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jennygoodman 05-26-2010 02:10 PM

Not health related.
 
Okay, I know this is a health forum, but I just need to ask some women a question, and get an honest answer back.

Do you girls feel that as you get older, you lose more and more friends? Or find it extremely difficult to MAKE friends?

I am only 25, but I seriously feel like I have no friends. Rather, I have a lot of "friends" but nobody that I can really talk to, or call my "best" friend anymore. Everybody that I used to hang out with is still all about going out and getting drunk (which I am not), or we have gone our separate ways. I have a couple closer friends, but I rarely talk to them - one of which only seems to call me now when she wants something (usually trying to get me to sign up for her pyramid scheme she's got going on).

I love my man dearly, and he really is my best friend, but sometimes I just wish I had GIRL friends to talk to. Somebody to vent to about work, or whatever.

What are your opinions on this? Do you guys find it hard to make friends as you've gotten older? Where the heck would I even go to find friends? lol...I feel like the new kid in school or something.

almeeker 05-26-2010 03:16 PM

No I haven't found it harder to make friends as I've gotten older. I'm 41 BTW. I will say that many of the women I was really close to when I was younger are still friends, but we're not as close as we were back in the day. I have a small group of really good friends I met mostly at the library. I know that sounds strange, but our local library has a story time that I take my kids to. My bestest buddies are all regulars at story time, one of them is the librarian and the others are all moms with kids the same ages as my mine. We make it a point to have a GNO (girls night out) about once every other month, and it's always a really fun time. The best thing a man can do for his longevity is to get married, the best thing a woman can do is to have lunch with her girlfriends.

I would say it might be easiest to make new friends while doing something you enjoy. There are lots of organizations that you can join to meet new people. I live in a small town, but even still there are sports leagues, charities, fund raisers, festivals etc etc. You might also take classes and meet new people that way, maybe an exercise class, or martial arts, or basket weaving. Check out the local paper "Events" section or the internet. In this town Community events are advertised in the water bill, the local newspaper, the Downtown Development Authorities website, the local Community Center bulletin board and at the YMCA. Believe me, there is always something interesting going on, the trick is to find it.

blackrhino2 05-26-2010 04:15 PM

i found it hard to make new friends after i graduated undergrad and worked for a super small non-profit where it was just me and 2 others. i understand the isolating feeling you're talking about.

almeekers idea's are great. some other ideas are google/research clubs you can join. there is an appalachian trail hiking club near me and I hear that the people are super friendly---and it's easy to talk lots when you are hiking or kayaking or something. maybe find some sort of a club or sport to get involved in? Intramural volleyball or something? Is there a community rec center?

jennygoodman 05-26-2010 04:22 PM

Thanks for the advice. I know it probably sounds silly that a 25 year old can't find a way to make friends on her own, but...I just seem to have different priorities than everybody else my age.

I'll definitely try to find some community activity, or a class to go to...I don't have kids, so anything involving groups of mommies is out, but maybe I can find something around here!

It makes it so much harder because at my work, I'm stuck in one room all day long with the same people all the time. Makes it hard to meet new people, you know?

almeeker 05-26-2010 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennygoodman (Post 11856)
Thanks for the advice. I know it probably sounds silly that a 25 year old can't find a way to make friends on her own, but...I just seem to have different priorities than everybody else my age.

Who says you and your friends have to be the same age? My friends are all over the map age wise, it's one of the true benefits of adulthood, you can be friends with anybody. The one thing I would suggest is that you give it time. You can't build a friendship in 10 minutes, you have to experience part of life together before you can really call any relationship a "friendship". And it doesn't sound the least bit silly that you need to find some friends. I went through the same thing when I went from being a full time corporate employee to a full time stay at home mom. It happens in life, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it's just time for a new chapter to start.

anderson02 05-26-2010 06:13 PM

I do believe that for women it can be difficult to find and maintain quality friendships. However that is by our own choices and actions. I have a lot of friends that let their friendships fade in an effort to be an attentive Wife or Mom. We get so wrapped up in what we feel our responsibilities are that we can become busy taking care of anything and everything but ourselves and our relationships outside of family. This can devastate women when children move out, relationships end...and they have no one there to confide in.

It takes a certain degree of effort and work to maintain life’s responsibilities while still making time for yourself but it is possible.

I second the posts on finding people that share your interests and not limiting yourself to those in their 20's. Most of my friends are older than me, but they do range in age from 20's to 50's.

jennygoodman 05-26-2010 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anderson02 (Post 11877)
I do believe that for women it can be difficult to find and maintain quality friendships. However that is by our own choices and actions.


You make a very good point. I think that a lot of my friendships have dwindled, not because I consciously made an effort to stop hanging out with my friends or calling them, but I just enjoy spending the majority of my time at home with Joel, and I get so lost in what we have together that I forget about my "outside world." And I have noticed many of my acquaintances are doing the same thing.

I guess maybe I just feel lonely because a lot of the people that I would like to be better friends with, have got their own lives and other priorities, and they aren't always readily available when I need to talk or want to hang out.

Oh well...such is life I suppose! I'll just have to try harder :)

KristynBond 05-27-2010 12:06 AM

Jenny, I've totally experienced the same thing. I am 28 and have one friend left from high school/junior high (although he's male), and one friend left from college. I talk to other college friends sporadically, but nothing regular. I also felt at your age that I had much different priorities than others my age. I totally overdid the going out drinking thing in college, so after college when other people my age were going out on weekends, I had no interest in that. I also found a job working with juveniles right out of college that required a lot more hours than my friends and was promoted quickly to a job with a LOT of 24/7 responsiblity. So while my friends were still in that carefree college mode I was responsible for a 24/7 residential facility. And I met my husband at 23 (we just got married in September). So while my old friends were out partying, I was working or at home with my future husband.
At this point in my life I have a very small group of close friends. One was a former neighbor (my husband is also very good friends with her husband) and one is married to my husband's best friend. Before I became good friends with them I definitely felt I was lacking friends, but I'm very happy with my small group of good friends.
I completely agree with what everyone is saying about age. Some of the people I've become closest to are 25 years older than me. I feel I can relate to them better than a lot of people my age. I have friends who are 26 to those in their 50's and 60.
I was glad you posted this question. It helped me to realize I'm not the only one who's experienced this.
Also, I've met some great people at the Y and I'm also taking a hip hop class with people my age. Another thing is to maybe do things with your boyfriend and other couples. You can get to know some great women that way while doing things as a couple.
Good luck!

montanacricket 05-27-2010 02:03 PM

I'm almost 42 and I would say that I make fewer friends in real life, but that the friends that I have and/or make are BETTER friends.

Wylie7 05-27-2010 02:18 PM

I was in the same boat. When I was in my early 20's, I decided that I wanted to grow up and start on my career. Most of my friends had different priorities like drinking and partying. While I liked to go out on occaision, every night and even every weekend was too much. My husband had been my best friend from the day I met him. I found it was easier to find a boyfriend than a really good girlfriend...

I still have the same group of friends and we are all at the same stage in life, but we have grown apart and see each other at our kids' birthdays. I have one friend from that group that is my closest and our priorities are similar. She was really my only friend for a few years because I had different priorities (like working) than most. Then I hit 30, had kids and realized that I needed more for myself. I made friends at work, and joined a playgroup with people that have the kids the same age and same ideas as me.

I realize you don't have any kids, but I am going to echo what everyone else says, join a club, group or anything that interests you. Make sure you make it a habit and you will find someone that has the same interests as you.


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