Anson, you make me want to cry. I am sure if you could have a window into the past lives of many members here you would see images of everything that you have described in your life in their lives as well. But you know what? You are here today and that means a lot. You chose to come here and seek some advice and assistance in improving your life. That means you are not done yet. You have not given up on yourself.
If you stick around here and get to know some people, you will find motivation and experience like nowhere else that I have found. Many of us have become a sort of family. It really helps to have someone (anonomously) to share your problems with. You can get advice from people that you never have to meet face to face. It makes a big difference.
If you truly are working out & running like you say you are, then you need to take a serious look at your food. You ARE smart enough to know that you can't spend all that energy and not burn up your calories so you must be taking in more than you are spending.