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eperka 09-23-2011 01:57 PM

Spouse not Supportive?
 
Hello all. I'm sharing my journal entry for today that articulates an issue I'm dealing with. Have any of you had a similar experience? It would be interesting to know how your dealt with it.
Thanks!

FitDay Journal, 9/23/11.
Yesterday's stats: 1204 calories, 39.2 net carbs. Official weigh-in 243.0 lbs., a loss of 2.8 lbs. for the week. I think that is a good rate. I have to be careful not to push it too hard.

Here is an issue. What do you do when your spouse doesn't seem supportive of your program? It's a little confusing for me. I'm addressing all of the things she has been criticizing (maybe too harsh a word, maybe should be "expressing concern about") but now she almost seems to be mocking my efforts with little jabs and comments. It's almost as though she is sabotaging what I'm trying to do. I have to admit that I've started programs before and made commitments before and have always failed to do what I've said I was going to do. Maybe that's part of it (been there, done that). I do feel that this time, however, I'm going about it a little differently. I've been doing a lot of research on diet and fitness (especially on how to stay motivated), I've been reading a self-help book on how to stop making excuses, I'm using the FitDay food log and journal regularly, I've even created a spreadsheet where I can easily track my calorie balance and carb intake. I've started walking 2 miles per day, and have plans to join a gym soon (which, coincidentially, was her idea in the first place).
So why do I get the feeling that she is actually annoyed that I'm changing my habits and improving myself? It's not that she is out of shape, she is fit and trim and beautiful. I just don't get it.
All that being said, I'm not going to let this distraction deter me. I was thinking this morning that perhaps I just won't talk to her about it, but that is kind of sad in a way because it's nice to have a supportive spouse.

rpmcduff 09-23-2011 06:13 PM

I think the worst thing you can do is not talk to her. Let her know that her verbal jabs deflate you. Maybe she thinks they are motivators (like reverse psychology). Maybe she feels threatened. Lack of self esteem is rampant in todays society. Maybe she subconciously believes that if you are lighter and fitter you could do better and will want to discard her for a newer model.

Explain what it would mean for her to be a supportive part of your weight loss journey. Maybe even plan to include her or have her join with you, (even if she doesn't need to lose weight she can join you in your exercise routine and meal planning).

My situation is a little different although my wife is also trim and beautiful. Sometimes she just doesn't understand how much I am still fighting my old habits. Last night just before bed I was looking for a healthy snack. I open the pantry door and there is a whole box of Twinkies. I shut the door and went to bed.

Good luck to you!

VitoVino 09-23-2011 06:36 PM

Did you discuss your latest endeavor with her before you started? It almost sounds like she wants to be included in this, but either wasn't included in the planning of it, or maybe she's just not feeling ready for it herself (fully supporting your efforts, because she WILL have to make some changes herself in order to support you).

Whatever the case, communication is always the best choice. ;)

eperka 09-23-2011 07:55 PM

Thanks Ron and Vito. Funny thing is that she seemed to be interested and supportive at first. I always include her in all aspects of my life. Maybe I'm a little too focused. I do get excited about things and tend to talk alot about it. Last thing she said was that I'm "obsessed." Hence my idea of backing off and not talking about it. Maybe I should have posted this in the general forums to get the female perspective also.
I any event, I appreciate your responses and your advice.
Edward

kag123 10-21-2011 01:18 AM

Female point of view
 
So first off I am a female and have the same situation usually with my husband, only difference is he does need to do the same for his health thinking that is why he got frustrated with me....anyway back to you...Sounds to be that this is not the only thing she wants to talk to you about, getting obsessed is one thing but talking about it all the time might get old and if you have tried several times and go off the wagon it may be more of "here we go again"??? Not sure of course, maybe cut back on the obsession in talking about it all the time and stay strong and on this maybe she will come around when she sees results and that you are commited this time around. Just don't do what I have done in the past and get so bummed that I just give up. Now, I don't talk about it all the time I just do it...hope this helped, keep your chin up and stay committed.:)

bojibridge 10-21-2011 01:28 AM

Yeah, I agree with Kim. I've heard a lot of people say that they tend to drive their family nuts with all the nutrition talk. Fortunately, I live alone, so I just tell it to my cat :) But I definitely am conscious of how much I talk about calories and whatnot to other people, unless I'm sure they are an interested party. That's part of the reason why I love the FitDay forums - plenty of interested parties! Also, it is very difficult to see someone you care about make a goal but fail to reach it. Maybe she's just trying to keep both you and her from being disappointed again, not realizing that she's kind of undermining you while doing it.

