIL got sick). So I'm taking her to pick out a Birthday Message Cookie (she didn't want cake). And then maybe to get something to eat. I still plan on doing the Cardio Burn when I get home tonight, but may have to cancel my walk and then double up tomorrow. It all depends on what time I get back.

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!!! Love and hugs to all