New, don't even know if I should be here, but here goes...
My name is Emily, I'm 23, about 5'5", and around 140-145-ish lbs right now I think? Don't know, it kind of fluctuates and I'm not really supposed to be weighing myself... I'll get to that.
So I've actually struggled with some form of eating disorder for... god, I don't know, since I was in middle school maybe. I've always had issues with food and my body. I usually go between starving myself and severe restricting to bingeing (then I feel horrible and guilty and disgusting and the cycle starts all over). I have a nutritionist and a therapist, so yeah, I get I need help. I was doing pretty well with the eating for a while. Eating 3 meals a day, exercising (I'm also a compulsive exerciser)... things seemed to be going ok although I still wasn't ok with eating and my body. Then I got in an argument with my mom (my family, or lack there of, is a huge trigger for my weird eating disorder). Even though we're fine now, that broke me. All of a sudden I stopped eating for probably about a week. Ever since then I've been back in this starve/binge pattern and it's awful. Really, I so envy you all who can just eat normally. Who don't think about every little thing that goes into your body and don't hate yourself when you screw up.
Anyway, I'd really like to get back in a better sort of pattern even though I can hear my mind screaming at me "DON'T EAT!" I can't keep doing this. Not to mention, I'm also Type 1 Diabetic. Have been since I was 3 years old. So if you think having an eating disorder as a normal, relatively healthy person sucks, try having one when you're a Type 1 Diabetic. Sooo bad. My blood sugars go crazy. It's so not healthy for me.
I heard about this site through a not so healthy site that promotes EDs (I know I shouldn't be reading those things because it will only feed unhealthy thoughts in my head, which is why I came here instead of like some pro-ED site.) I'm hoping this will be a healthy tool for me so that I can track my eating patterns, exercise, moods, etc while still maybe being able to get to like 120 lbs. Maybe some people think that's too drastic, especially for a girl with eating issues. I mean people tell me I look fine, but I guess I don't see it. I've been at 120 before and I'd love to get back down around there, just maybe through healthier means.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this post is shocking or sad or crazy, but I'm just looking for support and understanding like you all are and I hope that people can understand that without making judgements about me just because I have some issues. Everyone has their own issues. I would hope this is a place where I can learn healthy tips and learn a healthier lifestyle.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to respond or message me. I'd love to hear from people.