I have spent the last twenty+ years fighting for my life. Which is a far cry from what I EVER thought I'd be doing. I was a 4.23 graduate (when the hightest GPA you could get was a 4.38), 12th in my class of almost 300 and I was headed off to college to be something special. But I flogged my way through college thinking I could coast on my brains and never have to crack a book. Not good. Then I got a less than inspiring post-college job that led to less than inspiring post college jobs 3-10. But then, I found something I thought was really special. I landed in what was an inspiring, driven company that was supposed to fulfill all my needs and make me rich beyond belief and BTW, the company had a product that was going to CHANGE THE WORLD.
Fast forward seven years, my fierce loyalty to the company’s VP of Marketing which turned into a dysfunctional “best friendship” had robbed me of my $$$, my job, my subsequent business with her, my spirit and my confidence. BUT, I rallied. I formed my own marketing firm and grabbed a NEW business partner, married my English husband then started raking in $16,000 a MONTH!
Fast forward five MORE years. Tanked economy. Tanked industries I represent. I have $500 in my bank account and about $55,000 in debt. My mom has died, my dad got really sick, my husband and I have split and reconciled but in a MOST unusual fashion (one I am committed to NOT DEFENDING OR EXPLAINING ANY LONGER – it works for us). I took a sh*t job slinging coffee to get health insurance, a job I lasted in about 18 months before I became murderously close to losing because of continued thoughts of bursting into the store in my green apron and black hat to grab and arm myself with hot urns of coffee, pastry tongs and an industrial strength grinder powerful enough to probably hide the bodies of my manager, my co-workers and my customers (who I had, at one time, LOVED).
And over the course of those years I have gained and lost about 300 lbs. Once I lost 45, only to gain 90. Then I lost 83, only to gain 63 back.
And the ups and downs of my life – well I have SOOOO tied them to the weight. I remember my dear, confident, optimistic and wonderful friend Amanda looking at me as I was lamenting how fat I’d gotten (again) and said “But don’t you realize that all we see is how BEAUTIFUL you are.” And voice inside me went (meekly) “Uhm. . .no. No I can’t see that at all, what ARE you talking about????”
So, we arrive at the last two months. After 18 months in therapy, I have learned and am CONSTANTLY reinforcing coping mechanisms. No, that’s not right, they are more than coping mechanisms, they are prescriptions for life that I am hell-bent on implementing permanently.
And there are a few that I have nailed. And one of them is daily meditation. I don’t yet “get” how to focus on things and completely let my mind go consistently or consciously. But what I DO know is that if I miss a morning meditation, then the day goes down the tubes fast. If I DO meditate, I can distill the “monkey chatter” in my brain down to a manageable "to do" list of positive things that can make my life better.
So, that’s what brings me here. On my “to do” list is to find a support group on weight loss. I’ve been here before, but I really NEED interaction with people who understand.
And, as is my daily rule when it comes to meditation and prayer, I am going to SPECIFICALLY ASK for what I need.
• I need accountability. I don’t want anyone saying “it’s okay Angela, you just slipped up, you’ll get back on track, we all do.” That, TO ME (as I say – this is MY request for what I need, you can make your own, thank you very much), is a mentality that just doesn’t cut it. I need people who will call me on my sh*t much like my therapist does. If you don’t see me posting, if you don’t see me giving HONEST calories and exercise and weight reports, call me on it. If I sound whiny, call me on it.
• I need people who feel the same way. The ONE time I had success with weight loss, I was in an online support group with a “take no prisoners” attitude. Their (VERY IMPORTANT, LIFE CHANGING) theory was “yeah, my husband is a jerk, X family member is sick, my work stinks, my personal life is a shambles BUT I WILL NOT EAT OVER IT.” And they were right – eating poorly and NOT exercising only makes ALLL the other stuff worse. A cookie or a bag of carbohydrate porn is NOT a solution.
• I need people who understand that food can be and is, in fact (for me at least) a drug. A drug that seems to satisfy or replace feelings of inadequacy, allows for escape, provides momentary comfort (a “high” for me) OR is simply a crutch (last week, I found myself just THINKING about a battle I am having with a client who owes me $$$ and looked down and I was completely shocked to see my hands SHOVING pieces of chicken into my mouth – seriously, I was not even aware that I was doing it, the ONLY thing I knew that was going on was a fierce battle in my head with this client – if that is not a type of drug addiction, I don’t know what is).
• I need support who understands about this “food/drug” parallel but will never tell me “I am powerless” over the drug and have to “turn it over to a higher power.” That may work for others, but not for me. In my daily prayers, I talk to a God who says “there is no one who loves you more than me – now, knowing that, get to it. You have all the power you need to change, because you have my love, but I can’t pry the Doritos out of your hand. That’s this great thing I gave you called free will. And really, I’ve gotta go do something about Congress, Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia and Free Tibet so Angela, give me a break here, okay?”
