View Single Post
Old 10-22-2013, 09:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
tesalie
FitDay Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 4
Default Concern about being controled

Several people have suggested you leave him. That's a really hard thing to contemplate.
What you need to do is look at all the aspects of your relationship. Following is a list of the warning signs of an abusive relationship. Not every abuser exhibits ALL the signs. I am not saying your husband is abusive, but this is just something to think about. If you think he is, don't walk; run. Run as fast as you can.
Sorry, it's very long
Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund: Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

EXTREME JEALOUSY

Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may accuse the victim of flirting with someone else or having an affair.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR

One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

QUICK INVOLVEMENT

The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.

ISOLATION

The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.

BLAMES OTHERS FOR THEIR PROBLEMS AND FEELINGS

The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).

HYPERSENSITIVITY

An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN

The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry.

“PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX

The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.

VERBAL ABUSE

The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.

RIGID SEX ROLES

The abuser believes in rigid gender roles and sees women as inferior to men and unable to have their own identity. They may see men as the “master of his castle”.

DR. JECKYL AND MR. HYDE

The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.

PAST BATTERING

The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.

THREATS OF VIOLENCE

This includes any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”

BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS

This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them.

ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT

The abuser may hold the victim down, restrain them from leaving the room, may push, shove, or hold them against a wall.

"The Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund is a non-profit corporation and was founded to honor the life of Lindsay Ann Burke, a 23 year old Rhode Island College graduate from North Kingstown, R.I. Lindsay was a compassionate, honest and trusting young woman who cared deeply for others. She was trying to break the cycle of violence when she was murdered. Lindsay was an education major and came from a family of educators. We believe she would want us to break the silence and work towards ending relationship violence through education. As such, this fund will support the prevention of relationship violence primarily through the education of teens, parents, educators, and the public."
tesalie is offline   Reply With Quote