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Old 02-11-2013, 12:39 AM   #127 (permalink)
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boiling Springs, SC
Posts: 1,289

Originally Posted by bojibridge View Post
I have to be honest about what my biggest goal is - it's to be skinnier. I'm sick of being chunky, and having clothes not fit nicely or not being able to wear the cute outfits I see around me. I'm sick of not feeling very sexy or attractive. So yeah, it's great that I can run 20 minutes more than I could 6 weeks ago, but dang it, I just want to be a skinnier person. And I know that will happen, but I'm really a results driven person (I mean, aren't we all, a little bit?) and when I put in this effort and I don't *see* the results, I basically feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. And it's been so hard. This whole process is not making me a happier person. All I think about is, "When can I eat next? Is this going to fit into my calories? No, you can't have that, 'cause if you had even one bite, you'd eat the whole bag." At least before, I might have been sad that I wasn't skinny, but I didn't go around all day thinking in the back of my mind about what I was and wasn't allowed to eat and when the next food would be and how long I would have to wait to eat more. I know I have emotional attachment issues with food, but I don't know how to not feel this way. How do you go from just wanting to stuff your face to being like, "Oh I only eat to fuel my body!" I just feel like mentally exhausted at the end of the day. There's never a single day where it's easy to stay under my calorie limit.
Joanna---my heart goes out to you. I've been there (ask Mike). There have been so many times that I have just wanted to give up. I didn't originally start out with the "I want to be skinny" mind set, but trust me, it's crept up on me a time or two. It took me a while to realize that I may never be what's considered an "ideal weight" for my height. It also took me a while to realize I will most likely NEVER be a size 4. I'm okay with that. I'm no longer a size 24, and that's awesome! It may not be in the cards for me to be "skinny", but I can be smaller than I was. I started out wanting to be healthier, and more fit. I lost 50 lbs in what seems like no time, and then I stalled. And THAT'S when the frustration kicked in. And then WHN left and I spiraled into a depression like I've never known before. I didn't care anymore. I stopped losing weight. I stopped logging my food and activities. I stopped exercising. I stopped caring. When I first started this journey, I found the logging was like a game to me. I felt in control for the first time ever. Then as time went on, it felt like the logging was controlling me. So I stopped. And guess what? I eventually fell back into old habits and started gaining weight. (The part of me that blames others will blame WHN for the weight gain. He left, so I ate a lot of comfort food. Then he came home, and I started cooking all the things he missed from home and couldn't get in Germany. It's all HIS fault! hahahaha). I've been going through an "I don't care anymore" phase for the past few months. I've just now started caring again. And I've realized that I'll probably always be this way. In complete control for a while, and then not for a while, back and forth. It's something I've come to terms with. And I'm okay with it. I'll eventually get to where I want to be. So will you, we've just got to keep plugging away. Just know, you're not alone in your thinking. Also remember, we're here for you. No one can offer advice better than those who have been, and are still in, the same boat as you.

Mini Goal Weight-220--MET! 01/25/16
Ultimate Goal Weight-TBD

Current Weight-218.8 (January 25, 2016)
When life throws you curveballs, it's up to YOU to decide whether or not you swing away or go down looking. I'm choosing to swing away.
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