• I need smart people. I need people who recognize that this addiction, this challenge, this constant struggle with weight doesn’t make me stupid or lacking in will power.
• I am FULLY aware of the need to eat right and exercise more. After 20 years of this struggle, with two majorly successful LOSSES (one doing it right, one NOT) I pretty much KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. I need serious understanding and kindness, but not tips about “eat carbs only before six p.m.” I know that the right number of calories of high quality, real food (not “foodlike substances”) with exercise will slowly and steadily take the weight off. But tips on how to balance LIFE STRUGGLES with food and exercise, yes – those I need!
• I need universal energy. I will be putting it out to the universe to give YOU life energy, love, prayers, support, whatever you need. Throw some my way, will ya”
I think this is my chance to truly achieve greatness (I’m working a similar plan with my business and it is WORKING!!!!!!!) and I am going to give it all I have in me each day.
I’m goijng to keep it simple. I’ve called it three point days before and it works. Eat right, exercise, drink water.
POINT ONE: ACCOUNT FOR 1100-1400 calories each day on FitDay or Tap&Track eating REAL, in God’s own packaging food 90% of the time!
POINT TWO: EXERCISE EACH DAY
POINT THREE: DRINK 100 oz. of water or more each day.
• Current weight 222
• Mini Goal 199 by September 26th (yes, I know this is a lot, but I can drop 5lbs the first week, 3 lbs a week the first four weeks, then 2 a week after that – I know I can).
• Mid-Goal 190 attained and held through the holidays
• Spring goal 165 by April 1, 2012
• LONG-TERM GOAL: TBD!
I'll be back at the end of the day to post my cals and be here at least every other day to give and get support. But ultimately, this thread is personal and if I'm talking to myself, that's okay. (I see "Daily dose of Lizzie -- she kind of does the same thing"). If OTHERS share my struggle and feel inspired or need the same support, feel free to post here. Wanna' lurk, that's fine too, but let us know if you need help.
Universal strength, energy and blessing to all who visit here and need it!
Re-reading my first post, I come across as self-indulgent and a little spoiled. I promise I'm not. It's just I've always been a person of EXTREEEEEMMMEEES. I'm either on top of the world or at rock bottom. And what I am looking for is BALANCE. I'm 43, it's time to live the back side of my life with some grace and some everyday feelings that I am blessed by big and little things and that the big and little hiccups are just that -- hiccups.
SO, end of day one:
** 45 mins spent choreographing a dance routine -- in which I ended up dripping wet and my knees are screaming at me "do you think you are 20?" But exercise -- done
** Had a fight with myself over some calories and ended up 100 over where I want to be, but 300 less than I would have been. I have to RE-learn not to negotiate with food. I mean really -- since when did a biscotti actually hold anyone HOSTAGE (and that's after doing battle with the reese's cookie from B&Noble I was considering -- my only sweet tooth has to have a good dose of saltiness too it and nothing does that for me like pb and chocolate!). I could have looked at the wonderful bargain books I was getting and had my "inner child" satisfied.
**Water -- so far 70 oz or so. Going to start in on a 50 oz oer now and some herbal tea to get through my late night munchies!
So two points of three, but lacking on the most important point -- the food. No excuses. I have to re-learn my techniques of not letting my inner child win. SOmeone is discussing on another thread the concept of "eating normally" and I so fight with that. I think that, for me, lifelong dilligence is going to be the name of the game. Though I like one woman's suggestion that she will "Treat this like a job" and "go to work" 5 days a week, then have some lee-way on the weekend in maintenance. SOunds reasonable and balanced. But for now, I am going to treat this like I'm treating the re-building of my business. It is a priority like no other and I have to be thinking about how I can do MORE to "make it work" (ooh Tim Gunn, you're back tomorrow night I <3 you!!) every day.
Okay, good morning knee. Please, stop throbbing.
Good morning meditation -- thank you for helping me to calm my mind and focus.
Good morning food -- you will not control me nor will I obsess over you today. I will eat "well"
Good morning opportunities -- I'm so close to lassoing (SP?) one of you I am tingling all over
Just got done reading "Born Round" about Frank Bruni, a NY Times reporter who, for five years, became a food critic for the NY Times and actually lost weight. This fits so much with both my food snob theory AND with my theory that people who have a normal relationship with food can eat pretty much anything. BUT -- and this is a HUUUUUUGEEE BUT -- I just can't help but be a bit resentful when I think of all the times I would LOVVVEEEEEEE to spend each night at a 5 star restaurant, and knowing that thI would have carte blanche to order the ENTIRE MENU and just taste two bites from each dish and toss the rest, would probably be able to moderate my intake the rest of the day and at the meal itself. It's kind of like I feel about Oprah. God bless her, she has struggles like the rest of us, but she has the income to have people prepare EXACTLY what she wants and needs at ANY given time of the day. I think, how can those people help me when I live in the REAL world.
