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Old 06-25-2010, 05:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy I am truly desperate for help....

Ok so this is my last entry into my blog. I couldn't retype it all so I just copied it here, but I need help. I can't fo on like this anymore. If someone could feel pity on me and guide me somehow that I haven't tried or thought of I'd be forever greatful. Sorry its long but I'm a bit emotional at this time.

Ok So I am officially the biggest failure I know. I have fallen off the wagon once again and I really don't know why I'm even trying anymore. It is like my body has made up its mind that it is going to be this size and weight FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't take it anymore. Not only that but my DH has a past friend whom he truly adores and that makes me feel like shit becaue she is PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!! She is a runner I used to be would love to again but well ou know at 215 pounds you can't run very well and seriously why would I want to. She is like ubber smart, beautiful, cute, little, confident and pretty much everything I think my husband wishes I were. so where does that leave me. Pretty much feeling like dog doo. I really don't need help with that dear but thanks for helping with something. I don't think it maters how hard I try I will never be able to compete! She is totally out of my league!

OK> so enough on my depressing rant of self hatred. I WANT to lose weight and I want to run again, but I really am so depressed right now that I don't know where to start what to do or who to turn to. I've tried starving myself and throwing up yeah its that bad but my brain knows that this is wrong and I can't do it. I've tried that is the scary part. I've joked about taking drugs to lose weight at least I would be skinny who cares that its completely illegal. I've tried to compensate in other areas of my life to justify my existance. I am a true over achieve at work. I just don't know what to do anymore. I looked into gastric bypass or any of the surgeres and I'm not obese enough yet or have high blood pressure yet to warrant a dr. cutting out half of my stomach. What do I Do? I've read the books, eat this not this, exercise for this long, do these exercises, drink water, no more junk food. fruits and veggies out the wazzoo. I just can't do it. It is too easy in this world to be over weight and lazy! I am tired of feeling like this. I refuse to go back on antidepressants! I truly don't know what to do anymore. HELP ME PLEASE!
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Old 06-25-2010, 10:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
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it is hard! But you can do it. Telling yourself you can't do it is just a lie. One that hurts yourself the most. You have to stick with it for life. Once you come to that realization, it's more permanent. It's been about 5 months for me and I've lost about 37lbs, but what's more important is it's more odd for me now NOT to go to the gym, because I forced myself to make daily exercise such a habit.

Also, if your husband wanted to be with his friend, why is he still with you? It's because he loves YOU, not her. You should love yourself too- love yourself enough to make the changes for you and love yourself enough to respect your body with good food and good activities- let that be your antidepressant.
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Old 06-25-2010, 10:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Motivation is a funny thing. It comes and goes, and you never really know what will trigger it. There are a few things I do to help keep me from falling off the wagon.

First of all, I do a lot of research on healthy recipes, fun workouts, and read lots of success stories. Prevention.com is a great resource, and it gives me endless ideas for helping me reach my goals.

I also keep a piece of clothing around to try on that is a size or two too small. Something I love, but can't quite get into yet. It's amazing how quickly you'll see progress.

Utilize fitday in every way you can... food journal, track workouts, take measurements, track moods, in addition to keeping up on your journal and using the discussion boards. You'll start to really see what does and doesn't work for your body.

Don't be too hard on yourself! Set mini goals, and plan rewards for yourself when you meet those goals. Allow yourself one splurge meal a week. It's not enough to derail your progress, but it'll keep you from feeling deprived.

Hang in there... you CAN lose the weight, start running again, feel confident in your own skin. And don't compare yourself to anyone else- You'll make yourself crazy!

Good luck, and keep us updated on your progress!
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Old 06-25-2010, 11:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Okay first things first, take a deep breath. You getting healthy and in shape is not about HER, it's about YOU. It's about you living a long and healthy life and enjoying it to the fullest. If on the other hand if being healthy makes you feel better when you spend time with that woman - so be it. Erase her from your mind as a reason/excuse - whatever, poof she's gone. And why should you even try? Because you are worth it.

It sounds to me like you've reached a desperate point. Are you having really bad uncontrollable cravings? Well you might take a look at your food log and see when you had your last big bunch of carbs. When your body finishes metabolizing carbs it actually goes through withdrawal and seeks more, sometimes disabling your brain in the process, and you end up eating mindlessly. The way to control this problem is to reduce your carb intake and spread the carbs you do eat out over the whole day. Also if you keep your proteins elevated you will feel full longer and won't be quite so prone to that carb drop off effect.

Believe me I know that dieting and getting back in shape are really hard. I started this journey at twice my healthy weight, so I know what I'm talking about. Maybe you should take out a calendar and start marking up the days with reasonable weight loss goals, a schedule for exercising and maybe some menus. And if you want to get back to running you might look at the Cto5K plan (couch potato to 5K race). It's sort of a "get off your butt and ease into running" program, but it works pretty well. A healthy weight loss is like 1-2 pounds/week, so if you're doing it right it should take some time to reach your goal. So you need to be patient with yourself and you also need to learn how to forgive yourself for slip-ups, they happen to all of us.

