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Old 01-09-2011, 11:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question how can i get husband to motivate me

my husband is a very straight to the point man. his words can be harsh. i know that means well but that kind of motivation dont help me. i ask him to consider my feelings when motivating me but he gets more harsh. its putting a stain on our relationiship. he says that the way he motivates me is the way he likes to be motivated. not me i cant take critism well not even constructive. i feel attacked. i ask him to choose words carefully so that i wont feel attacked. he says that i need to be babied i say no but consider my feelings. i say sometimes you will have to "carry" me. i say that the words you use hurt and be considerate of my feelings. its seemed he has a lot of attidude towards me . i dont like attitude. are there ways i can ask him to motivate me in a helpful way. is there a way he cant be harsh but help me get motivated. please help im at the end of my rope
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm trying to remember an analogy, my husband is sometimes like this and he doesn't realize how he comes across. Some of it is how women and men see the world differently. They are 'do'ers, we are 'feel'ers. A lot gets lost in translation. Just because HE needs straight-to-the point football coach motivation, doesn't mean YOU need it. It was something like, if your child wants a drink of water in the middle of the night, would you say "Why do you need a drink of water? I'm not thirsty." It's not about what works for HIM. It's about what works for YOU. YOU are quite aware of the problem, it's like an open wound, and touching it WILL hurt, but a gentle caress hurts less than a blunt finger poke. If he can't motivate you in a way that's helpful, maybe it's best if he doesn't say anything on the subject at all. Ask him to bite his tongue and come get your motivation from us.
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Old 01-10-2011, 03:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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yeah what u are saying is true i need to get my motivation from yall, but i need some motivation from him . for the time being i will get my motivation from yall until we have a serious talk about good motivation and he gets me the type of motivation i need. i will still need yall support and motivation too
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Old 01-10-2011, 10:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Men like to think in specific words. I would sit him down and tell him, look, when i tell you A, i want you to say B. I my case it works like this:

A) I am never gonna lose all this weight.
B) Yes you can, you lost 12lb already, and you will lose more.

It has to be said in a natural and convincing voice, and you need to smile then and say, you are so nice and supportive to me, and hug/kiss him, and not like so many women start 'no i never will, i eat so much and hardly ever move' because if you start on this note he will slip into his usual harsh phrases. What you ask him for is support, not honesty, if you know what i mean. Honesty an wait for the time when you are slim.

Remind him also, that during the day he meets X people, and he is nice to them, sure he can't be rude to his boss. And it's only his boss. Why should be harsh to you, who are his love, his wife, the one who he shares home with. Home should be a place of tranquility and peace. Tell him that you want to lose weight so that you can look your best for him.
Good luck
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Old 01-10-2011, 11:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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hi there,
Your situation sounds so similar to my own!!
this is going to sound a little harsh but you know the only way any of us succeed in what we want is because we do it for OURSELVES because we want it for ourselves- not for our partner, siblings or children.
I know you want your husbands 'gentle' support but realistically you know how he will support you- at least you have his unique form of support!! (i think the book men are from mars women are from venus describes it beautifully )
Look into yourself at your own love and care for yourself- at the end of the day you dont need anyone else to give you the drive to achieve something if it is what YOU want.
............. If you are doing it because someone else wants you to- thats when you will have a problem i think.
Don't use your husbands form of support as an excuse to give up on your weight loss/ fitness regime!! YOU GO GIRL!!.
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Old 01-10-2011, 02:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm with plainswanderer. I come from a long line of very analytical engineers... not exactly the touchy-feely type, but rather extremely blunt and fact based. I am the exact opposite...a total huggy nurturer. How did I stay sane? I learned that much of what they had to say was fact-based and true. I took into consideration their comments, trying not to take them personally, and learned that in the end, the strength and motivation had to come from me.

I've been happily married for a long time and one of the biggest secrets is to continue striving for your personal dreams and goals after marriage. Goals that are totally separate from those of your marriage, your husbands, or your children's.

Rely on us... You can do it!

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Old 01-10-2011, 10:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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thank you for your positive feedback. my husband and i had a long talk about motivation. told him want i want he said he will consider my feelings and be more attentive. lets see how it goes:
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Old 01-11-2011, 02:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Men can be so action oriented instead of feeling oriented. I find that my husband is more thoughtful once he can see that I am making progress on my own. He used to leave cookies, brownies and chips right on the counter where I would see them. I had to get mean and nasty about that, because it was just cruel! For me, the motivation has to come from within myself; it's not something I get from someone else. Although there are people who influence my motivation (like my grandchildren! I want to run and play with them, and see them grow up!)
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I learned a long time ago that we don't necessarily get what we want from other people so we need to get it from ourselves, be self nurturing. I didn't get mothering from my mom so I mothered myself, sad to say, but it is what it is. When I wanted my husband to behave a certain way, well...it wasn't going to happen so I got what I needed from one of these groups, and he appreciated it! I was a bit clingy I think and it made me stronger. I started to lose weight and he noticed and on his own he started doing a bit of bragging about me to his friends...who would have seen that coming?!?! Lol
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