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Old 11-08-2014, 02:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Boyfriend made a violent remark towards me

I guess I will begin with 11/7/2014 evening text messages.

Him: I feel like doing something mushy with you this weekend like going to an apple orchard or going to see a play.

Me (I wanted my response to be just a little bit flirty. It's embarrassing sorry): You can take me wherever you want to and do whatever you want to me

Him: In that case Ima gut you like a fish and dump you in the river.

Me: Super wrong thing to say

Him: I know lol just having some fun

Me: I'm trying to move past what you said but if you don't think or feel anything wrong about that comment then I can't imagine having a good time with you this weekend. This is not an attack but simply how I feel. Please do not retaliate unkindly.

Him: Sorry then yikes. I'm gonna see if I can find something cool for us to do this weekend.



Okay. I don't know if I should be worried about this or not. I don't know if I am being too sensitive or if I should maybe break up with him. I don't know if I could break up with him. We have been together for four years, since I was 18. And, yes, so far he has been my one and only. I feel really bad but after we were going out for about 2 months I took his phone without him knowing, out of curiosity, to maybe find out more about him. I really didn't mean any harm! I went to his picture gallery on his phone and he had pictures of dead animals on his phone. I will admit, that really did give me an unsettling feeling, so I came clean and told him that I went through his phone. He said that the pictures were from his work (he worked for a mosquito abatement company so he was almost constantly outside), and that he took the photos of the animals because he thought that they were "cool". Should I have broken up with him right then and there? He has made comments to me similar to the one above, although honestly I can't remember the context of them as they have only been harsh comments like that about 3 times over the past 4 years, and I forced myself to overcome them. I, however, made it known, like in those text messages, that the comments were not okay. So why does he continue making them then?! Also, yes, he is a video game player. He was the type of kid/teenager who would rather be in his room by himself playing computer games than play real games. For that, he doesn't have many friends he talks to now. He mainly goes to work (12 hr third shift job) comes home and sleeps, then goes back to work. Now I am really the only person he talks to. Even if he stops making these comments for good, how am I to know that he doesn't think them? Should I be concerned? Would you be concerned or worried if you were me? Am I being too sensitive or dramatic? Should I bring up these concerns with him over dinner on the weekend? I don't know why but this time I feel the most unsettled!
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Old 11-08-2014, 05:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You feel unsettled and you should listen to those feelings.

You're a couple - you can go to a therapist as a couple, and discuss these feelings. Then not only will he hear from a third party what the effect of these remarks is, but he can explain it to a third party. He may say that he doesn't need to talk to anyone else with you, but that keeps everything in this really narrow world he has with you.

Maybe he'll end up getting a job that is not third shift, socialize more with other couples and develop friendships, and have more 'balance' in his life.

If what he says bothered you, it IS serious and you should treat it that way. He should understand that, with another person's input. It shouldn't just be a discussion he thinks he can deal with quickly and not truly realize the impact of what he says and what bothers you.
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Old 11-08-2014, 05:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Be very much aware of the things a guy jokes about and thinks humorous. Watch how he treats his mother and animals--those actions speak volumes as to how he will treat you one day! Listen to your feelings. You've already told him your feelings on the matter, but if he continues to not take your feelings seriously, that is another RED LIGHT.

I lived for years in an abusive marriage, suffering physical, sexual and mental abuse. I've been stalked, sat for hours with a gun pointed at me by an angry spouse, been kidnapped, taken across state borders against my will. I was made to watch as he killed beloved pets in anger. It's not a pretty life and robs you of joy and peace. I finally got out--reading the book "Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay" helped me make that choice.

I wish you peace and much joy. Vicki
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