Best of luck to you.

mecompco 10-21-2011 09:16 AM

It's hard not to obsess about this a bit, especially if you're doing well and you really want your significant other to do the same. I try not to pester my wife about it as it really does no good. There is no way you can "force" another person to make the commitment to change their lifestyle.

I agree that the forums here are a good outlet for what we have to say. I also have a co-worker who has changed her lifestyle and we enjoy having our lunches together and talking nutrition.

Regards,
Michael

almeeker 10-21-2011 11:20 AM

Firstly I'm a female, and my DH is supportive of my efforts, he in fact was the first one to lose a bunch of weight in our house, unfortunately during that time I was pregnant and not on board with him (nor did I want to be). And let me just say it is really hard and sort of threatening to be married to "one of those guys", you know the ones that eat right all the time and workout every day. And that is especially true if you're not on board with all that "healthy lifestyle" business.

Okay you say she is "fit and beautiful", but as a woman I can tell you that most of us do not feel confident in our own appearances, no matter what we look like we can always find a dozen things to hate. What we see when we look in the mirror is a little chub here and some flab there and holy crap look at those crow feet :eek:! So let me ask you, have you told her lately that she's beautiful? Or that you love her? Or that she's the hottest thing on God's green earth? Seriously a little demonstration of your affections can go very long way towards smoothing over the rough patch that a lifestyle change can cause in your relationship. It might also do to remind her that an in-shape healthy husband is way more fun, more vigorous (in the bedroom especially) and romantic than a blah couch potato husband.

I can also say that when I first started doing all this it was my usual "New Year's resolution", so DH didn't pay any attention to it. But once I'd hit the 40lb mark he added another workout at the gym to his weekly routine. So the longer you do this, the more accepting of it she'll be, so just give it some time to sink in.

dan1clements 01-28-2012 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eperka (Post 57626)
Hello all. I'm sharing my journal entry for today that articulates an issue I'm dealing with. Have any of you had a similar experience? It would be interesting to know how your dealt with it.
Thanks!

FitDay Journal, 9/23/11.
Yesterday's stats: 1204 calories, 39.2 net carbs. Official weigh-in 243.0 lbs., a loss of 2.8 lbs. for the week. I think that is a good rate. I have to be careful not to push it too hard.

Here is an issue. What do you do when your spouse doesn't seem supportive of your program? It's a little confusing for me. I'm addressing all of the things she has been criticizing (maybe too harsh a word, maybe should be "expressing concern about") but now she almost seems to be mocking my efforts with little jabs and comments. It's almost as though she is sabotaging what I'm trying to do. I have to admit that I've started programs before and made commitments before and have always failed to do what I've said I was going to do. Maybe that's part of it (been there, done that). I do feel that this time, however, I'm going about it a little differently. I've been doing a lot of research on diet and fitness (especially on how to stay motivated), I've been reading a self-help book on how to stop making excuses, I'm using the FitDay food log and journal regularly, I've even created a spreadsheet where I can easily track my calorie balance and carb intake. I've started walking 2 miles per day, and have plans to join a gym soon (which, coincidentially, was her idea in the first place).
So why do I get the feeling that she is actually annoyed that I'm changing my habits and improving myself? It's not that she is out of shape, she is fit and trim and beautiful. I just don't get it.
All that being said, I'm not going to let this distraction deter me. I was thinking this morning that perhaps I just won't talk to her about it, but that is kind of sad in a way because it's nice to have a supportive spouse.

Join the gym today..thinking about it is great, but doing it is better...take her with you, get her enrolled as well....you don't have to do the same routines and things, but going together may help >> tell her you want her to be a part of it.

kimbur96 01-29-2012 01:36 PM

IMHO

Being the wife/husband/so of someone who is over weight is probably similar in someways to being the wife/husband/so of an alcoholic or drug addict. And when they hear the same promises over and over of how "this time" I'm going to change or this time I am going to make it, it really starts to break them down inside. They stop believing you and they have a right to. The negative comments are there little way of lashing out at you because they are hurt that you haven't followed through and really changed. It is very hard to be on the receiving end of this and all we can do is prove to them through actions that this time really is different. We have to walk the walk. In time they will see your commitment and actions and start to come around. But in the beginning They are hurt and maybe even afraid to believe in you because they don't want to get let down again.

On the flip side I now how devastating this can be to you. How you want there support. Be strong. Reach out to people here on the board and vent like you did today. You can do this.


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