Which I guess leads me to a realiztion that just kind of slapped me hard (in fact, God just spoke very clearly in my ear). "I'm not talking about THEM, I am talking about YOU." (That's God, yelling at me, cause he's here, but really needs to get back to the aforementioned financial crises and wars).
So can I take the insight I've gained from about a million well-meaning people, the food books I've chosen to read myself, the supporters AND the critics? Or from the fat who always know more than the thin (we've read it ALL) and the thin who think they know how to teach people to lose weight (aka -- my husband!!!! GRRR. Love him, but really? He goes ON and ON about this one guy who is HIS workout Guru, who has him do things that just DON'T work for ME . . .anyway, that's another day)?
ANd can I distill the information and TURN DOWN THE MONKEY CHATTER IN MY HEAD (something I work on not only with weight, but with EVERYTHING -- slight ADD issues) and distill pertinent information that works for me?
So today, I prioritized my day and will follow my list and accomplish many things!
I will eat. I will eat well. I will log what I eat. I won't obsess, deprive, torture or gorge -- no extremes today.
I will exercise (shut up left knee -- you just need some strengthening!).
wow! Yeah, the word 'intense' comes to mind, applied to your energy and enthusiasm, and just general, 'jumping in with both feet' attitude about situations.
In contrast, I've got the same aspirations to lose weight and stick with it (WW helps keep me on track). Way more modest goals, in my case. Right now, my mantra comes from something I learned in WW. 'Defending the loss of some pounds is just as difficult as losing weight.' You lose a few pounds and then some start to creep up on the scale. Getting to that point again where the scale reflects what you originally lost, that's really hard for me!
I lost 4 pounds one week. The next week, I was up 2.5. Now, I've lost 1.4, and this downward drift is taking time. I want to see that number on the scale, the way I saw it after the 4 pound loss. It's taking time.
This might seem excruciatingly slow to you. But, with fitday as my food log, I've been getting the motivation at WW and the accountability of the food log. I'm living with a diet of food that tastes normal to me. With the kids out of the house (in their 20s), my husband cooking his favorite meals and me cooking whatever I feel like making, there's more flexibility in my diet. I can see now how stressful it was, cooking when the kids lived at home and we attempted to have 'family meals.'
I like your mindset. Just make it real. I agree that food is addiction, yes, I really can't help myself to wander in the kitchen and eat even I am not hungry. If I am cautious about what I eat and try to lose weigh, I would feel hungry all the time but If I am relax, I would never feel hungry at all. So there is something abnormal there which I can't figure out.
Right now I really need a KICK IN THE BUTT. I have been off the wagon for quite long. I need to get back before it is too late. I know that. Everyday, when I got up, I said "it is a new day, let do it." and I ruin it again and again. Like at lunch time, I measured my food and set my mind to just eat that. After I finish what on my plate then I get more and more. I noticed that I should not get second or third but I just didn't stop. I don't know why.
Oh my gosh, I am so tired of this cycle. I really need some tough love to get my butt off the couch, and stop eating out of boredom.
I never have thought of myself as "intense" so that actually makes me feel really proud. I've always been "flighty" (hence the extremes of huge successes and great crashes, I think).
But I like that . . intense.
I think I like the word that may be the orgin of the word as well -- INTENT.
And I do believe that while "intentions" may be the road to hell (YODA says "there is no try only do.") that to SET MY INTENT each day, each meal, each hours is helpful and the meditation helps with that.
So am I "intense?" I really hope so -- or at least "dilligent in setting my intent".
But I also still want balance. I have no magic formula.I do know my cals have to stay under 1400, closer to 1100 when possible and that the food I eat needs to be as close to out of the ground as I can make it with time and tastes considered.
