jeannedehart

Hi all,

My name is Jeanne and though I am not new to Fitday I am new to the forum, and I am finally reaching out for help, encouragement and support as I attempt once again to lose weight. I joined Fitday in July 2007 and have lost and gained the same weight over and over again, added a few more pounds since then - and never met my goal weight. Life kept getting in the way.

I am more motivated than ever this time. In August I will be meeting up with a friend from my childhood that I have not seen in 20 years. She has been battling Lyme's disease and wants to climb the tallest mountain in Colorado in celebration of her improved health and she wants me to climb with her. But I have a 'few' pounds to lose to accomplish that climb. I want to do this for her but more importantly I want to climb that mountain as much for me and overcoming my struggle as for her.

Late in February I reset my goals and worked hard through the month of March to lose a grand total of 2.6 pounds! Needless to say I am very discouraged. I also have been doing a lot of reading over the last few weeks to educate myself more on BMI, BMR, calories & carbs / fats / proteins, nutrients, the effects of menopause & post menopause on weight gain / loss, metabolism, etc. I think you get the picture. I want to be well informed to better understand what I need to do to accomplish my goals this time. I am analytical by nature so this has really helped me to understand and develop an action plan with my lifestyle. I live alone, am single, self employed, lots of stress, most of the time I do not get enough sleep, and generally don't share my personal challenges with others. I tend to internalize it and struggle through on my own.

I have been too proud to admit I cannot do this alone - but I now can admit that I cannot do it alone and need your support to make this happen. I will share my stats, daily trials and tribulations, successes and provide encouragement and support to others and hopefully receive the encouragement and support from you when I slip and struggle.

In my mind I am forever 21 and a size 4, but my body tells me otherwise. I will settle for 30 and a size 6, but even that feels daunting right now. I am beginning to feel my self esteem erode (as hard as that is to admit) because of the excess weight. I have goals and dreams I still want to accomplish, but I am beginning to question my ability to achieve them - if I cannot accomplish losing weight, then why should I be able to reach my other goals and aspirations? Never in my life have I had to worry about weight, much less my self esteem. The weight started to creep up on me about 10-11 years ago as I started the 'change'. It took me a while to acknowledge that my body was changing as I aged, but now I need to attack that negative change and get my old self back. I know that I will not reach my ultimate goal by August but I can definitely get nearer to it than I am right now.

Gosh - did I just say all that? I better post this before I delete it

IbizaSunset

Well, reading through your post I can see so many things that I too have internalized. The creeping self-esteem issues or in my case depression that I've found it hard to admit. Feeling utterly despondent at small gains (they're still gains right) I have this monologue going on with myself which is related directly to my body image whereby I am constantly calling myself a failure. I work long hours and get a lot of praise for my efforts but I don't hear a word of it, all I hear is this little voice calling myself a failure, all because I can't shift this weight. sleeplessness is a factor for me too, and lack of sleep of course, makes weight gain worse.

I think your aim is such a brilliant one and it's probably important to constantly remind yourself of that, a picture of the mountain perhaps? I have a bit of a special holiday in sep which i refuse to go on as a fat person. I took a huge step in the past few days and told my husband I wanted to be "fitter" for the holiday. I never divulge such feelings so it was a milestone. Don't you sometimes feel the fact that you don't communicate might be preventing you from progressing. I told one of my closest friends about my internal monologue too a few weeks ago and he was horrified that I had such poor self-worth. Of course, i guess you might be like me and nobody would guess this about you because you seem confident on the surface? My friend was shocked, i didn't tell him it tied in to self-image in many ways.

Don't lose heart Jeanne, the end goal will be so worth it. Better sleep, better self-esteem, better looking body!, better health.....the list is endless.

I only replied because your posting was a bit like a mirror of how I feel. I also have a relative with Lyme Disease, his life is pretty much ruined by it.