A good friend of mine said that being thin and fit is all about habits. If you have healthy habits, you'll be healthy and if you have unhealthy habits, you'll be unhealthy. So I just had to find/make my own healthy habits, and get rid of my unhealthy habits. It hasn't been easy that's for sure, but I've taken it one habit at a time and it's been very manageable. If I can do this so can you. It takes at least 3 weeks to develop a new habit, probably double that if the new habit is healthy for you... It also takes a minimum 3 weeks to get rid of an old habit, and probably double-triple that if the old habit is bad for you.
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Last edited by almeeker; 06-25-2010 at 11:14 AM.
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Old 06-25-2010, 03:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I've slept since my little tantrum and feel a little better this morning. I woke up with dettermination I think I washed it down the shower. I got ready for work and ate a freaking blueberry donut! lol. I'll do better . Thanks again I gotta get to work.
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Old 06-25-2010, 05:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The other users gave some really good points. I also wanted to add what worked for me.

My first week of trying to lose weight I got rid of sodas, juice, anything full of sugar basically, and that alone helped me lose 5 lbs in one week. I felt really proud of myself. Then I started to eat whole wheat bread, crackers, tortillas, etc, brown rice instead of white, adding a little walk here and there. Started baking my meats (lean meats) less red meat, more chicken, turkey, and fish. Tons of water. My face even cleared up. Limited my calorie intake to 1200 a day (people won't recomend eating low daily calories but since I'm petite and I only have 30 lbs to lose I think it's ok with me plus I could easily up the calories if I started feeling bad or not enough food to energize me. Basically listening to body and so far I've been ok).

My point is to show you that you may have to start all over again and do it slowly. Don't let everything your doing wrong hit you at once. The last thing we want is for you to get discouraged. It takes practice to see what works best for your body.

I wish you the best. Don't be so hard on yourself because it is very unhealthy. I hope to see you back on the wagon.
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Old 06-25-2010, 11:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HGBilbruck View Post
Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. I've slept since my little tantrum and feel a little better this morning. I woke up with dettermination I think I washed it down the shower. I got ready for work and ate a freaking blueberry donut! lol. I'll do better . Thanks again I gotta get to work.
Blueberries are very good for you, toss out the doughnut coating and you're off to a good start. It takes time. How about focusing on one bad habit at a time? So from now on, no doughnuts for breakfast. Get yourself to the grocery store and pick up some bananas and some whole grain slim buns, and a couple of cans of tuna, and say hello to your new breakfast. Well maybe not those specific items, but you get the idea. I usually start my day with a serving of fresh fruit, a serving of whole grain and a serving (or two) of lean high protein.
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Starting weight: 244.6 lbs. 10/01/09
Pounds lost: 80.6 lbs
Current weight: 164 lbs
Goal weight: 120 lbs
Weight to go: 44 lbs
Goal Date: 1/1/13
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Old 06-26-2010, 01:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
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you sounded so desperate, i totally understand the desperation. i was there myself! had tried all different diets, exercise, starving myself, all with no result. i was thinking that i will stay over 150 lbs for my very pettit frame for the rest of my life and did not like it. besides, i had low thyroid production and a whole bunch of other problems to blame for me, not losing the weight. then i was reading an article online and came across fitday. that was something i had never tried before, i said, ok, i've tried it all, let's give this a try as well. food journal showed me exactly what was wrong with me, overloading my body on carbs and not having enough protein. so i read on the form and found out what has worked for others and tried to maximize my protein and lower my carb, later i also learned to use the activity journal to keep track of my activities, and anytime i was confused or couldn't understand something, i was going to the fourm and posting my questions. these people here are angles for all i know, they have been blessing like you won't bleive. anyone and everyone was out there to help and i did need a lot of help too. but now, with all the support, keeping a good food journal and exercising, i have made it to under 140 lbs!!!!!! me! imagine! i thought i wont ever see my weight under 150!
so, try to log in your foods see what you eat and how much you eat. get a food scale i did really need that too, so you don't estimate how much you're eating you know for sure. and then start working on your habits, one habit at a time nd soon you'll be an inspiration to so many others. like all these amazing ladies who have come here to help. good luck! and please keep us posted on your progress.
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Old 06-26-2010, 01:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I know how it is to start off each day feeling desperate. We are kind of in the same boat so I can relate, except I'm probably older than you are and I have learned not to determine my value using someone else's eyes. You seem to be overlooking what makes you a separate beautiful person. It's hard to be successful when you are missing that. I hope you realize your infinite worth and move forward.
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Old 06-26-2010, 03:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Don't Give Up!

So many great points made already - I've been seriously struggling with my weight for the last 10 years, so I know how hard it is to try really hard only to be disappointed. I once heard Dr. Phil say (sorry about the source, but the words are true) that you wouldn't be overweight if you didn't have a lifestyle that supported your being overweight.

Just like the previous poster said about the donut - look at your habits and choose 1 at a time to change. We didn't become heavy overnight - and we won't become svelte again overnight either.

Keep on posting and let us know how you are doing!

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