That has been my "intent" today. I really listened to my body when I got up and had 1/2 the normal breakfast that I would usually have (I'm a huge breakfast girl and always feel like I need quantity there to "get me through") but I woke up craving pasta (having read a book cover to cover about an Italian family the night before -- who'da thunk it). ANd I knew I wanted that for lunch and not some MEASLEY portion. SO I halved my egg whites, and halved the toast portion and the light cheese and ended up with abou 150 calories less than I would in the morning KNWOING that I was GOING TO SATISFY the pasta craving at lunch. Then, instead of 2 oz of pasta, I cooked THREE (which used to be an absolute TABOO with me), and I tossed the pasta with olive oil, tomatoes, capers, sweet red and green peppers and garlic. I also tossed some of the oo, onions and garlic mixture in tuna before adding the other veggies for my protein. ANd it was . . .magical! THe flavors were gorgeous, the satisfaction was huge -- but I am at 900 calories for the day with breakfast, two snacks and lunch put away -- leaving me 2-500 for dinner (which may include a glass of wine). And I DON'T FEEL DEPRIVED, NOR AM I HAVING ANY CRAVINGS (wait a minute . . . nope, listening to the body, no cravings for anything right now) That's a great feeling!
BTW- I reserve the right to ramble here!
MAI -- I hear you and you asked for it, but these are not my words, this is the wisdom of a support group that helped me for a LONG time (the group broke up when a diet site upped their charges and everyone dispersed to various sites :-( ). As I mentioned, their mentality was:
“yeah, my husband is a jerk, X family member is sick, my work stinks, my personal life is a shambles BUT I WILL NOT EAT OVER IT.” And they were right – eating poorly and NOT exercising only makes ALLL the other stuff worse. A cookie or a bag of carbohydrate porn is NOT a solution.
That's my tough love, but the God I know wants me to remind you that he or anyone can't pry the cookie out of your hand when you are bored. Or make you "get off your butt." THat's in your hands. ANd it is TOUGH, I know. I don't judge, I don't reprimand -- I KNOW.
BTW - I also have completed about 25 things on my checklist today and have 10-15 left to do before I go to be. I am FILLING UP MY TIME whenever possible to avoid the boredom Monkey (by the way, I'll refer to a lot of weight loss challenges as Monkeys -- again, based on that old group where we called the 'NOISE' that are things that keep us from losing "Chattering Monkeys" because that's what those voices are like).
Tough love with tender understanding though, Mai.
THanks TO ALL for chiming in to my ramble. BBL
Last edited by brandismom1990; 07-28-2011 at 08:57 PM.
Good morning! Off to meeting with new PROSPECTIVE CLIENT. Feeling hot, have great legs, am 5'10" powerhouse of a woman meeting with a woman named "Lovely" (how cool is that -- every time this woman introduces herself, she has to say "Hi, I'm Lovely" -- would that not give you the self-esteem of an AMAZON!!!) .
Wish me luck and blessings, I'm wishing them for you!
'I am FILLING UP MY TIME whenever possible to avoid the boredom Monkey '
This reminds me of my favorite way to beat a craving for food: doing some activity that is so engrossing that I actually lose track of time. Losing track of time, I also lose a sense that I want to eat something!
Kathy -- that leads me to think about the myriad reasons we eat that have nothing to do with hunger. Even at my most "militant" days of active weight loss, it was a struggle because I had to realize that eating, for me at the time, was just a regime. It was not for hunger then either, it was because that was what I was supposed to eat.
I am looking, this time, to find a balance. I want to eat when I am hungry, what I want, 90% REAL food, balances of proteins, fats and carbs and for pleasure as well as for nutrition. I think eating can be all of those things, but what it can't be for is stress, panic, worry, fear. I often think I eat because I am not sure where my next meal is coming from, so I feel like I have to load up NOW. My husband, who grew up impovershed in England DOESN'T eat for the same reason -- he feels like if he can stave off eating long enough, he can have plenty for when he really needs it. Weird, huh?
ANyway -- just musing on food.
Didn't want to exercise yesterday, BUT I DID IT ANYWAY! Yay (BIDIA!).
But the scale hasn't moved. SIgh
Okay, three points scored yesterday. Went to a seafood restaurant and, I didn't want to order JUST the double salad as my two sides with my crab legs, BIDIA and am so glad. I scarfed a pound of crab legs and didn't even make a dent in the salad, so I had salad for breakfast! If I had ordered "other" sides, I would have probably eaten them and been miserable. And really, when I eat crab legs, I don't want anything else. All that rich, glorous protein!! ANd I have lo-cholestoral, so no worries FOR ME, there (I know others have issues, so this is purely my own doing).
SO cals good yesterday, exercise good but I had too little water. I drank a huge soda when I should have had water. I have gotten into a soda habit and I never had this problem -- but Diet Dr. Pepper and I are too good of friends. Going to have to set some parameters around the soda! Maybe I'll get sparkling waters and add a squirt or two of MIO flavors to them.
Landed new client yesterday -- so celebrating this weekend but not with FOOD. Getting a pedicure for first time in LOOOONNNGGG time.