Hello, this is me
Hello everyone. My name is Anson, 18 yr old attending university studying kinesiology. In short, I see myself as a jack of all fails. My whole life I have been a fat kid, and nothing but a failure. I am currently 5'10 and weighing in at 215 pounds. I was made fun of a lot since forever, my life has never experienced true happiness. I was emotionally neglected as a child, didn't know any better and went to food for comfort. I look back on all this and I hate myself even more. In an attempt to make my parents happy, I drove myself to the limits to become accepted into a gifted program in middle school. Finally got in..... thought maybe
my parents would finally notice me. School was tough up until highschool, these peers of mine were all on a whole new level and I was still getting picked on for being fat. During my highschool years I dropped out of the "gifted" program. It was just too much, my peers were all so arrogant because they thought they were superior to everybody else. At this point in time, I was so lost. I did not know how to interact with people who were not "gifted", my relationship of 5 years had just deteriorated; at this point I had began smoking. My life was coming down into a spiral. On October 11th, 2011 I tried to take my life. I had just purchased 6 mg of Oxycontin and downed it all with a cigarette. I lived because my mom heard me collapse from the chair. I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti depressants after that disaster. Looking back on all this I really do hate myself a lot. I was so stupid. I took drugs, I smoked, and I am not book smart. Throughout my life I have tried multiple times to lose weight. I went from 240 to 210 in one year until recently. Lately, it just seems everything isn't going right. School is getting really stressful, I caught a cold, and the girl I like is hung over this guy that insulted her. No matter how hard I train, I just can't seem to lose weight, I do a 5 km run every other day, and when im not running I am doing strength training and jump roping. Everyday, I tell myself how much of a hypocrite I am. I'm aspiring to help people stay healthy and maintain a healthy body, and here I am being obese, and smoking cigarettes. I want to love this girl, yet I can't even love myself. I want to live a low-stress life.
My name is Anson, this is my failure of a meaningful life.
I'm sorry for having a huge blob of text. I am also sorry if the order/ my train of thought are all over the place.
TL;DR Life sucks, and I need some support/advice.