Oh, Yunalee, I can just about hear the sadness in your post. This can be a really tough road, and although there are times where it's a bit easier, there are plenty of uphill climbs (sometimes it even seems like it's all uphill). Know that even though we may exist in the oblivion that is the internet, there are plenty of people here who feel for you and are fighting the same battle.
Well, you know I always have some advice for you, so here it is.
Can you try to turn that frustration and self-hatred, both of which take SO much energy, into motivation? When I was starting and full of self-hatred, and was beyond angry at myself, I would stop my inner dialogue and tell myself, "Do you want to be fat? Do you want to feel this way? Do you like wasting this energy on making yourself feel worse? No? Then get over yourself and do something about it." I realize this may sound "harsh" to some, but I am very much a pragmatic and no-BS type of person, and I find the "stop and get over it" approach to be successful.
One other thing that can help is to remember what motivation is, and what it isn't. Motivation is finding a way to do something that we don't especially want to do at that moment (eg, exercising or eating a carrot instead of cake). Motivation is NOT necessarily wanting
to exercise or eat right all the time, it's finding your way past obstacles (including the ones we create) and doing it anyway. Most of us don't need motivation to do the things we really want to. With that said, I know you really want to lose weight - but remember that it's all those little moments and little decisions that will get you to that goal. Even the strongest of us will struggle with those decisions (eg, carrot vs. cake) even though the carrot will get us to our goal and the cake (in excess) will not.
I hope that helps even a little bit. I'm so glad you are here and still checking in - you may not realize it, but that in itself is a huge accomplishment. Let us know how we can help.
Friday Weigh-In Gang Oct. 21st, 2011
binatangmerah: 112.2, 113.8, 112.2, 110, 110.2, 109.4, 113.4, 111.2, 111.2, 112
changeisgood29: 176.6, 175.4, 175.2, 174.2, 174.2, 173.8, 172.4, 172.2, 171, 171 (- 5.6)
efduncan: 250, 250, 250
farahb7: 128, 128.2
jma75: 238, 231
KMS_VT: 192.6, 192.2, 189.0
aug77: 246, 243, 240, 239, 235, 232, 231, 230
yunalee: 225.75, 220.5, 226.25, 226.6, 226.8, 225.7, 233.2 (+7.45)
Rubystars: 268 lbs
rebekah_marie: 171.0, 170.8
snafuken:265, 259, 256,253.5, 252.5, 251,246.5 ,249.5(-15.5)
sjd01: 236, 223.8, 219.8 (-5.2 for the week)
Joycelocicero 180.5, 179, 174, 173, 170.5
Jane850 214.5, 211, 207, 206