Ah, Goop. Visiting Gwyneth Paltrow’s much-ridiculed online lifestyle site always left me with an unexpected sense of satisfaction, even comfort.
I always found it oddly reassuring to know that even in a time of unprecedented global economic downturn, devastating natural disasters, ongoing wars in the Middle East, and the biggest migrant crisis seen by Europe since World War II, good-old Gwynnie was still busy extolling the virtues of colon hydration, $72 scented candles, and peeing in the shower to release the pelvic floor.
When Paltrow announced she was consciously uncoupling from the brand in 2016, I became worried. Where would I go to distract myself from the horrors of the real world?
Not to worry, though. A recent post titled “Better Sex: Jade Eggs for Your Yoni” just proves that the always-divisive site will be just fine without Paltrow at its helm.
To celebrate, let’s take a look at some of Goop’s most ridiculous health and fitness advice over the years.
1. Want better sex? Try sex bark!
A bit of Sex Dust™ is the active ingredient in this so-called “aphrodisiac warming potion.” At $30 for a 1.5-oz jar, this “lusty edible formula” can be sprinkled onto whatever you happen to be cooking, sending “waves of sensitivity and power to all the right places.” Right.
2. “Don’t dismiss iodine.”
Though all Goop articles — including this one on the purported benefits of iodine supplements — feature a disclaimer at the bottom, they still contain advice that is both wrong and in some cases, potentially harmful.
Dr. Jen Gunter recently took to task Goop’s self-appointed Medical Medium Anthony William, who claims his advice is “several decades ahead of scientific discovery” even though he has no medical training whatsoever and has never collected any scientific data nor published any peer-reviewed studies. According to Dr. Gunter’s HuffPost article — she’s an actual doctor, by the way — William’s support of iodine supplements is “medically nonsensical.”
3. Ye olde vaginal mugwort steam: “Not just a steam douche.”
Ah, the Mugwort V-steam. As described in Goop:
“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanse your uterus, et al. It’s an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels.”
The recommendation drew the ire of gynecologists, who warned that steaming your cooch was neither beneficial for vaginal health, nor recommended.
4. Colon hydration.
Detoxes and cleanses are commonly featured on Goop, but this one on "The Nuts and Bolts of Colonics" is just plain funny. Let's call it what it is: a butt cleanse. According to Dr. Alejandro Junger, who helped develop the cleanse, "A colonic helps with the elimination of waste that is transiting the colon on its way out."
Dr. Michael Picco of the Mayo Clinic would beg to differ. In a Mayo Clinic post, he wrote: "Your digestive system and bowel already eliminate waste material and bacteria from your body...Proponents of colon cleansing believe that toxins from your gastrointestinal tract can cause a variety of health problems. However there's no evidence that colon cleansing produces these effects."
He goes on to write that colon cleansing may occasionally be harmful, causing side effects such as nausea, vomiting, cramping, and bloating.
5. The benefits of “rebounding.”
Unfortunately, she’s not talking about the type of rebounding one does after consciously uncoupling. No, rebounding is actually just a fancy word for jumping on a trampoline, which, according to Goop, is better for your heart than running.
The article cited a study conducted by NASA in 1980, claiming that the researchers found that rebounding was “68 percent more effective for cardiovascular health and fat burning than running!”
Turns out whoever read and interpreted that ancient study got it wrong: the 68-percent figure had nothing to do with fat burning. Instead, it was about the difference in acceleration experienced by astronauts while deconditioning. Moreover, the sample featured eight males — in other words, hardly a big enough sample to come to any conclusion at all.
6. The idiot’s guide to yawning.
One of my personal favorites, penned by Gwynnie herself, is titled “Why Yawning is Important—And How To Optimize the Reflex.”
Finally, a simple, step-by-step guide to yawning — sometimes, something as simple as opening your mouth can seem complicated and near-impossible. It actually takes three whole steps of preparing to yawn before you can yawn. But by step four, you’re ready: “When the yawn comes, reach and extend into it, riding the yawn to stretch the jaw muscles.”
Yes, ride that yawn.
7. Underwire bras cause breast cancer.
In one of the most rage-inspiring posts, Dr. Habib Sadeghi — who is neither a woman nor a bra-wearer — writes that just as in the feminist movement of the 70s, women are “still being encouraged to discard their bras, but by healthcare professionals, for reasons that have less to do with power than with breast cancer prevention.”
Healthcare professionals were rightfully baffled at the suggestion that that’s the message they were inadvertently putting across when they tell women to eat healthy, cut back on alcohol, and stay active in order to lower the risk of breast cancer.
[Image via Shutterstock]